[CHANDLERS WISH]

"Leave my bits alone" heard that many a time

That to me, suggests she views it as "sex"... the moment you stroke her hair she knows what's coming, "her body".

What about reverse physcology?

Kissing seems to be one of the most intimate things that allows a "person" to feel...

What if you were do kiss her, then smile and say love you, roll over and go to sleep, or even better put your arm around her spooning (trying not to get an erection) lol's. For like 6 days in a row... Would she not then wonder? What? As well as feel that intimacy, a few feelings going down to her "bits", and herself feel rejected? Confused?

CW

[AnnaC]

Thanks all for the replies so far!

Just to add that we've been together 14 years and have two children aged 11 and 12. There was once a time when she would snuggle up to me in bed and say "put your book down" and we'd make love. Now the four words she utters are "leave my bits alone" lol.

I try best I can to judge her mood so as not to create a bad situation and I would say we make love once a week, normally on a Saturday morning and I may try and make a pass at her perhaps once a week too. This is only when I know she's in a good and a not so tired state but after 5-10 minutes of snuggling up to her and stroking her hair and back I would perhaps then move further down and that's when the infamous "leave my bits alone" puts a stop to everything.

I have in the past spurned her actions but that too caused an issue as she thought I'd gone off her. It gets to the point that when we go to bed, I wont do anything for the fear of getting rejected, then after a few days / weeks she will mention that I've not been anywhere near her for ages! So I'm ed if I do and ed if I don't lol... I can take one rejection OK... but anymore than that in the same week and it starts to hurt like mad!

PacE,
Has she every really "gotten into" sex with you? I mean I understand you have children together, been with her for years and intimacy is great, but then there's the "rockin' hot sex" that we all live for. I am a woman, 49 and ten years into my third marriage. Why didn't the other two last??? One was nice and didn't like sex, one was a jerk and did like sex. Unfortunately neither one really cared if I enjoyed it! My husband now is a great lover, he makes sure I get mine several times before I drag him over the cliff. I think women that don't like sex are either with a man that doesn't enjoy pleasing them or the woman has hang ups. I have experience a much higher sex drive in the past 6 months, my poor husband is tapped out most of the time and I have been rejected with "oh no not again"! LOL Its very difficult not feeling hurt, but I know he loves me and so I'm patient. Have you tried discussing her sexual satisfaction with her? Maybe she wants something she's not getting... I could be wrong but I'm curious.

[Guest]

sandman. I wasn't talking about spite. You can show her how it feels without being spiteful. It's in the tactics you use. Unfortuantely if you don't do something like this she will blissfully go along like she has been forever and will never understand sexual rejection.

[sandman24]

men not knowing how to/caring if they satisfy their woman

PacE,
Has she every really "gotten into" sex with you? I mean I understand you have children together, been with her for years and intimacy is great, but then there's the "rockin' hot sex" that we all live for. I am a woman, 49 and ten years into my third marriage. Why didn't the other two last??? One was nice and didn't like sex, one was a jerk and did like sex. Unfortunately neither one really cared if I enjoyed it! My husband now is a great lover, he makes sure I get mine several times before I drag him over the cliff. I think women that don't like sex are either with a man that doesn't enjoy pleasing them or the woman has hang ups. I have experience a much higher sex drive in the past 6 months, my poor husband is tapped out most of the time and I have been rejected with "oh no not again"! LOL Its very difficult not feeling hurt, but I know he loves me and so I'm patient. Have you tried discussing her sexual satisfaction with her? Maybe she wants something she's not getting... I could be wrong but I'm curious.

Anna c,

I agree W/ u that one of the main reasons women don't like sex is they've had bad experiences W/ guys who either didn't know how or didn't care to make sure they satisfied them. When u said it could also be b'c "the woman has hang ups", were u thinking of any particular hang ups? I think my g/f who I love very much is recovering from a series of relationships in which she developed a jaded view of sex & men in general.

