[sourpuss]

That's the point for me and he doesn't get it. It's not actually about sex for me at all. I don't have to have a lot of sex. But I do need the physical intimacy. I do at least want the person I love to want to touch me, to be attracted to me. But when there isn't anything physical then I'm left with trying to get that from sex. It's unhealthy, I know. I get just as tired as he does and there are times I just want to be left alone to sleep but I do miss the person I'm in love with showing that I'm desired, at least to even want to lay next to me with their arm around me. If 90% of our physicalness together was just laying in bed snuggled up watching TV, I don't think I'd be feeling this way.

But it is a really hard pill to swallow when you love someone and you're attracted to them and you are constantly reminded that you, as a person, don't excite them at all. At this point, I can only take it personally, no matter how many times he says it's not personal.

[Maximus]

Just checking...

That's the point for me and he doesn't get it. It's not actually about sex for me at all. I don't have to have a lot of sex. But I do need the physical intimacy. I do at least want the person I love to want to touch me, to be attracted to me. But when there isn't anything physical then I'm left with trying to get that from sex. It's unhealthy, I know. I get just as tired as he does and there are times I just want to be left alone to sleep but I do miss the person I'm in love with showing that I'm desired, at least to even want to lay next to me with their arm around me. If 90% of our physicalness together was just laying in bed snuggled up watching TV, I don't think I'd be feeling this way.

But it is a really hard pill to swallow when you love someone and you're attracted to them and you are constantly reminded that you, as a person, don't excite them at all. At this point, I can only take it personally, no matter how many times he says it's not personal.

According to him, why is he in the relationship ?

[sourpuss]

According to him, why is he in the relationship ?

He says he loves me and wants to be with me. According to him, it's the most normal, healthy relationship he's ever had. He says he's attracted to me and wants to be with me and that it's not personal or about me. His response is always that if he didn't want to be my boyfriend, then he wouldn't. He was the one who pursued me, for months and really pushed to be in a relationship.
And this morning he was all sweet and went and got me coffee and was all cheery and then got mad when I was grumpy. I just don't get it.

[Maximus]

That's the point for me and he doesn't get it. It's not actually about sex for me at all. I don't have to have a lot of sex. But I do need the physical intimacy. I do at least want the person I love to want to touch me, to be attracted to me. But when there isn't anything physical then I'm left with trying to get that from sex. It's unhealthy, I know. I get just as tired as he does and there are times I just want to be left alone to sleep but I do miss the person I'm in love with showing that I'm desired, at least to even want to lay next to me with their arm around me. If 90% of our physicalness together was just laying in bed snuggled up watching TV, I don't think I'd be feeling this way.

But it is a really hard pill to swallow when you love someone and you're attracted to them and you are constantly reminded that you, as a person, don't excite them at all. At this point, I can only take it personally, no matter how many times he says it's not personal.

I think you should tell him exactly what you wrote in this post if you haven't already done.
Everything you wrote is giving elements for you, both, to heal whatever is in pain. There is a great opportunity to revive the togetherness.
Depicting the type of connection you are seeking for you, both, will help jump over the natural tendency to get into the defensive mode.

V.

[WildChild]

And to end, I learned that sexual energy is about creation ! Whenever you feel the need for sex, it wants you create something. Up to you to decide what and how you create.
If you choose to create intimacy through carnal pleasures, fine but this is not the only way.

At least this is how I am coming to terms with this wild animal called 'sex'

I'll agree that sexual energy can be about creation but if you don't want "carnal" pleasures, all you really want is a bestfriend for a roommate. That's fine IF it's what both want, but it rarely is.

I want it ALL; love, great freindship and great sex.

[sourpuss]

I'll agree that sexual energy can be about creation but if you don't want "carnal" pleasures, all you really want is a bestfriend for a roommate. That's fine IF it's what both want, but it rarely is.

I want it ALL; love, great freindship and great sex.

Agreed. And I've brought that up because he was the one that pushed so hard to be in a relationship. If he just wanted to be friends, things could have just stayed the way they were because we were great friends before.

When I tell him it's not about sex, it's about affection, etc. He says that he's just not touchy-feely and that I'm asking him to be someone he's not.

[WildChild]

When I tell him it's not about sex, it's about affection, etc. He says that he's just not touchy-feely and that I'm asking him to be someone he's not.

Was he when he was pursuing you?

Sounds a lot like what I've been dealing with. Super affectionate and close and caring - until you are in deep and then pull back.

[sourpuss]

Was he when he was pursuing you?

Sounds a lot like what I've been dealing with. Super affectionate and close and caring - until you are in deep and then pull back.

Exactly.

All summer long he chased me. There were a couple of other guys that I was spending a lot of time with and I think that had something to do with it. He is a typical guy in the respect that his way of being secure in the relationship is being here. He tells me that he loves me more now than he did 6 months ago when he was all super affectionate. I believe him, he does care. I think I just don't do it for him and he's content with the status quo for some reason.

[WildChild]

The question is for how long?
At some point one of you will decide they need something different.
If it's him, you will have adapted to his non-sex or low sex needs and will find yourself in the new role of not being exciting enough or sexual enough. Or he could simply decide he needs to be alone then.
You're compromising what you really want, for his current friendship. How long can you do it? I'm older, have just about raised my family and am exploring where I go from here. In many ways, right now, staying with the status quo works for me. But he and I both know that won't always be the case. There is change and growth occurring. You are young and your perspective should be a little different. But maybe not, if you don't have a burning desire to start a family, your situation may bot be so very different. What has to answered is, how long are you willing to live with this. Have a wonderful and close friend is always a good thing but they cannot fill the same role as a wonderful and close lover.

[sourpuss]

Yeah, I'm torn I guess. I think it's too late for me to start over in the dating scene if having children is my motivation. I'm 33, I live in a relatively small town. So the 'moving on to find someone to start a family with' option is sort of off the table. The problem I'm having is that it's him that I want to be with. He's certainly not the first guy that wasn't attracted to me, that's for sure. Which is fine, but I'm not in love with those other guys and they don't sleep in my bed and spend every day with me. That's the tough pill to swallow.
I don't know how much longer I can do it. I promised myself that I wouldn't make the same mistake I did with my ex (stay with him because he was depressed). I wasted six years with him. We didn't have sex for the last 3! I'm just not going to do that again.