[doodle89]

Carp. lost my post.
I used to be ambilavlent about porn but am move toward finding it a seriously negative thing. Contrary to some people's belief, it isn't a good learning tool. It doesn't portray normal healthy sex within a relationship, nor does it portray how women, or men for that matter, really respond sexually.

I find Doodle's statement that she is glad that he isn't having an affair, sad. She is not getting what she wants or needs. He is giving his time, energy and attention elsewhere. We have heard about the rare case of a woman who is overly fond of a vibrator but there really isn't anything analogous to porn use that women do which would give men the same feeling that women are being subjected to by men's porn use.

It comes down to why you think we are here. I believe we are here to learn, grow and develop and that largely takes place within interpersonal relationships. It fine and important to occasionally be introspective, to be comfortable with yourself, by yourself. But isolating and insulating yourself as anything other than a temporary healing, isn't going to promote positive, healthy growth. Too many people do isolate and insulate themselves with porn, videogames, TV, alcohol, drugs and other means. If this is the path you choose, you should not hold another in a relationship where they are committed to you because the reciprocosity isn't there. Neither can grow and evolve in a positive manner under these conditions.

I deff. understand where you're coming from about isolation and everything but I guess I need to stress the fact that he doesn't turn me down ALL the time due to this.. it's not like he is like well I'm gonna go get off to porn and forget about you. We are still intimate almost everyday, it's just on occasion he looks at this.. the times i've found it have been the times that we didn't spend together, when he was going to bed. Before when I brought this whole issue up to him (a year or so ago) he admitted to the fact that sometimes when he can't fall asleep it helps him..

Redbull, sorry to keep bringing you into this but I guess it made me feel a lot better hearing it from a guys point of view.. is this normal? The whole porn thing I guess makes me uncomfortable at times because if you knew my boyfriend, he's not the type of guy that goes out to the strip clubs with the guys.. or anything like that. So him watching porn is kinda like a shock to me.. or was. I'm getting better because me myself have masturbated to porn and I guess that's wrong to get upset when he does it..

[pretzel]

I guess there's a few questions and a few certain things that maybe need answered in regard to the OP.

You're full time student and currently not working.

He works 60 hrs a week as an EMT? That entails 5 12hr days (with being awake at least 14 hrs). Chances are it's 5 on 5 off so he has at least one weekend free a month.

I guess my question is, are you venting over the issue of him being tired on the days he's off and you're in the mood, or the days he has to work?

And, for arguments sake, on his work days, if he looks at porn, is it at you're expense or do you not stay at his house when he's on schedule?

[Hopeless Dork]

Redbull, sorry to keep bringing you into this but I guess it made me feel a lot better hearing it from a guys point of view.. is this normal? The whole porn thing I guess makes me uncomfortable at times because if you knew my boyfriend, he's not the type of guy that goes out to the strip clubs with the guys.. or anything like that. So him watching porn is kinda like a shock to me.. or was. I'm getting better because me myself have masturbated to porn and I guess that's wrong to get upset when he does it..

There are a lot of men that will say its normal, and some men that will say turning down sex for porn is very abnormal, some women prefer their man use porn and masturbate as they have no interest in having sex with their SO and hope for them to use their energy away from them.

Many guys who utilize porn will tell you whatever you want to hear that makes them feel better about having their cake and eating it too.

If you are looking to hear does he like porn more than you, he doesn't. If you are wanting to find out why your boyfriend would use it when he knows your going to be available for and want sex later... knowing he'll be too tired for you, thats an answer you'll only get from your specific guy as they all vary in what they use it for.

Variety, boredom, too lazy to engage YOU in sex, easy orgasm, not realizing that you might actually WANT their energy...

[doodle89]

I guess there's a few questions and a few certain things that maybe need answered in regard to the OP.

You're full time student and currently not working.

He works 60 hrs a week as an EMT? That entails 5 12hr days (with being awake at least 14 hrs). Chances are it's 5 on 5 off so he has at least one weekend free a month.

I guess my question is, are you venting over the issue of him being tired on the days he's off and you're in the mood, or the days he has to work?

And, for arguments sake, on his work days, if he looks at porn, is it at you're expense or do you not stay at his house when he's on schedule?

Yes he works as an EMT on two different companies.. 4 13 hour shifts and an 8.. one is an hour away so he has to wake up at the crack of dawn, so yes, that explains why he's always tired.

I guess I was venting about everything. I know, sorry I'm being annoying about this issue but it's just helping me get it out of my system I guess.

I stay at his house some nights when he gets out of work, so of course I should come to conclusion he just wants to get a good nights sleep before waking up to do it all over again. But, I dk if this is answering your question but the time that i've found the porn, he didn't work that day, but was the next morning? I was not with him that night. But it's not like he stays at home and is consumed by it.. it's just every now and then..

[Hopeless Dork]

I guess I was venting about everything. I know, sorry I'm being annoying about this issue but it's just helping me get it out of my system I guess.

