[MzLynnie]

To rcoreryus, I feel your pain and it's the same with us. He will set the 'mood' beforehand and sometimes even say he want some loving tonight and then....nothing!! I set myself up for that so many times, that I just told him one day, "don't tell me you want some loving because it just get me roused and frustrated when you don't." It's very hard to deal with this becasue I love my husband deeply and I don't want to cheat but I feel he is opening the door for me to do so. I am trying very hard to sustain from that and at the same time I can't continue like this, be miserable and act like things are good between us in front of others. That is the most hurtful because I don't want to hurt my husband by telling people I know like friends and family.

He will not go to counseling and I keep telling him to make his doctor appointment becasue something is wrong but he seem to think he is fine, I am just overreacting about things. Which is even more frustrating becasue he is good in bed, but it's far in between. I keep a calendar of days we have had sex and I showed him one day and he said he felt bad and claim to do something about it but I am still waiting for that to happen. Not to mention, he can go one round and done for the night, sometime I like, "what the h***" to myself especially if he get his and I don't but most time he last a decent time. It's just getting to that point of doing it.
Like you, I have opportunity to cheat but just can't at this point but don't know how long I can last becasue I want to honor our marriage and the love I have for him. And that sometime make me question, do he love me. Which I believe he truly does by other ways he show it and as I stated, he is a good husband in all other areas, it just sex we are lacking.
To answer newhere808's question, we have been married for 9 months and dated for almost two years. The sex was constant and consistent but these last few months, I don't know what is going on. I have tried to discuss in a calm voice how I felt and then at times I have went full blast on him because I get very cranky, evil and it was to the point, I was taking it out on my children, yelling at them and I had to go and calm down and apologize to them. It does affect my day to day routine becasue I don't wnat to be bothered with people and I am work frustrated but trying to keep focused and my mind off it but it does affect alot and for him to say it's not important, if I didn't love him the way I did, I think I would have walked out on him.

It is just hard to deal with this and I don't know what else to do. I try to keep busy doing things after work with my children and I get to the point, he ask me to go with him places and I don't want to. I just don't know what to do. We are constantly arguing and I will admit I argue over small things now becasue I am so frustrated and evil toward him and I know it's not right, but I want him to feel what I am feeling so maybe he will understand. Can I continue to live like this? I don't know. Is cheating an option? Not right now but it is looking better with each passing day.

I mean when we do have sex, he think that it should hold me for a while but where he got that information from, I don't know. I checked my calendar and it has been since Christmas, how many more days can I take?

[WildChild]

Insist he get a check up and you go to counseling even if he won't. If nothing else it will give you a safe place to vent.
He may have fallen into what I think of as marital black hole thinking. We all have preconcieved ideas about marriage, they go back into our childhood and draw on our parent's relationship, other adults we saw, TV,and our imaginations of what it "should" be. Your husband may have a mind set that married people just don't have much sex. Unless you can get him to change that you are in for a rocky ride.

DON'T resort to an affair and don't have children until this is resolved. Unless you want a life time of this you may have to reconsider the marriage. I would consider this to be a breach of the marital contract.

[Guest]

Personally the only real problem I see here is that something like this wasn't discussed or covered before the two of you got married. A huge difference in sex drive is kind of a big footnote to gloss over before taking some wedding vows.

. . .

I'm not sure that would really have covered it. in my case both my SO and I had an extremely high drive, which for both of us has wavered up and down at times. unfortunately, we dont always seem to be in sync with each other's drive levels.

sometimes is can be the sign of a medical condition, sometimes stress induced, sometimes emotional, maybe even a result of seasonal affected disorder.

besides the sex drive, what else has changed? new home? new job? new boss? kid issues? is there anything else at all, regardless of how minor you may think it is, that is diff bet now and when the drive was where it was before?

i do think you need to talk with him some more, and not to the point where it gets into an argument. unless of course that leads to angry sex

seriously, you need to talk with him in a non-judgmental manner and see whats going on with him.

