[StillLearnin]

Are you really "sexually aggressive?"

Sounds more like you have an "active sexual interest."

Just because you are initiating doesn't mean you are being aggressive about it. He might think you are because he doesn't want it.

[Magnetism]

^A better term might be "sexually assertive," but I know what she means.



I think a sexually assertive and comfortable woman might be the only one that understands how some men can get intimidated or turned off. Some men say they would love a woman that initiates sex and is confident in her sexuality, but when they get one---the reaction is quite the opposite, IMHO. I mentioned how my exes have reacted in another thread, but maybe I'm just meeting the wrong people.

Books say that men are unconsciously programmed to chase, but feel free to disagree with it. In my dating experience, men seem to want you more when you keep your sexuality a mystery.

I sometimes wonder if sexually assertive women unconsciously go for men that don't appreciate them? I would always say "I only go for open-minded men," but the fact is all of my exes were conservative and old-fashioned in their thinking (I didn't realize this until now). It's one of those things where we say one thing, but do another.

[rcoreyus]

I think people vary a lot. I think I would have really enjoyed a relationship with an sexually assertive woman - but maybe that is because I have the opposite. I think that most people can find someone who is compatible, and shouldn't settle for someone who isn't.

[newhere808]

Some men are with sex like people are with money, you want it, you want lot's of it, but if presented with an abundance of it, you really don't know what to do with it. One things that is somewhat against men is that when it comes to intercourse there is an actual physical reaction that needs to take place, or the show just isn't gonna start, not saying women shouldn't be properly turned on as well, but I digress.

It is possible that your hight drive stacked against his weaker drive makes him feel that much worse about it. One of the reasons a lot of guys have this big drive to be all about sex is because that is how they are often judged, by both men and women. Women can be even more harsh on an unexperienced man then his peers, so many men project this confidence in their ability and how much they want it. But sometimes when it comes right down to brass tacks, frequent sex, especially sex that requires time to please your partner, can become work for some guys.

I personally have a very high drive mentally, I love to please my partner. Unfortunately that doesn't always mean everything else is on board, so I may have to fill some time with foreplay until i'm firing on all cylinders again. Most wouldn't considered it a problem, but some guys have it worse and some not at all, it all depends on the guy.

[WildChild]

Some men have no interest in foreplay, under any circumstances - at least not once they have a woman's affection secured. Sounds like they may need as much or more at times. Neither gender has benefited from these stereotypes.

[newhere808]

Some men have no interest in foreplay, under any circumstances - at least not once they have a woman's affection secured. Sounds like they may need as much or more at times. Neither gender has benefited from these stereotypes.

Very true.

[mylo99]

It's not aggression

It's not aggression. It's the mode he happens to be in at the moment you want sex. You have to try to figure out what are the circumstances that lead up to his initiating sex. For example, he might have become one of those guys who doesn't want sex unless you both have very recently showered. It could even be what he ate within the previous hour or two. Maybe it's vegging on the couch (that makes him not in the mood) before bed. Maybe having recently worked out gets him going. The next time he initiates sex, you have to analyze every-which-way exactly what the factors are that led up to that moment. It could even be your behavior on the day of (or even the hour(s) prior). Analyze, analyze, analyze, Babe. Once you figure it out, duplicate, duplicate, duplicate. Happy sleuthing !

[Lanette]

I may have some advice

Why can't I find a man that can keep up with me sexually? It seems to me when I am the one who starts sex they don't want it, it seems like it has to be their idea. I get so upset I get aggressive about it some times. Last night my husband slept on the couch. Is there something wrong with me? I am nice looking, not over weight I work out I sometimes ride my bike 18 miles a day in the summer? Why is aggressiveness a turn off to men? I am married and I want to stay that way but my husband won't even talk to me about it?We have only been married 2 years! It started on our honey moon night? Before we got married he wouldn't keep his hands off, now I can't get him to keep his hands on me! What is wrong?

If your husband is anything like my boyfriend, who consistently tells me he can't keep up with me, I think he likes to make the first move. He generally starts out very sensitive and soft, then suddenly surprises me with gradual aggression. I noticed that my quietness and patience is golden with him. He always wants to start out on top. Then he moves me around where ever he wants me. On his sleepy nights, he gives me that 'look' and it's okay for me to climb up and win the rodeo! So maybe if you stay patient, don't ask too many questions, practice soft kisses, let his imagination and hands work, then you may get exactly what you are looking for... But that's just my opinion!

[Guest]

Time to move on. "It started on our honeymoon". Are you kidding me. Run, don't walk. A change that drastic only means one thing; dishonesty. Pretending to be someone you are not. Before children are involved get out of this relationship. Aggresiveness should not be a turn off but a turn on.

[Explorer44]

No, I don't thing aggressiveness should be a turn on. Personally I might find it absolutely a turn off.

There is a difference between assertive and aggressive.

Aggressive: Inclined to behave in an actively hostile fashion
assertive: 1. confident and direct in claiming one's rights or putting forward one's views 2. given to making assertions or bold demands; dogmatic or aggressive


Assertiveness can be positive. Aggressiveness not so much.