[sourpuss]

I did tell him that he did the ol bait and switch and he got really offended and said I was basically calling him a liar. The thing is, he pursued me for months before we became a couple. I just don't get it.

So basically, it's my problem until it's his problem and then it's our problem until he wants to fix it, if ever. hmm

[Ashlee T.]

That's a really tough situation to be in. There's no easy answer because it seems like there's no win, either he has sex and doesn't want to, or you don't have sex and want to. But it's not really a lose lose.....because this coming out so early in the relationship is a GOOD thing for you hard as it may be. You're sexually incompatible. It's easy to have a great sex life early on cause it's infatuation, but as we all know infatuation ends and turns into something more realistic. This is his "realistic". Now you get to see who he is. Using his past is sort of bogus to me because he had no problem having sex with you in the beginning. So, despite the hurt and frustration of it all, you're sexually incompatible and it's better to know now rather than later.

Sorry sweetie. Booooo I say!

[stressed]

That's very frustrating. He can be offended if he wants to and, yes, what he did was lie. He gave you some sex in the beginning and now that "he has you" he wants it his way. The longer you let him think "it's alright" the more comfortable he will become and if you suddenly mention it again 2 months later he will look at you shocked and say "but I thought we worked great together!".

I'm afraid that if he won't change his mind you will get fed up with him, even if you are very much in love with him at the moment. You will feel more and more unwanted each day you don't have sex. You will start wondering if it's your fault (which already has started, I remember your other thread). Do you still see yourself being in love in the same way, say, 5 years later without sex? This can't be solved without counseling no matter how much you try. He wants a good friend for a roommate, not a woman. It's very sad.

[sourpuss]

There's some truth to that for sure. I'm trying to look at the big picture and see it for what it is. A lot of stresses have been added to our lives with being laid off, work=place injuries, etc etc. I know that most men have a harder time separating those things from personal life. So I'm willing to stick it out until those things are back to normal and see if things get better.

I'm definitely willing to meet somewhere in the middle and I'm willing to stick around until work/weather/money stresses aren't an issue to see if that boosts his mental mood. So I don't want to run for the hills just yet and throw the baby out with the bath water. I just think it's going to take a lot of patience and mental toughness to not let it affect me negatively...more than it already has. *sigh

[sourpuss]

I'm going to ask this question, even though I already know the answer.
So the last couple of days, I've just thrown my hands up and resided myself to the situation for now. I've just been like, fine we're just buddies now...that's our relationship dynamic, blah blah. But he definitely noticed that something is up. So yesterday he was super lovey and affectionate but now that it's been this way for so long I don't feel it anymore. I knew that was going to happen.
The other day he asked why I took my clothes with me to the bathroom to get changed because usually I just walk around the house naked before a shower, no big deal. But at this point it seems inappropriate or uncomfortable.
Anyway, I know that in the next few days the subject of sex will come up, but now I feel like it's become this negative/control thing within the relationship. And even though I really want to, part of me is thinking I should turn him down just because I feel like if I give in and we are intimate, then he still holds all the control. I know it's passive-aggressive and probably a bad idea, but maybe it's the wake up call that he needs to not take me for granted. Bad idea, right? Erg, don't know what to do.

[Hopeless Dork]

If you want sex when he inniciates it... I think you should indulge, for yourself more than him. AS LONG AS, and only IF he's trully making you feel desired by him. If it feels like he's just trying to pacify you ... then no, I don't think you should. For the obvious reason that pity sex is not pleasurable.

But if you are excited, and you feel his excitement... you should enjoy the moment. Maybe he, himself, will remember how good intimacy with you is and be drawn back into it.

Remember the more sex you have the more you want, if it works on us women maybe its the same for guys? I'd hope? It could be an opportunity to rekindle that physical connection and in my opinion that would be the better move to bring you guys together instead of trying to act in a way you don't want just to get him to feel like you've been feeling. Do you know what I mean?

Its like an opportunity to bring you guys closer, or to cement your physical distance. Of course it depends on a lot of factors in play in the moments before but I think you should follow what your heart and body want over any feelings of bitterness or revenge... things will never get better that way.

[sourpuss]

Ah, thank you HD. You're always the voice of reason. I'll heed your advice, it's the mature and smart thing to do.
We'll see how it goes. I definitely need to let all of this go so it doesn't turn into resentment, I can feel that happening and I really don't want that.

And yes, my sex drive is on the rapid decline now because of not having any sex, so I should mind that as well.

I hope you are right and it actually gets things back to normal soon. We shall see. I'm half optimistic.

[molly36]

i hope it works out ok, sounds like you cant be sure.

[Ashlee T.]

I think HD gave you good advice. I do want to say though that I understand the fine line between when a little dry spell turns into big resentment....and it's very hard to ever turn back that resentment. Perhaps this is an end to a dry spell for him? You have been patient, not pushing it, and maybe now he feels less pressure and is ready to get back into the swing of things.

Now.....if you do it, then the sex stops again for another long period of time, then he starts lovey dovey'ing around again.....it may be time to put your foot down. You can't allow yourself to just be at his sexual beck and call, while you patiently wait and have to deal with your own sexual frustration. Basically, if he's not at your sexual beck and call, you shouldn't be expected to return the favor.

But, again, I agree with HD. Give it a shot, see how it goes. It may just turn out great.

[sourpuss]

You gals are awesome. I agree. I'm going to stay positive but mindful and see how it goes.