[MzLynnie]

I have thought about going to counseling to figure out if it is me or what becasue I am trying confused on all that and it's hurtful. I was always thinking why go to a counselor and they tell me it's all in my head type sort of thing but the more I think about it, I think counseling is best for me and I do need someone that I do not know to vent to. I am embarrassed to go to family/friends with this issue.

We don't have children together but he has a grown daughter and I have 3 children that two are grown and one is almost and I had hysterectomy so children is out and we both are in agreement on that.

He was injured on the job and we were going through financial issues becasue his part of the income wasn't coming in but now we are on track with the finances and I know that was a stressful time and I was like ok, maybe that was it but then as things got better the issue of having sex hasn't.

I keep hearing maybe it's medical and since he won't make an appointment on his own, I think I will make it for him becasue something has to give. It's just frustrating and don't know what other options are left for me.

For instance, today we went grocery shopping together and I went down the wine aisle searching for a nice fruity table wine (not a drinker but someone suggested trying a type of wine) so he ask the wine specialist what type of wine to get and he turn to me and say he know I don't drink and would like to get something we can drink together to relax and make love. I just looked almost stunned and wanted to scream inside because I knew that that was not going to happen. We were suppose to taste it tonight, so imagine what happened......I am on here typing a reply at 11:40pm and the wine is still in the fridge.

I mean it's hurtful becasue it truly doesn't bother him and I don't even want to cuddle and I don't want him to stop doing the cuddling, kissing, hugging but the way I feel, I don't want him to touch me and I don't want to get ill feelings about my husband but with not having any sex, I am not pleasant to be around and I don't like being like this.

Then he will ask, honey what is wrong! I am thinking, why do I have to keep telling him what is wrong when he is not trying to fix the problem. His mouth is saying one thing but his actions is showing another. I seriously don't know how I can deal. Once there was actually almost a month in between and I was going crazy!!

I can't understand, why a man is great in all other areas but in sex in just a few months? He was not like this before and I don't know how much more I can take. I mean, I actually feel knots in my stomach and it ache from being so horny and this man is so attractive and then I go back on my roller coaster, am I am attractive enough, is he cheating, is he gay. I think it's in my head but it's like what other things could it be. Lastly is it really a low sex drive.
I am sitting here ready to cry at this moment as I am typing this and looking over at home looking peaceful sleeping and here I am horny and needing him so bad but he is not hearing me. All he hear is me complaining and I keep hearing him tell me, he love me dearly and I am his other half, his rib and affectionate person except in the area of sex. I may be looking at another week or so before I have sex and it's been since Christmas evening!!!! OH MY, how much more can I take.
I can't even talk to him in a non-judgemental manner now without getting upset at this point. I tried last night to be calm and talk to him last night and it almost started an argument and I stopped in midsentence and just walked off and got ready for bed. I got into shower and just cried.
As I said before, I love him dearly and he is a good husband but lacking in that area which he believe isn't as important in a relationship that is hurting me. I can see if it has been like this before marriage but I thought this was suppose to happen maybe years down the line in our marriage, not starting out in less than a year.

[newhere808]

I'm not sure that would really have covered it. in my case both my SO and I had an extremely high drive, which for both of us has wavered up and down at times. unfortunately, we dont always seem to be in sync with each other's drive levels.

sometimes is can be the sign of a medical condition, sometimes stress induced, sometimes emotional, maybe even a result of seasonal affected disorder.

besides the sex drive, what else has changed? new home? new job? new boss? kid issues? is there anything else at all, regardless of how minor you may think it is, that is diff bet now and when the drive was where it was before?

i do think you need to talk with him some more, and not to the point where it gets into an argument. unless of course that leads to angry sex

seriously, you need to talk with him in a non-judgmental manner and see whats going on with him.