This is a really safe place to vent how you feel about an issue, whether someone reads it or not, or can help you or not, sometimes saying what you want to say, getting things off your chest can help you come to an understanding about how you feel.

[pretzel]

Yes he works as an EMT on two different companies.. 4 13 hour shifts and an 8.. one is an hour away so he has to wake up at the crack of dawn, so yes, that explains why he's always tired.

I guess I was venting about everything. I know, sorry I'm being annoying about this issue but it's just helping me get it out of my system I guess.

I stay at his house some nights when he gets out of work, so of course I should come to conclusion he just wants to get a good nights sleep before waking up to do it all over again. But, I dk if this is answering your question but the time that i've found the porn, he didn't work that day, but was the next morning? I was not with him that night. But it's not like he stays at home and is consumed by it.. it's just every now and then..

It did and actually I think really puts the thread in the perspective I think it should have been in (no disrespect intended, just know people in these lines of public service) and it is sometimes frustrating and it is sometimes hard.

But in honesty, I wouldn't put alot into this. But I'm not there and really only have to go on what is written and if it's not an issue for you at this time (and I'm not saying that in the future it may become more an issue) then if anything, maybe make it part of your play when he's off.

[doodle89]

Yes it sure does. Thank you for all your support too. I mean I do have a close friend that would deff. listen to me, but it's not the same-I feel like I'd hold stuff for the sake of him and me. But just letting it out and getting different views on it really helps.

[stressed]

Okay, it seems as if you feel much better now and don't really need much advice, but I'm going to reply to you based on your initial post, for the sake of argument, and not based on your last few ones (if I may).

1) He works hard, many hours a day, so it seems normal to me that he's going to be too tired for sex. He may be able to masturbate more frequently, when you are not there, because it is physically less demanding to masturbate instead of have sex. You also don't live together, so it is hard to know how often he needs to masturbate or how much he enjoys porn (that's something you only find out once you live together, regardless of what he tells you or what you find on his computer).

2) He lied about it because he felt guilty, either because talking about masturbation makes him feel uncomfortable or because he knows he's turned down sex because he had masturbated a while before.

3) You also masturbate to porn, so it shouldn't bother you if he does the same. You don't live together, so it's expectable that you are both going to feel such a need at some point while you are apart.

However:

4) Lying about something you have seen with your own eyes is misleading. Explain calmly to him that you are not going to get mad, but you'd prefer him being honest instead of hiding. Tell him you also watch porn, so it's not a big deal (if it is not) and you expect him to be as honest as you are.

5) If he has masturbated when he knew you were going to come over and you'd want sex, but has been "too tired" for sex, then you have all reason to complain about it. It can happen once in a while, but do be careful so it won't become a habit.

6) Accepting porn just because "there is worse" shows fear. You're afraid of losing him so you let him do as he pleases, so that he won't find another girl who would be totally fine with porn. Don't accept it because you're afraid. Either accept it as something you both do because you don't spend enough time together, or talk about it if it bothers you.

[redbull]

Redbull, sorry to keep bringing you into this but I guess it made me feel a lot better hearing it from a guys point of view.. is this normal? The whole porn thing I guess makes me uncomfortable at times because if you knew my boyfriend, he's not the type of guy that goes out to the strip clubs with the guys.. or anything like that. So him watching porn is kinda like a shock to me.. or was. I'm getting better because me myself have masturbated to porn and I guess that's wrong to get upset when he does it..

I know I don't know your boyfriend as well as you do. But if he's a guy, I think I know him well enough. Is it normal for him to watch porn? Yes. That's the easy question. How you feel about it and what to do is the harder question. I don't have an answer for that. But if your only concern is whether it's normal, then I can assure you that it is. Why do you think football games have cheerleaders? Why are beer commercials more concerned with models than the actual product? There's no real difference between say Bud and Miller. So those commercials are more centered around catering to a male fantasy in order to distinguish their product. I know it seems like it could never be your boyfriend who watches porn. So when you find out he does it seems like a shock. But a higher percentage of guys watch porn then don't. Porn is a more than 10 billion dollar a year industry.
That money isn't coming from sleezy movie theaters and sex shops. It's coming from regular people paying for it over the internet in the comfort of their own home. On top of that, just think of how many people don't pay for porn. I don't. Most people don't. It's free everywhere. Paying for it is ridiculous.

This reminds me of a study where 60% of all drivers claimed that they thought they were in the top 10% percent of the best drivers on the road. Now maybe, somehow, that was true for all the participants of the study. But what are the chances of that?

Most likely they were just of the "it can't happen to me" mindset. I know he never told you. I know he doesn't seem like some kind of sex pervert, because he isn't. He just watches porn.

Like I said, it's not about replacing you. It's about adding to the sexual experience he already gets from you. For some reason, I get the feeling this isn't such an issue with gay guys.

[redbull]

Many guys who utilize porn will tell you whatever you want to hear that makes them feel better about having their cake and eating it too.

It IS normal. I'll cede the point that porn can wreck relationships. I don't think it does most of the time, but still. Can you cede that it doesn't always?