[sillytink]

hi my name is cristina and i am 27 years old. i have been in an amazing relationship for the past 2 years with the most amazing man ever. he has seriously changed my life and i honestly have no clue where i would be without him. i was always under the impression that to show that you truly loves someone you needed to have sex with them. and when we first started dating we used to have sex very often in many cases multiple times a day. Today however i have absolutely no interest in having sex. and it kills me to see him hurt because of this. ive tried to explain to him that it has nothing to do with him and that it is all me and something in my head. he knows that i have been sexually molested when i was a child and that i was raped by my ex-fiance of 4.5 years. i have only had 8 sexual partners and for some reason i have noticed the same pattern; i can go months (sometimes even more then a year) at a time with out having sex and be perfectly content and then when i do have sex its like i binge on it and out of no where i loose all interest. i am so upset about this that i have decided to participate in a study for HSDD. i want to be intimate with the man i intend to spend the rest of my life with and i want it not to feel like a chore. is there anyone out there that is going through or has been though this experience if so do you have any advice.

[LanaBear]

Just out of curiosity, have you ever thought about counseling? You have had some traumatic things happen regarding sex in your past, I would definitely consider counseling, for you and the both of you together.

[sillytink]

yes i have been to counseling 3 times; when i was in foster care, shortly after the rape incident and that was with my ex, and most recently in 2008... i am at a loss

[Guest]

First of all, you have a man that knows your history and is staying with you. That is a huge commitment. You have had a traumatic expierence and it will always be with you. However, as time goes by and the man you are with understands and is patient, you will get more and more comfortable. Continue to satifsy hime sexually, it requires no emotion on your part. You will begin to heal, the act of satisfying your partner will help you. Give first, then see how it goes. I wish you all the best.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

i want to be intimate with the man i intend to spend the rest of my life with and i want it not to feel like a chore.

That's a good start a very good start, it's a desire that you want. In the past, it seems you've just "given" and "taken" for yourself, instead of being intimate and learning, how our bodies are, as two, how souls actually connect.

yes i have been to counseling 3 times; when i was in foster care, shortly after the rape incident and that was with my ex, and most recently in 2008... i am at a loss

What do you feel if anything did you at least get from the 2008 sessions?

Do you still see "sex as sex" but understand that there is another side, called "intimacy" and that, is totally different that 1) what you've experienced and 2) what has been given to you in the past, 2008 and before hand.

It's understandable, what you have done and why, and I wonder if it's "trust".

Do you trust the person your with now? Really trust him? Realise that he loves you? Wouldn't hurt you?

Past is past, present is present which leads to the future.

Why not read up as much as you can about "sexual intimacy with a partner" start to learn the reality of what that all means and how beautiful it can be. By pass anything "ANYTHING" you read that says "sex" uses the term sex. Animals have sex, and even being horny and having spontaneous intimacy, can be intimate, NOT SEX... Sex, is when it's just for the sake of it.. But, as you know usually two willing participants.

Continue to satifsy hime sexually, it requires no emotion on your part. You will begin to heal, the act of satisfying your partner will help you.

I am sorry I don't agree with this. This is you having sex, the very thing you need to forget about and get rid of, that word in your mind...

What you need to learn is that sexual intercourse with love attached is intimate, it is not threatening. It is not going to lead to him going against your will and in that, your man needs to take this slowly again with you, your allowed to fall, your allowed to get scared and your allowed to say no.

With your partner, you need to not talk about the rapes anymore, but concentrate on the small things, the kisses, that are warm and you feel it in your tummy, that gut feeling of love. You need to ask him to "make love to you" and if he is not sure of the difference, google or read things together, to see..

Once you jump the hurdle of there are two ways of sexual intercourse, I think you will break through this.

CW

[cuff]

You'll push him away if you don't try to figure out what is wrong. Continue to let him know you are trying to find a solution and it has nothing to do with him. Hopefully he'll continue to be patient. Let him know in other ways you find him physically attractive. Some of us connect a woman that doesn't want sex anymore, as a woman that's not attracted to us. It's also a knock to some of our egos in that if she doesn't want sex, then we must not be any good in bed.

If you have zero desire for the act of sex, try pleasing him in other ways sexually. Such as oral and manual stimulation. That shows him you are putting forth the effort and care what he feels and care about his needs. But, try to figure out what is wrong be it emotionally, physically, or something else.

[Mes T]

I absolutely do NOT think you should be doing sexual favors for him if you don't want to, if it makes you feel uncomfortable.

Sure that might eventually cause you two to split, since sex is very important to a lot of people, but heck, imo that's WAY better than continuing to please someone without getting anything in return, ESPECIALLY GIVEN YOUR PAST. How is a person supposed to heal from being raped and etc if she acts like that?

I agree with the advice that you need to figure out a way to uncover the meaning of "making love" and maybe do away with what it means to have "sex" altogether.

Be infatuated with your man. Blush when he kisses you lightly on the cheek. Get giddy when he looks into your eyes for longer than expected. And retain those feelings when you start to explore each other's bodies. That's what making love is about. Forget "sex."

[kygirl]

I think it is important to evaluate why you felt that way in the past and how you feel differently now? Do you feel a disconnect with the man you're with now or just sex in general. It seems like you are going to have to quit thinking of sex as something you "have" to do... I'd try to be intimate in other ways, sharing stories, experiencing new things together, etc and see if maybe that does allow you to open up and be more intimate in other ways?

Also, maybe you should go to counseling again? I have recently started last November and I was truly shocked as how much it allowed me to view things differently. I'm not saying it's easy but perhaps talking about it both with your partner and with someone else will help. It's hard to move past traumatic things but you also have to realize that the sex isn't the bad thing, it was just the people that you had the experiences with. It can be a good thing again but don't pressure yourself so much.

[cuff]

I absolutely do NOT think you should be doing sexual favors for him if you don't want to, if it makes you feel uncomfortable.

Sure that might eventually cause you two to split, since sex is very important to a lot of people, but heck, imo that's WAY better than continuing to please someone without getting anything in return, ESPECIALLY GIVEN YOUR PAST. How is a person supposed to heal from being raped and etc if she acts like that?

This isn't about doing "sexual favors" and the forcing of anything such as with her sexual abuse. She is in love with her boyfriend, and WANTING to understand and figure out what is wrong. Totally different than being molested and raped, which is an unwilling act and about control and violence for a man.

Can you understand deriving pleasure from doing something for somebody you're in love with, without having any tangible pleasure? You enjoy giving that person something without needing anything in return, and it's a positive thing? That's what I'm speaking of with her. From her post, she has no desire of the sexual act, but seemingly adores her boyfriend. The act of her giving him sexual pleasure and him receiving it, could be a positive thing for both. This is coming from love and understanding, not control and violence. Her boyfriend has apparently been patient and understanding with her. MANY men would have cheated or bolted from the relationship.

[sillytink]

thank you all for your thoughts, opinions, and advice... although your words have given me different perspectives to view this situation, i guess i was secretly hoping that there was someone else out there that is or has went through what i am going though. my thoughts and views on counseling are as follows: ONCE A THERAPIST HEARS AND SEES YOU TALKING ABOUT SUCH ISSUES WITHOUT BREAKING DOWN AND KNOWING THAT IT WAS NOT YOUR FAULT THEY DEEM YOU HEALED.... and i personally feel that im ok with who i am today because of those things... and as i mentioned in the original post, i am participating in a study for HSDD (Hypoactive Sexual Desire Disorder) to see if maybe there is something clinically wrong with me. again i do thank all of you and i will post again on the 16th after i get screened for the study under the title: am i alone??? (pt 2)