Well in the OP it didn't mention a change, it mentioned that he felt sex was unimportant, that is why I stated it that way. Based on what the poster is saying now, then I definately agree that there something else going on, and more than likely it is something external.

I honestly don't know what to say in that regard, if he is being adamant about not getting checked physically or seeing someone professionally then I don't think there is much that you can do but continue to patiently plead with him. You can only take so much before you start to loose faith in other parts of the relationships. I agree with WC though, an affair is never a choice when your in a relationship. If that's the route you feel you need to go, then you owe it to him to end it first. Being candid about that thought may even push him to be open with you about whats bothering him, or at least get him to take action.

[MzLynnie]

Thanks newhere808. I do agree that cheating is not the way to go but I just FEEL like it sometime to fill the void. I have opportunity to do so but don't want to go that route. I love him too much and don't want our marriage to end and him not wanting to go to counseling becasue he said people will be in our business. I stressed to him, it's someone we both would not know and sure not to run and tell our business. As for the doctor, I did make him an appointment and he wasn't too pleased but said he would go.
I am still hurting because I am trying to be patient and today I tried extra hard to get aggitated with him or my children. Becuase I am acting "distant" the last couple days as he put it because I don't want to be affectionate. A small part of me want him to hurt like I am but I know that is not right because I love him too much to hurt him, so why is he hurting me? And I don't want my love to fade because of this but at this point, it's so frustrating and confusing. I am normally a level-headed person and been through alot but this is a whole different level for me. I started to drink some of the wine we brought yesterday and he looked at me funny, saying I don't drink so waht's going on and I wanted to scream I am stressing over this no sex thing but I didn't I jsut said I needed something to relax but I will wait and I put the wine back in the fridge because I didn't want to argue. I know my words isn't getting across to him and it start out civil and end in a screaming match so instead I just kind of shut down.
Last nite when I finallly went to bed, he turned over and put his arm around me and I just silently cried becasue I knew that was it. He truly don't understand how this affecting me, I mean he goes on his daily routine laughing, joking, being affectionate and talking as if there is no problems whatsoever and I am looking at him like is he serious??

[jvincze]

Get him checked out medically, no male in my opinion at that age has that little interest in sex.
Either he is helping himself out by masterbating regularily or he needs a medical to check 'T' levels. It just ain't natural for a man to be so.

[rcoreyus]

No matter how frustrating this is, please try to be careful not to take it out on your children - I know how hard it is to be nice under these conditions, but you need to try (as I am sure you are doing).

He just doesn't get it.

OK - everyone is going to jump on me, but - why not have an affair. If you husband finds out, just tell him that you've asked asked, and he isn't willing to take care of your needs. What does he expect you to do, join a convent?

I hope counseling works for you - maybe someone will be able to convince him that he is the one one who is behaving very abnormally.

[newhere808]

OK - everyone is going to jump on me, but - why not have an affair. If you husband finds out, just tell him that you've asked asked, and he isn't willing to take care of your needs. What does he expect you to do, join a convent?

Because she is an adult, not a teenager, and she loves him. I can respect the feeling of desperation, but that is a childish way to react to something like this. In my opinion, if it's come to that, end it.

Mz, when he comments on you being distant do you say anything back to him? It may be that he just needs to be constantly reminded of how dejected you feel. Not by lashing out or snapping all the time, but when he makes comments of concern like that, answer him frankly "i've been distant because I don't feel like you want me" and explain why you feel that way, or whatever would sound natural coming from yourself.

I know it's hard but you don't want to get into an emotionally charged conversation about it, most people just shut down at that point and there is no progress. I'm glad to hear that he is at least going to go to the appointment you setup for him, hopefully it goes well for him. It could be that there is some great insecurity that he's dealing with that he is hiding from you. Guys are about as mysterious as women in that regard, believe it or not.

[rcoreyus]

I don't know her situation, but the times I've tried to bring it up with my wife, shes been either hostile, or in tears, but no progress made. I've been as nice about it as I possibly can be.