[rcoreyus]

I'm not saying its the right choice, but it is NEVER too late to start over. Never too late to trade an unhappy relationship for a happy one. 33 is still young.

You need to be honest with yourself about how important sex is to you. A lot of people can not be happy in a relationship with a bad sex life. If you are one of them, then you should leave - this doesn't sound like it will get better.

It is terrible to live with someone you both love and resent. I've posted before (from firsthand knowledge) of how destructive to a relationship an imbalanced sex life can be.

My feeling is that you are young - find someone you can really enjoy your life with.

[stressed]

I'm in a relationship of 4 years with sex being the weakest point from day 1. It doesn't get better and you won't stop wanting sex just because he doesn't want it. It won't change. There are more chances of you losing interest in sex than him starting to like it again.

You will feel frustrated every day, that it's your fault, that you're not attractive enough, that he only wants a companion and not a lover. Certainly, sex is not everything, but at least affection is very important. Because 5 years down the road, with things being as they are today, another man might fall for you all of the sudden and want to have you in bed 24/7. Do you really think you could turn down such a suggestion? From a man who doesn't make you feel wanted to a man who wants to give you everything? I wonder, and I also wonder about myself.

You can find a better companion in life. You seem to be a strong woman who can handle herself just fine without a man. You have time to start a family, 33 is nothing to worry about. Starting a family with a man who makes you unhappy is worse than waiting for a better man to start a family with when you turn 40 (for example). Family doesn't bring happiness by default. It's the one you decide to start it with that matters the most.

He has to start counseling, as I can see how much you love this man, but it won't work for you like this. He needs help, someone to talk to about his fears and past experiences. He must do that if he truly loves you as much as you love him.

[sourpuss]

I'm in a relationship of 4 years with sex being the weakest point from day 1. It doesn't get better and you won't stop wanting sex just because he doesn't want it. It won't change. There are more chances of you losing interest in sex than him starting to like it again.

You will feel frustrated every day, that it's your fault, that you're not attractive enough, that he only wants a companion and not a lover. Certainly, sex is not everything, but at least affection is very important. Because 5 years down the road, with things being as they are today, another man might fall for you all of the sudden and want to have you in bed 24/7. Do you really think you could turn down such a suggestion? From a man who doesn't make you feel wanted to a man who wants to give you everything? I wonder, and I also wonder about myself.

You can find a better companion in life. You seem to be a strong woman who can handle herself just fine without a man. You have time to start a family, 33 is nothing to worry about. Starting a family with a man who makes you unhappy is worse than waiting for a better man to start a family with when you turn 40 (for example). Family doesn't bring happiness by default. It's the one you decide to start it with that matters the most.

He has to start counseling, as I can see how much you love this man, but it won't work for you like this. He needs help, someone to talk to about his fears and past experiences. He must do that if he truly loves you as much as you love him.

I agree. I'll try to bring the counseling subject up...gently.
We talked a bit about it today and didn't really get that far. But he did say he wanted to stop with the camper project early this evening and spend time together. (he actually said "Let's make it an early day and spend the evening together snugglin and stuff", haha) So that's a step in the right direction.

[stressed]

That's nice! I hope it was a wonderful evening for both even without sex. Maybe once he finds how 'cuddly evenings' can be rewarding and won't feel pressured to have sex every time he might open up more. He should soon see that you are not his ex and that sex can be different to what he is used to.

If he's against counseling you could try to make him talk to you a little each time. Not every day, but when he's relaxed and it would seem a relative thing to talk about. I'd guess it's a similar situation as with women who've been abused by their partners for years and end up with a loving man but still avoid sex. It's not impossible to improve as long as he talks to you.

[heartbrkn]

Ah, thank you HD. You're always the voice of reason. I'll heed your advice, it's the mature and smart thing to do.
We'll see how it goes. I definitely need to let all of this go so it doesn't turn into resentment, I can feel that happening and I really don't want that.

And yes, my sex drive is on the rapid decline now because of not having any sex, so I should mind that as well.

I hope you are right and it actually gets things back to normal soon. We shall see. I'm half optimistic.

I totally relate to your situation, I am going through the same. We have been together almost 3 years, living together the past year and ever since we have moved in together he has not wanted to have sex. At first he would tell me he wasn't feeling well, and then rejection after rejection, and now its been 11 months with no sex. Every time I bring it up he says nothing is wrong and then silence, hoping the problem (and me being upset) will just go away. I have gone to counseling on this, trying to find ways to approach having him talk to me, nothing has worked and I have pretty much have given him an ultimatum...talk, go to counseling, or I am moving out. It sucks, I am 30 and thought this was the man I was going to spend my life with. I love him dearly, but how much longer can I hang on? Like you, I have not been able to focus on anything else, constantly on the verge on tears, and find myself drifting from friends b/c I am so upset. It is so hard to think you have worked this hard in the relationship and it still wont work, and the thought of being single, alone, and going through the whole process again is terrifying. The only thing that keeps me going is "I know I deserve better".

[grrrr]

Wow! This is a great site, and I totally appreciate all of the aggrivation that people on here are experiencing. Sourpuss: I think that you are very patient.

Honestly, I don't even know what to say, I'm in the SAME BOAT and I'm relieved that I'm not alone! I'm reading everything, and in a way it makes me feel better. yet it makes me even more annoyed.

I try to take the backseat and not say anything, not do I try to initiate anything (however, if I'm not the one to start it, it won't happen) and it just gets me so annoyed. I've talked to him about talking to his doc, but for some reason he won't. Maybe he's just embarassed, I don't know. I DO know that it's just not even trying anymore. When we actually become "physical" - because it's been so long since the last time, it literally lasts 3 minutes tops..... that's awesome for me.... and I know that it shouldn't be all about me, I'm not selfish like that, but he always says that it's because it's "been so long since the last time." -- which begs the notion: PORK ME MORE OFTEN, AND WE'LL BOTH ENJOY IT. Nope.

I'm at my wits end. I guess over the past month I've given up. I'm starting to get grossed out at the idea of being intimate with him in that way, I don't enjoy it anymore, and have stopped even asking for it. I guess that part of our relationship is over???

Again, Sourpuss, you seem like the exact opposite of your name. Kudo's to you for TRYING to help your situation.

[sourpuss]

Whoa, twice in one week! Woohoo! I'll try to keep this ball rolling.

[LanaBear]

YAY! Congratulations!

[sourpuss]

It was good too. He even mentioned the other day "we'll have sex again soon, that was really good." So maybe he just needs to have it more regularly so he doesn't forget how much fun it is.

[Hopeless Dork]

Whoa, twice in one week! Woohoo! I'll try to keep this ball rolling.

The more he has, the more he will be reminded of how good the experience is... the more he will want it!

Like a lot of women here can attest to , the longer you go without sex the less you think about it, the more you ponder... whats all the fuss about? Sex isn't a big deal... don't even miss it.

But when you are getting regularly and it is GOOOOOOD... the world is a beautiful place lol...

I imagine a guy has to work pretty similar there