After losing her father during her sophomore year, she was going to the bars every night & got involved W/ a guy for 2 yrs. Off and on, who cheated on her W/ her sorority sisters, used her dad's death to manipulate her, lied to her constantly, was extremely controlling & would thrash any guy that talked to her even after she had broken up w: him for getting abusive w: her!!!

I can't even fathom treating the woman I supposedly love like that & would definitely never lay a hand on her. when she would tell me about some of the stuff he did I made her mad for saying she was stupid for allowing it & not telling her 3 bros or dad who was the sheriff. She said "u don't understand, he won't let me break up w: him and all the guys where afraid to ask her out cuz he'd show up & beat the out of em.

I'm not trying to sound like Mr. Tough guy cuz I truly hate fighting, but I was livid & said "look, ur W/ me now & don't have to fear anyone". She kept explaining how big, strong, & crazy he was & how she didn't wanna take me to where she went to school to meet her friends, or to Carolina cup, or anywhere he might b cuz she didn't want me to get hurt.

When I first met her b4 we were officially together, he would txt her randomly(she said she never responded) & one night when I first stayed w/ her he showed up. b'c I didn't know her that well & it wasn't my business, I listened to her when she said she'd handle it...her idea of handling it was ignoring him, so we spent the rest of that night locked up in her room until he finally quit knocking...I was furious b'c she begged me to do nothing. I told her that if he ever put me in a position where I can't walk away & b left alone he'd have to prove to me he could do it cuz I won't live in fear".

Another guy she talked to was a male model who supposedly owned his own business and thought he was hot stuff. He treated her like a booty call, & ended up stealing her credit card & running up $4000 b4 she noticed.

I'm rambling now, but I guess what i'm getting at is that all of the guys she's been w/ have treated her like a sex toy, wanting her to do all the work & satisfy them rather than using sex as an intimate & powerful means of communication that is pleasurable. She has gotten used to having to please herself using a toy while either riding them, or getting slammed from behind.

While I enjoy this occasionally, I have conditioned myself to not be selfish & get mine as fast as I can, but instead take my time pleasing her & then let loose. after she comes I can feel her trying very hard to make me cum, & she takes it personal when I don't come right away, saying "I've always been able to make my man cum fast" or "I must not be satisfying u". This causes me to feel pressure to hurry up b4 she gets upset, and just like the hiccups, its tough to do on command. Do u think she'll ever enjoy good loving, sex or is she always gonna want me to b more like the sport sex she's used to?

Sorry so long,

Sandman24

[PacE]

Hi All,
Thanks for all the replies, looks like I've started a good debate lol.

Just to try and cover a few questions...

I'm 39 and she's 33 and our two children are 11 and 12.

Asking for alternative relief isn't an option, she complains of hand / jaw ache lol, besides if she isn't in the mood for penetrative sex then this is definitely a no-go.

I can' t try and please her because she will stop me straight away = leave my bits alone

You can bet no sooner as I start to kiss or cuddle into her, she's falling asleep.

Sex when we first got together (14 years ago) was pretty much every night and very often initiated by her. It was about 6-7 years ago when rejection first started to happen and it has got progressively worse over the last 2-3 years.

I may sound hard done too or completely starved but when she is in the mood, its very good and very often... but the barren spells are difficult. I guess in the perfect world I'd be looking for a more consistent sex life rather than all vs. nothing.

[AnnaC]

Anna c,

I agree W/ u that one of the main reasons women don't like sex is they've had bad experiences W/ guys who either didn't know how or didn't care to make sure they satisfied them. When u said it could also be b'c "the woman has hang ups", were u thinking of any particular hang ups? I think my g/f who I love very much is recovering from a series of relationships in which she developed a jaded view of sex & men in general.

