[Lisa35]

My husband is 12 years older than me and started having the same problem. At first I thought is was just because he was under a lot of pressure do to losing job. It went on for several weeks. I did try oral sex ...very slowly and gently and he did have erection and orgasm..but that worked only once.. but still could not keep erection inside me...Finally he went to doctor and discovered he had high blood pressure and type 2 diabetes....Still has problem but I hope new treatment will help. I know this has been difficult emotionally for me and has caused me to doubt myself, but knowing a medical problem could be the real cause has given me some hope for the time being.

[PrincessAnne]

There is a medical problem occurring here. He is one of those big, buff guys who did steriods in the 80s, and that has done damage to his hormone levels. He had started some hormone replacement therapy right around the time that we started sleeping together. Sex works from time to time, but even if he is able to make it all the way to climax, it doesn't feel like he's as hard as he should be. and he puts sooo much pressure on himself. he gets visibly upset when things start going down, and starts frantically trying to get it back. I try to calm him down, but he tells me that he wants to be perfect for me. We travel together a lot, because we live in two different cities, and it seems that when we are together, he feels like we have to be having sex all the time. He takes care of me in other ways, which I've encouraged and given him tons of verbal feedback so he knows that I feel taken care of, but I know he is a total headcase about it. We are going on a trip together this weekend, and I had suggested to him that we make a "no intercourse" rule (hoping that would take some of the pressure off of him), but he seemed to only be agreeing to it to appease me. I'm trying to be supportive and let him know that I'm OK and that it doesn't bother me, but it really does. It's hard not to internalize it, even if his doctor told me that it was just his hormonal issues, I would still feel like I *should* be able to fix it, ya know? So, do you all think I should enforce the "no sex" rule and see if that helps?

[PrincessAnne]

I've moved this to create your own thread. The other was started in 2006 and very dead. Now you can get a fresh start on your own situation.

thanks wildchild.

[skipper]

Has he tried the blue pill or a variant?

[PrincessAnne]

Has he tried the blue pill or a variant?

He won't for a couple of reasons. The first is that he's super into organic foods and chemical free diets. He avoids medication unless its absolutely necessary (he wasn't happy about the hormone therapy stuff), and he considers viagra and similar drugs to be unnecessary. The second, and in my opinion the biggest, is that if he took viagra, he would be admitting that he's OLD. this is a guy who does NOT look his age at all- wears young clothes, shaves his head so you can't tell he's going bald, shaves his beard around me because it's "salt and pepper"... he's certainly aging gracefully, and looks amazing, but I can tell he has a bit of a complex about it.
Honestly, i don't know how I would feel about him using viagra. I think if he used it once, and was able to get over that hurdle, he probably wouldn't need it that often because it would get him through that psychological roadblock. Then we would just be dealing with the hormonal issues.

[WildChild]

if he took viagra, he would be admitting that he's OLD. this is a guy who does NOT look his age at all- wears young clothes, shaves his head so you can't tell he's going bald, shaves his beard around me because it's "salt and pepper"... he's certainly aging gracefully, and looks amazing, but I can tell he has a bit of a complex about it.

Aging gracefully is having an acceptance of it and living life to its fullest. Sounds more like he is aging well, in that he's doesn't look his age. His efforts now and his past steriod use, sounds like he has a long standing insecurity or lack of self acceptance. It's good that he is passionate about healthy living now, but that doesn't necessarily mean his attitude is healthy. Give this some time, don't move into committment too quickly, see how he adjusts over the next year or so.

[Texasred]

Skipper, Still learning... and any other male responding to this -- if you lose your erection does that mean that you are all of a sudden turned off? If you have an erection, and you are obviously arroused and 3 seconds later, its gone -- does your arrousal really go away that quickly too? .

No, and No.
I learned long ago that it's not unusual for the state of arousal - and the "strength" of the erection - to vary considerably while having sex, and that it's nothing to worry about, that it'll return on its own as long I don't obsess over it.
Of course, sometimes it can be difficult not to obsess over it, particularly in a new relationship, when one is trying to be the best possible lover and to be perfect in bed.

Or the problem could lie elsewhere: the OP hinted that there were other issues, and I wonder if her "older lover" is merely afraid his wife is going to walk in and catch them?

[Texasred]

Honestly, i don't know how I would feel about him using viagra. I think if he used it once, and was able to get over that hurdle, he probably wouldn't need it that often because it would get him through that psychological roadblock. Then we would just be dealing with the hormonal issues.

I'd recommend he try out Cialis: it allegedly works just as well as the blue pill, but without all the restrictions Viagra has - no alcohol, no food, 1 hour time limit, etc.
I agree with you there's a good chance that taking the pill could get him over what could well be nothing more than psychological hurdles. Worked that way for me.

[Texasred]

Aging gracefully is having an acceptance of it...

"Aging gracefully" is highly overrated!
I think it's better to fight it every step of the way!

[PrincessAnne]

thanks for the help, guys. it's incredibly comforting just to know that other women are going through this with their men, and that I'm not the only one internalizing it (even when I shouldn't). Taking all the advice to heart, for sure. Also find it funny that everyone assumes he's married... we have many reasons for not going public with the relationship. But I certainly think the clandestine nature of our relationship, be it exciting one moment and stressful the next, is certainly putting pressure on him and his "mini-me". Basically, the guy's got all sorts of stress AND a hormonal issue. double whammy! I'll definitely keep everyone posted on how things go this weekend. Thanks !!