[alicat1977]

thanks rcoreyus- it seems like you get what i'm feeling.

1. You can go to counseling. You've tried this already, and it isn't likely to work this time either. (sorry). If he doesn't think its important then it probably won't improve.

I have tried this numerous times. I have also spoken with him directly about this. We had the conversation just a few weeks ago. Nothing has changed. I truly don't think it can.

2. You can get a divorce. You have every right to, and it might be better for your child. If you can part on reasonable terms she can still see both her parents. You will eventually find someone else to love who will be intimate with you. I don't know if he would be devastated by this.

The thought of living in a different house than him breaks my heart. I don't want to be a single mom, but I realize that I am teaching my daughter how to have a relationship and if this stays the same, I will damage her ability to be healthy in her relationships.

3. You can continue to sleep with other men. This gets you sex and you can stay with your husband. In some sense this might be a reasonable choice: He gets to stay with you, you raise children together, and you get your needs met somewhere else. I know a lot of people will be horrified, but I don't think this is the worst solution.

This would be the best solution if we can be open about it. I hate lying to him and I hate worrying that I'll get caught. I don't worry about getting caught because of the divorce repercussions. I just don't want to hurt him.
I'm not really sleeping with other men. I'm sleeping with one man on a regular basis. It's not like I'm out at the clubs looking to hook up.

4. You can live the way you are, continuing to hope, and resenting him. This is the option I choose myself and I wouldn't recommend it for anyone. It is a miserably lonely life.

I can't do this. I've been doing it for 8 years.

So- can an "open marriage" work? I don't want to be swingers, and I don't want to rub his face in anything. I would just like for us to have an understanding that when it comes to sex and affection, we get that elsewhere and simply look the other way.
Am I the only one who can separate sex and emotion? If he agrees to this, how long will he be ok with it? He's not the type of guy to go pick up girls. It's not his style. So, I fear that I'd be the only one getting affection elsewhere.

[Mes T]

He's not the type of guy to go pick up girls. It's not his style. So, I fear that I'd be the only one getting affection elsewhere.

So what? As long as you both come to an open understanding and agreement, then whether or not HE sleeps around is not important.

I think that in a situation like yours, with a willing partner, an open relationship can work. I'm not a fan of them myself but think that this is one of the best options given the circumstances.

Whatever you do, I think you gotta stop sleeping with this other guy in secret. Either break contact with him, or come clean about it to your husband.

The truth always comes out. Always. And it might as well come from you, willingly.

[rcoreyus]

Open marriages can work - but not for a lot of people. If you have been sleeping with another man and have not developed a strong emotional attachment, maybe this works for you - might or might not for your husband.

A cautionary tale though: A female friend of mine once described a time (she wasn't married) when she had a relationship with a man just for casual sex. Both agreed, neither were other relationships, they had lots of fun. Both clearly understood the situation. Then when she found someone else she wanted a permanent relationship with, this other man became terribly upset. Despite everything they had said and agreed to, he had become completely emotionally attached.

That said, if your husband agrees, then an open relationship might be the best solution.

Now I'll say something really outrageous. If he doesn't agree, maybe cheating is still the best answer. You get to have a sex life, and your husband gets to stay with the woman he loves. No one is really hurt. I know most people will disagree, but honestly, is this really worse than either leaving him, or essentially coercing him into sex by the threat of leaving?

Again, Alicat1977 you have my sympathy - I'm just thinking out loud (well to be picky on the computer) here trying to come up with some solution.

[stressed]

I was about to fully agree with corey, until I remembered some parts of your post.

To me it seems like the worst problem here is the lack of intimacy and connection more than sex. He doesn't touch you, or kiss you, or look at you, but has been like this since day one. You were not too young when you married him, 25 is an age when you normally know what you are doing. If you had married him at 17 or even 20 then I could also say you married him without thinking. But I think you knew what you were getting yourself into.

You tell him what a serious problem it is to you, he promises to fix it, you go to counseling, but he doesn't make enough effort. He either thinks like you (doesn't want to leave because of the child and because he loves you) or because he doesn't care.

He doesn't care whether you have an orgasm or not, he doesn't seem interested in sex.

If I understood this correctly, you told him you had sex with other people in the past, but he neither improved nor asked for a divorce. His behaviour is very passive in many ways.

I don't see how you can save such a marriage, whether you have sex with others or not. You will still feel unhappy since cheating is not what you want, cheating is only the side-effect of your unhappy marriage. It's not as if you cheat on him and feel good about yourself, or see it as just getting sex since your husband doesn't give you any. You feel guilty about it, you don't want to hurt him, you don't want to hide. If you suggest an open-marriage he will either become even more colder with you or you will become cold with him, as you won't expect to have sex with him anymore: you will know you can find it somewhere else.

Also, having casual sex with the same person, especially since you are married, can have the opposite result. This man might fall for you or expect more in the long run, or you might fall for him, or be bothered when he finds a steady girlfriend, you might get pregnant, an STD, and so on.

Perhaps cheating for a while, until you'd see if he wants to improve or not, would be a solution, but I don't think he's interested in making any changes and you are still unhappy. Maybe he has the feeling you're going to stay no matter what you do or no matter how passive he is. You could try to separate for a while (which would also mean no cheating from your side during this time), to see if he behaves any differently, if he tries to win you back with affection, see how much you would miss him, see if you feel better without him or not, but most of all to think.