[WildChild]

I think what Beachgirl is dealing with isn't a matter of what she finds right or wrong, nor of what she finds in her scriptures but that her husband's interpretation will limit and define what he is willing to do. Just as we have discussed here many times, the sexual relationship is controlled by the one with the lower interest, in her case it is controlled by the one with the narrower interpretation. As we have explored repeatedly, this is rarely resloved, except by the one with a higher drive resigning themselves to a less than satisfactory sexual experience. I guess we've seen a few cases where the other changed when they realized the relationship would end otherwise but Beachgirl is not interested in making that kind of ultimatum.

[Guest]

i understand that. what i dont understand is the nature of a spiritual conviction that prohibits oral sex. it's one thing if he plain old doesnt enjoy doing it. it is something else if its a belief based on ???

[WildChild]

People have different ways if interpreting what they read, if that weren't true religious understanding would not have changed so much over time, not would there be different sects. Both Christianity and Islam have a significant number of adherants who have either an outright belief or at least a sense that life on earth is not intended to hold much joy, fun or pleasure - that is reserved for the afterlife. I have talked with many people who are essentially suspicious of anything that is "too" pleasurable. It is really a matter of interpretation and life understanding. One person might look at the fact that a woman's clitorus's only function is orgasmic pleasure as proof we were meant to find great pleasure in sex, another might see it as a test or temptation. However we may feel about that view, this isn't the place to judge or argue it.

Beachgirl is looking for support in dealing with and accepting her situation. Even if a poster does not like to think of her having less pleasure than she could with her husband, empathy and understanding can still be offered.

[Guest]

You must be misunderstanding what I have been trying to say. I do feel empathy for her and wish things were not the way they are. What i do not understand is his perception and was trying to give her a few words she might try to use.

[rcoreyus]

There are so many religious interpretations of things - I can't fault anyone for beliefs that don't directly harm others.

Beachgirl, you need to be honest with yourself - how important is this to you? If you think you can get used to not getting what you want in bed, and can be happy because your husband is wonderful in other ways, they things are fine.

If you really don't think you can give up on wanting this - it can turn into poison for the relationship. You risk far worse sins that way.

Sex has a different importance to different people. How important is it to you (you don't need to answer us, but you do need to be honest with yourself)?

[beachgirl]

I guess when I first posted that I knew..well, no guessing, I knew that my situation would be difficult for some to understand. Wildchild, I can see why you are a moderator, you really have a tremendous amount of disernment and compassion and understanding. Thank you.
That is not to put anyone elses input down though. I do appreciate everyone that took time to give their thoughts and input, even if they didn't understand.
Faith is a very personal thing. When I typed that lst night about my husband putting God first, it's really the first time that I had really, REALLY seen it that way. This was a difficult position for my husband to come to. We had gone through alot, to get to the point where we felt that it was ok (I mean .. would YOU want to go to your pastor and talk about this???). And he knew how much it meant to me. But I saw him struggling with his conscience, you don't live with someone for 27 years and not have any clue what is going on in their heads. But, once he came to the decision that he just couldn't do it, the decision was made. When he told me, I knew that. YES. I struggled with thoughts that God was being unfair to me, my husband was misinterpreting what he was feeling, etc, etc, but...really...I can't fault my husband for desiring to be faithful to God.
His faith has only made him a better husband throughout the years.
After my posts yesterday, (and things had kind of led up to me posting, that I didn't go into as it wasn't really necessary) I was really dejected. And I don't hide my feelings well at all. My husband made me talk to him. I didn't go into the oral sex issue, as it's a nonissue with him (that is finished), but we did talk frankly about what I was feeling otherwise. He is determined that the situation isn't "hopeless" as I seemed to feel it was, and that we can find that satisfaction that we have had for many years before we ever experimented with oral.
So, I feel that my issue is acceptance and allowing myself to work out these issues.
As far as other's questions regarding the whys of my husband's feelings...I can only say that I feel some of it is his raising, and some is some scriptures regarding "uncleaness" in sexual relations. We desire all aspects of our life to be pure and holy before God, and he just can't get past that..I guess..but I have to respect his conscience in this issue. And can I take the liberty to say, that I think..I think..I'm coming to a peace with this.
A lot of this peace came from being able to freely express myself here. Thank you.

[jns]

Beachgirl, have you tried to make this work by extending the fantasy that he is using his tongue to give you pleasure? Maybe he needs to get his head between your legs, but use something that feels more like a tongue than a finger, call it a sex toy or a prosthetic device. If he is clever how he does it, it could make your fantasy feel very real. He should never let you see what he is doing, at least not at first. His saliva or your own juices would be the proper lubricant. Good luck.

[kygirl]

I understand convictions making certain things difficult; however, I also believe sometimes convictions change and sometimes they are convictions more so because you have just believed it for a long time (based on false information). That makes it hard to get over (I'm assuming you're in your 40s or 50s so that's a long time to believe something)...

Maybe you can go from the angle that you respect his beliefs, but maybe from a religious standpoint he could think and pray about it a bit more and determine whether he feels that way because he truly feels that way or if perhaps it's instilled in him from being younger and perhaps over time he might change his mind. Religion and spirituality requires growth and changing just like other facets of life. I don't believe God would want you to be unhappy and it's not biblically unsound. Maybe he just needs to decide if it's spiritual or maybe something else??

[FloridaFan]

Hmmmmmmmm............I'm a Christian and I've always had the belief that sex was a beautiful thing created by God to be enjoyed by two married people. ( A man and a woman) And yes at first it was for the creation of children. But what a man and a woman does in the privacy of their bed should never be considered a sin........unless of course you are doing something wrong like ( beastiality or using child porn)

I don't know how to advise you on this. But I think you're right in that it probably has more to do with the way he was raised. Tough situation....I hope that through prayer and patience that it all works out.

My other question though is this.........what exactly are HIS thoughts on sex? By his mindset, shouldn't he only be using sex for procreation? Not for sport? And if so............then wouldn't recreational sex be a sin? I sure hope not. If he thinks that recreational sex is okay............then why wouldn't oral be ok???

[pretzel]

My own 2cents,

I think there are many factors weighing. The first being his upbringing. If he came from a family where sexuality and non-intercoursal relations are left up to one's imaginations, then there may be a real fear of non-familiarity with what you would like whether it be oral, manual stimulation, etc. Having little or no experience in something especially after being with you as long as you two have would make anyone timid to try. It's a concept he may just not have thought much of from the beginning.

I've heard the "uncleanliness" argument before. I don't know if it's scripture based or not, but I have a tendency to believe that this has become a viewpoint of many religious due in part to their spiritual guides' own views and have become dogma simply because it's been passed on from generation to generation. I tend to believe that intercourse only has been the creed passed down simply because it's the safest, easiest way. It's not contraversial. Religous leaders can talk openly about this as opposed to other forms of sexual pleasure.