[EdenRain]

O.K. so I'm 20 years old and all the girls my age that I know have no problems in bed. I have never enjoyed sex. I want to, but I don't get turned on, and I hardly orgasm if I do happen to get turned on. and then I don't stay wet very long. I love my boyfriend of 2 years and it is frustrating for he and I that i don't enjoy myself in bed. Has any one experienced this or can you help me figure something out?

[WildChild]

I take it you are sexually active.
You have orgasmed.
Do you masterbate?
Can you orgasm masterbating?
Has your bf brought you to orgasm?
Have you orgasmed during intercourse?
Do you Ever feel horny?

Are you on BC or taking any meds? Those can have a huge negative impact on your desire and responsiveness.
The other factor would be emotional, recent studies of brain activity have found that many women's brains will clearly show arousal and orgasm while the woman states that she feels neither. This disconnection of mind and body is aparently a result of early conditioning to be a "good" girl and not touch one's self or be sexual. With all the messages of religion, society, the overt sexualization and objectification of women and women's sexuallity, while at the same time denigating women who have a healthy sexual appetite, it's small wonder so many women are torn regarding their sexuality.

Start with possible physical causes, look at anything you are taking and at your hormone and amino acid levels. See if the trouble lies there.

[EdenRain]

I take it you are sexually active.
You have orgasmed.
Do you masterbate?
Can you orgasm masterbating?
Has your bf brought you to orgasm?
Have you orgasmed during intercourse?
Do you Ever feel horny?

Are you on BC or taking any meds? ... "result of early conditioning to be a "good" girl and not touch one's self or be sexual."

i have masturbated yes and i can orgasm with that.
no he has never been able to bring me to orgasm, nor has past bfs.
i can only orgasm during intercourse if i am in control, i guess because i know what feels good. but then it is very easy t o lose it.
i very rarely feel horney and if i do i still may not orgasm.
i do not take bc because i am a high risk for cancer and i dont want other hormones in my body that may increase that risk.

now that part you say about early conditioning to be "good" is very true i was raised very strictly and i find i cannot clear my mind at time to just focus on the feelings and sensations going on during intercourse. i dont know where to go from there. i try to clear my mind and relax and just enjoy and those few times it works is when i can orgasm...

any ideas on how to get a better thought process going? maybe that will help....

also about childhood could sexual abuse be cause of scaring, and not being able to feel, for him to give me and orgasm? or would that also be a mental issue to get over?

[WildChild]

Check out the book, The Orgasm Loop, it's writen by a woman sex therapist and teaches a techinque you may find helpful.

[BasketCase]

also about childhood could sexual abuse be cause of scaring, and not being able to feel, for him to give me and orgasm? or would that also be a mental issue to get over?

Yes sexual abuse can affect you sex life as an adult. It causes emotional scars that affect the way you precive sex. If you have been abused you may want to seek counciling. You may even be able to find an organsation within your community that offers this service for free. I copied this off a website, not my words.

Sexually abused women can feel that all sex is bad, so we struggle with healthy, normal sexual relationships. Sometimes this can go as far as completely switching off our sexual feelings, even when we try to have a sexual relationship. We see the feelings of arousal as dangerous because, if we allow our natural feelings to develop, we will not be able to control them, inviting more abuse. Sexual abuse also creates confusion about touch because it is the wrong kind of touch. It creates a fear of physical contact, which is very destructive for human beings as we are naturally tactile. Touch is essential to our lives. It is the most common form of expressing how we feel about a wide range of emotions. We touch people to express care, sympathy, congratulations, joy, happiness, concern, and, of course, love. It is such an important part of the human condition that to be denied our need to touch or be touched is very harmful.

Sexual abuse takes away our ability to make choices, creating a deep sense of powerlessness, which drives us to avoid any situation which makes us feel so isolated and vulnerable. The most common way this manifests itself, in both men and women who have experienced sexual abuse, is to develop a strong need to always be in control, regardless of the context. Such behaviour can quickly become our 'default' mode, which leads to serious problems in the way we interact with other people. We are seen as pushy, demanding, and selfish, whereas all we are really trying to do is protect ourselves - but no one sees it like that.

Ambivalence is when you are introduced to two experiences at the same time that contradict each other. These are usually experiences that were never meant to be associated with each other. Sexual abuse predominantly occurs within established relationships, such as within a family. When it happens, we experience two contradictory feelings - love and fear, causing us to associate all love and affection with fear, making us grow into adults who are always suspicious of love and affection.

Children are not meant to experience sex. They are not ready or mature enough to understand sexual feelings - their brains simply cannot process the signals generated in their bodies by sexual stimulation, although their bodies are still able to physically feel that stimulation.

[WildChild]

I agree with much of what BasketCase says, but you can over come it and become a fully sexual woman, many of us have.

[EdenRain]

thanks guys. this really helps ^^. im just glad i found somewhere to go to talk about this. I've always thought i couldnt be helped. that im just stuck this way. thanks

[CHANDLERS WISH]

If your mind wonders and you can't focus, it's not going to happen...

You have to be "in" the moment.. Feel...

But to do that, you truly have to love the person you are with, and forget how you were bought up. There is no shame at all in being who you are and no shame in being intimate and sharing love.

Does your boyfriend make you feel beautiful? Loved? That all that you would be, do, is through love? Or does he put you down over what you "can't do" that he "wants" from you.

If it's the later, then you trying hard to please him, instead of being with someone who is "okay" with guiding you, helping you understand that it's okay.

Lastly, regarding abuse? That depends in my opinion on your character. As WC stated, alot have been through that, some keep it in their sub-conscious mind not knowing but it rears itself during sex. Some bring it forward into their minds and feel that sex is just a thing men want from a woman... How do you feel? Basketcase is outlining a few ways in which people think as well.

CW