After losing her father during her sophomore year, she was going to the bars every night & got involved W/ a guy for 2 yrs. Off and on, who cheated on her W/ her sorority sisters, used her dad's death to manipulate her, lied to her constantly, was extremely controlling & would thrash any guy that talked to her even after she had broken up w: him for getting abusive w: her!!!

I can't even fathom treating the woman I supposedly love like that & would definitely never lay a hand on her. when she would tell me about some of the stuff he did I made her mad for saying she was stupid for allowing it & not telling her 3 bros or dad who was the sheriff. She said "u don't understand, he won't let me break up w: him and all the guys where afraid to ask her out cuz he'd show up & beat the out of em.

I'm not trying to sound like Mr. Tough guy cuz I truly hate fighting, but I was livid & said "look, ur W/ me now & don't have to fear anyone". She kept explaining how big, strong, & crazy he was & how she didn't wanna take me to where she went to school to meet her friends, or to Carolina cup, or anywhere he might b cuz she didn't want me to get hurt.

When I first met her b4 we were officially together, he would txt her randomly(she said she never responded) & one night when I first stayed w/ her he showed up. b'c I didn't know her that well & it wasn't my business, I listened to her when she said she'd handle it...her idea of handling it was ignoring him, so we spent the rest of that night locked up in her room until he finally quit knocking...I was furious b'c she begged me to do nothing. I told her that if he ever put me in a position where I can't walk away & b left alone he'd have to prove to me he could do it cuz I won't live in fear".

Another guy she talked to was a male model who supposedly owned his own business and thought he was hot stuff. He treated her like a booty call, & ended up stealing her credit card & running up $4000 b4 she noticed.

I'm rambling now, but I guess what i'm getting at is that all of the guys she's been w/ have treated her like a sex toy, wanting her to do all the work & satisfy them rather than using sex as an intimate & powerful means of communication that is pleasurable. She has gotten used to having to please herself using a toy while either riding them, or getting slammed from behind.

While I enjoy this occasionally, I have conditioned myself to not be selfish & get mine as fast as I can, but instead take my time pleasing her & then let loose. after she comes I can feel her trying very hard to make me cum, & she takes it personal when I don't come right away, saying "I've always been able to make my man cum fast" or "I must not be satisfying u". This causes me to feel pressure to hurry up b4 she gets upset, and just like the hiccups, its tough to do on command. Do u think she'll ever enjoy good loving, sex or is she always gonna want me to b more like the sport sex she's used to?

Sorry so long,

Sandman24

Wow! She's sounds like she's entitled to some hangups. It's hard to undo the hurt caused by someone else, but I would keep trying. We all need to be loved for who we are inside, sometimes the problem is that who we are changes, we're always evolving. You sound like a loving, gentle man. Our side of the sexual coin involves many different things, one of which is that when we have sex with a man that doesn't really love us or care about us, when we feel used it's like someone takes a piece of your soul that you can never really get back. At least that's how it felt to me and most of us have been there. I have been able to get past my own issues (Daddy and bad marriages), because I'm with someone that loves me on the inside and makes me feel desirable, for my mind, my heart and my body. Over time in a healthy relationship I think all things can be conquered, but part of the solution is being able to talk about your needs and feelings. Maybe she has measured herself by the wrong things at times, like "being able to make my man cum fast". Maybe you could express to her that since men have more difficulty achieving multiple orgasms than women you'd like to make it last longer. If she can relax and not feel like she has to make it happen then she can begin to feel more and maybe even experiment a little. It could take some of the pressure off of both of you, which definitely makes for better sex.

I think of my husband more as my mate, we are mated for life, there can be no one else for either of us, we would fight for each other, die for each other and the the more primal parameters that evokes in our relationship are very satisfying. Now I'm rambling...LOL

I hope this helps.

[Sassysister]

My SO is the one who initiates most of the time but unless I am feeling sick I rarely ever say no. 99% of the time as soon as we start I get right into it. When I initiate and he turns me down, my feelings are certainly hurt but I try to not let it last.