[Hopeless Dork]

Sorry if this makes no sense I think I'm just a jealous person, when I try to tell myself that it's PORN and it could be worse..

I always feel so sad when I hear the it could be worse reconciliation when talking about a relationship.

How does your relationship feel? Well, not awesomely, but could be worse. Things could ALWAYS be worse. Accpeting things that hurt you because they hurt less than other things that COULD be hurting you isn't a very fair consession.

[redbull]

Oh I saw the part where she said the BIGGEST issue was the lying... but didn't read anywhere that she didn't care about him watching porn.. in fact quite the opposite.

Ok, fine. I gave my advice based on how I interpreted the situation. Maybe my advice was wrong. The OP can decide that when she reads the response. I know I'm not infallible. I just really don't want to get into a debate about whether porn is evil again.

[Hopeless Dork]

Basically, to sum up: Every time you talk about this you get into a fight. He thinks that the fight is about the porn, so he lies about it. The fight is really about the lie. This leads to vicious circle of lying and fighting preventing you from talking about it.

She was upset about the porn and him rejecting for sex before he lied about it, which is why she asked about it, so now, you have hurt over the porn when not in the mood for sex and to top it all off LYING about it which is hurting her more than the rest... but not nullifying what upset her in the first place...

[Hopeless Dork]

Ok, fine. I gave my advice based on how I interpreted the situation. Maybe my advice was wrong. The OP can decide that when she reads the response. I know I'm not infallible. I just really don't want to get into a debate about whether porn is evil again.

No one ever called porn the devils work. Its the sexual neglect and porn that seems to always be the problem, you seem to miss that part of the discussion

[Hopeless Dork]

I've never had a problem with porn itself, have indulged myself... and when I first saw that my bf would use it occasionally i wasn't bothered AT ALL...

It was only when he seemed disinterested in sex with me, tired, etc... yet not disinteresed in porn on the same days he was too tired for me that I developed an aversion to him utilizing it.

If he wanted more than I could give him sexually and used porn, I'd have no problem with it.. but I just didn't want to go without intimacy because he spent his energy on porn.

Luckily for me when I talked about it with my boyfriend he was honest, we worked through why that was happening in the first place and he stopped. Can I say he never peeks ? Nah, I can't... but I don't care anymore about it because he is 10x more sexually driven than he was back when occasional porn was on the comp.

Less porn when he was alone = more sex for me in my situation. I think getting to the root of why the guy is turning to porn instead of intimacy is important if its occuring and working through it together.

Porn while intimacy in a relationship is good is fine.

Porn/masturbation... while the other partner isn't receiving the intimacy they want, is selfish.

[redbull]

No one ever called porn the devils work. Its the sexual neglect and porn that seems to always be the problem, you seem to miss that part of the discussion

Ok. But that's still not what I interpreted from the post based on this specific situation. If I'm wrong, I'm wrong. The OP will weigh in soon enough.

[Hopeless Dork]

BUT i don't know if it's just me because right now i don't have a full time job due to being a full time student but he's always tired.. he works 60 hours a week on an ambulance and it just seems like whenever I'm in the mood, he's not.. but here's the thing.. i know there's been numerous posts of men looking at porn on this site and that's one of the main reasons why i joined. i've had a real hard time dealing with this in my relationship--i know 100% he's loyal to me and has never done anything to hurt me, besides deny the fact that he watches porn. at first i was devastated and irate about it.. but then after realizing that almost every guy watches it.. for reasons who knows why i calmed down. but then i get so worked up about it again. It just makes me feel like I'm not good enough and he'd rather look at some other girl and get off to it. But then I tell myself that can't be true if our sex life isn't bad.. the thing that bugs me and I will admit I snooped on his computer is that he denies looking at it. I found porn on his computer one night that I didn't spend at his house and the next night I stayed over and "he was too tired". Well duh, he got off to it. I've tried to have a conversation with him about it numerous times but he gets so defensive (probably because he knows deep down inside he's lying) and just denies it. I've given up trying to talk to him about it because it gets nowhere besides a huge fight that really isn't worth it. I'm trying to get over the fact that he's always going to watch it but it's just so hard. And it's even worse on my part because I'm being so contradictive because I'm at fault for watching it too. Anyone else in the same boat or have any suggestions how to get my mind off this constant worry about him and porn?!

I don't assume to know what the op feels, as you said she will weigh in soon enough... just highlighting what read into it to come to the conclusion that I did from it.

[doodle89]

Thanks for all the input.. this was mostly me venting so I wouldn't take it out on him once again.. and Redbull, I really appreciate you're input A LOT. I think I needed an honest guys perspective as well. I'm trying my best not to get so worked up about his occasional looks at porn, I mean he's not out getting it from some random girl that could be MUCH worse.

[Hopeless Dork]

I'm trying my best not to get so worked up about his occasional looks at porn, I mean he's not out getting it from some random girl that could be MUCH worse.

I think its good that you are trying not to get so worked up about it, it really doesn't do you any good because if he doesn't care how you feel about it, you can get as worked up as you want about it and he'll do it anyway.

Of course him having an affair would make it much worse, but if he is turning you down for sex because he's having an affair, or turning you down for sex because he's masturbating , or turning you down for sex cause he doesn't want it after he pineapple upside down cake... but won't stop eating that pineapple upside downcake -- the problem is him turning you down for sex, and not what he's doing instead of it.

But keep in mind that if you do watch porn with him, if you do say you are okay with it... its not going to change down the rate for which he turns you down for sex necessarily... unless he understands that you'd like more of it -- and actually cares to please you.

But if you're main concern is just him lying and not his turning you down for sex or the feeling bad about yourself that you implied in your post than i think telling him you wont get mad (if you truly won't get mad) will get him to finally open up about it.

[WildChild]

Carp. lost my post.
I used to be ambilavlent about porn but am move toward finding it a seriously negative thing. Contrary to some people's belief, it isn't a good learning tool. It doesn't portray normal healthy sex within a relationship, nor does it portray how women, or men for that matter, really respond sexually.

I find Doodle's statement that she is glad that he isn't having an affair, sad. She is not getting what she wants or needs. He is giving his time, energy and attention elsewhere. We have heard about the rare case of a woman who is overly fond of a vibrator but there really isn't anything analogous to porn use that women do which would give men the same feeling that women are being subjected to by men's porn use.

It comes down to why you think we are here. I believe we are here to learn, grow and develop and that largely takes place within interpersonal relationships. It fine and important to occasionally be introspective, to be comfortable with yourself, by yourself. But isolating and insulating yourself as anything other than a temporary healing, isn't going to promote positive, healthy growth. Too many people do isolate and insulate themselves with porn, videogames, TV, alcohol, drugs and other means. If this is the path you choose, you should not hold another in a relationship where they are committed to you because the reciprocosity isn't there. Neither can grow and evolve in a positive manner under these conditions.