[OnTheWay]

My girlfriend has previously had an abusive relationship. During that time her exboyfriend forced anal sex on her one time. I want to try anal sex with her but I am unsure how to approach it. I have talked to her about it a little but she gets upset. She does like when I touch or kiss her there. I can't help but feel like we are missing out on a part of intamacy because of her past. I can't imagine that when he did this to her that he used lube or cared if it really hurt her. I am really turned on by and have enjoyed anal sex in the past. I really love her and want to be considerate, but I don't know if I can go the rest of my life without it. I hear that some women really enjoy it, especially those who reach orgasm with deep penetration (like her). I have also heard that some even reach a higher level of orgasm. I just want to gather thoughts or opinions on the situation I guess.

[Ashlee T.]

She's obviously sensitive about it, and rightfully so. Though it does bring some women pleasure, for alot of women it's a pretty uncomfortable experience at best. Now take that uncomfortable experience and add that with force and inconsideration, and you've got yourself a very degrading and very painful experience.

I think if you truly love her, and have a healthy sex life with her then really this shouldn't preoccupy your thoughts or cause you a problem. She may never be ok with anal sex....but lots of women aren't. I went through that with a guy, I tried it and didn't enjoy it (later in life began enjoying it but not then), and he kept pushing for it even though he knew I didn't enjoy it, knew it was uncomfortable for me........so I told him that if I could lube up my 3" dildo and put it in his (and that was a DEAL considering he was close to 7"), then he could put his in mine. Point taken?

YOu wanting it, is not going to make her want it....and if she doesn't want it, then she'll never be able to let her body relax enough to enjoy it therefore she'll have painful experiences while you get your rocks off. Noooo fair. There are boundaries in all relationships....things we're willing to do, things we're not. Those are things we have to be able to discuss, and have to feel okay and safe about having. If a guy leaves me because I'm not into anal sex....then I hope the door hits him hard on the rear on his way out.

[Hopeless Dork]

You have to put yourself in her shoes. How could you even ask? If and when anal sex happens should be at her prompting after what she has disclosed to you. Do you have any idea what she's been through? You have so many other ways to enjoy sex with her, but think you can't live without that? I'm sure its only because you can't have it right now that you want it so badly. I mean its not as if she can't make your penis ejaculate and feel pleasure with her vagina, mouth, hands, toys and all of the above in multiple ways.

Maybe one day she will get curious and want to try again in a loving environment... but pushing for it in a situation where your sexual needs are being satisfied in every other way to me, is rather selfish... not really something you'd expect of someone you love, respect and care for.

I suggest you quit worrying about it so much, its occupying your mind it seems "can't go through life without it" Seriously? I understand its something you enjoyed in the past but if its a must have... you are better off being honest with her that your need for anal sex matters more than any hurt, pain, humiliation she experienced in the past and that if she can't get over it and do it... you don't know how you can endure your relationship.

Its better she know as soon as possible the thought process of the man she loves.

For me I never was interested in anal and my boyfriend NEVER brought it up... but i prompted him on it because I was curious... he makes me feel so safe and respected and loved that there is nothing I'd deny him sexually. I know without a doubt if I told him something made me sad, uncomfortable, hurt... he wouldn't even want it... the thought of doing anything that made my body feel bad would not appeal to him. I guess I am just lucky.

[rcoreyus]

If she was abused, it is possible she will never want this. I understand how you can get obsessed about the idea of trying a particular thing, but in this case you aren't really missing all that much. Anal feels very different for the woman, but it isn't all that different for a man. Honestly not something to get all that excited about. But - if this really is important to you (and only you can judge that), you of course have the right to leave the relationship. If you do though you are in a tough spot - you don't want to put her in a position of "have anal sex with me or I will leave".

How adventurous are you in other ways in the bedroom? Would she be up for doing anal on you with a dildo (to be fair you should pick one that is your size). You might enjoy it, and she might discover that it is possible for people to like this.

[Sailor_67]

catch 22

I sympathize with you and her...
Her obviously because she was abused and may struggle to enjoy the act.
You, because I am also a big fan of anal sex and would hate to do without it (possibly for a lifetime!)
I wonder how many women would cope if the sex or intimacy act they enjoyed most was banned for life.
No more going down on you... ever, that's that experience over in your lifetime.
Maybe, if you really love each other, you can cope with the idea, but then maybe she can try too.
If she tries and she just can't, or hates it, then it's going to be a turn off for you anyway.
No one (except maybe her last b/f) is going to enjoy making her do something she hates.
It would be very unfortunate, but you may have irreconcilable differences.
If so, there are plenty of men who aren't into anal and plenty of women who are.

[cuff]

You have to put yourself in her shoes. How could you even ask? If and when anal sex happens should be at her prompting after what she has disclosed to you. Do you have any idea what she's been through?

I agree. If it's something that was a negative experience for her, she should be the one that approaches you. You're not in a normal situation where it's a curiosity for either of you. So you can't approach it in a normal way. Be understanding and not selfish.