[PrincessAnne]

I am having a similar problem with my boyfriend. The relationship is new. We've only been sleeping together for a few weeks, and I think our problem is multi-faceted. He is 18 years older than me (I'm 24 and he's 42), our relationship has to be kept secret for many reasons that I won't go into, and he's seeing an endocrinologist for some hormonal issues. So, not only is he psyching himself out over the sex for multiple reasons, but his hormones are all jacked up. He says that he's nervous because he wants to be perfect for me, and I think he's paranoid about seeming "old" with me. The problem seems to beget the problem, as he gets more self-conscious the harder he tries to get or stay hard and it doesn't work. The use of a ring seems to help, but he's still not fully erect even when we do manage to make intercourse work. I'm trying so hard to be supportive and seem cool about it, because he's said over and over again that he doesn't want me to take it personally... but ladies, he lost an erection both under my touch and during intercourse. It's unreal what that can do to your self esteem! I feel like there's something else I should be doing. that I'm doing something wrong, or that I SHOULD be able to fix this problem and I can't. Don't know what to do. help?

[WildChild]

I've moved this to create your own thread. The other was started in 2006 and very dead. Now you can get a fresh start on your own situation.

[StillLearnin]

He could be nervous of being with a hot young 24 year old.
He could be nervous of being caught.
He could simply be nervous of the new relationship and doesn't feel completely comfortable yet.
He could have low testosterone level.

[skipper]

He should go to his family doc and get checked out. Maybe try a script of viagra or something similiar. However, he's really young to need the blue pill.

Oh, fear and anxiety can kill an erection, but I don't think that's the prob.

Get him to a doc first to make sure it's not a medical issue.

[Hopeless Dork]

Skipper, Still learning... and any other male responding to this -- if you lose your erection does that mean that you are all of a sudden turned off? If you have an erection, and you are obviously arroused and 3 seconds later, its gone -- does your arrousal really go away that quickly too?

Princessanne since you were kind of vague about why you guys have to keep this relationship a secret... Its hard to say if that may be causing some anxiety.

But I think, like you think, the more he's worried about it... the more its likely to occur. You're doing a good job not getting frustrated.

[skipper]

Skipper, Still learning... and any other male responding to this -- if you lose your erection does that mean that you are all of a sudden turned off? If you have an erection, and you are obviously arroused and 3 seconds later, its gone -- does your arrousal really go away that quickly too?

Ok, you have me turned on and I have an erection and we start having sex. There is suddenly a loud pounding on the door followed by "POLICE, OPEN UP." Boom, my erection is gone in 3 secs (or less). Yes, it's b/c I'm suddenly turned off. Fear has overcome arousal.

Situation 2. You have me turned on and I have an erection and we start having sex. There is no knock at the door and we are both seemingly having a good time. Boom, my erection dies. Something is wrong. Could be medical or could be I'm afraid someone is getting ready to pound on the door. Once we start having sex, I really doubt that my partner is going to suddenly turn me off unless I get physically or emotionally hurt (like getting a ball crushed or hearing 'is that all you've got?'). The only other thing that is going to ruin the moment is fear.

There is a secret relationship here and that's probably the problem, but I'd like a doc's opinion to rule out the medical side.

[StillLearnin]

Fear, anxiety, and lack of trust can ruin an erection, for sure. Even if turned on and going at it, and he gets an idea in his head that you might tell his wife, would ruin it. Or him thinking about his wife and kids at home eating dinner while he's with you would ruin his mood. Bam, no longer aroused, and limp.

Give him some time to get comfortable and let him build up some trust with you. He'll probably be fine.

BTW, I'm not judging you or him. But this is the reality of the situation for a secret relationship.

[sourpuss]

I've had this happen to me in new relationships before and I've had friends say the same. I think most of it boils down to being nervous and then once it happens they focus on it, only making it worse.

[rcoreyus]

As others have said, the more he thinks about it the worse it will get. Show him other ways to please you - there are lots of things he can do. He will probably recover when the pressure is off.

[Mes T]

One method a psychologist might use to help solve this problem is to give you a strict assignment: Go two weeks just playing with each other, touching each other, having fun, but do NOT, under ANY circumstances, have intercourse!!

What this does is relieve the pressure of having sex, so that's one less thing the guy with the erection problems has to worry about. And more often than not, this gets couples so excited that they end up having sex anyway.