[kelli1090]

I dont know where else to go, but please please can you guys shed some light here??

My boyfriend is in the Navy and we've been dating for almost 5 months. The first time we were "making out" he couldnt get hard. And i started getting very self conscious especially since it was the first time we were making out. so i asked him because i started to get scared/worried/self conscious... and he said that its because he just "gets nervous." and i left it at that and we just cuddled. ..that was 5 months ago... we had a few more occurences with that sort of thing happening and after a few more weeks i found out he does get nervous about not being able to get it up i guess... and he constantly brings up "our old problem" and then, he started "getting it up" but after he would get hard he WOULDNT ejaculate or finish. so that made me self conscious too. then the last time we had sex, he asked me if *I* had finished... and STUPIDLY said, "No, but I was close."

Then right before he shipped out to sea, I wanted to have sex and he just was "too tired" but i got him going (so he says) and then we tried to get things to escalate, but he wasnt getting hard... and finally he said "i dont think its gonna happen tonight, i'm sorry babe" and then he just spent the rest of the time helping me out with what i wanted him to do for me. which was nice... but i just dont understand.... does he wanna break up with me? does he not find me pretty?? IS HE GAY!? I love him and i dont know if he doesnt love me or if i SMELL haha or if i am just ugly now... or maybe he just likes men, which is fine, but hes my boyfriend I want him to like me! haha

please please help me!!!!

it may sound confusing (ha i'm a little worried here) but the gist is

he had trouble getting an erection because he was nervous, and now IF he gets an erection, he lasts FOREVER and does NOT ejaculate. ughhhhh

[cinnamonheart88]

hmmm.. could be nerves but it seems like this has been going on a little too long for that to be an excuse.... Has he ever done/said anything to make you think he's gay? That would be a really awkward thing to try to bring up with him but maybe you guys should just sit down and seriously talk about it.. its an uncomfortable talk but this seems like its been going on long enough. Be very gentle and non accusatory about it but maybe just ask him honestly what is going on. have you guys ever been able to have sex and finish? maybe his job is really stressful and makes it hard for him to relax.... you do need to have an honest talk about your relationship and try to get him to figure out how he really feels.... this may be weird but if you can find a way to show him male on male porn and see if he gets an erections thats a pretty good indicator :s

[kelli1090]

thank you so much for your response!
i have definitely put some thought into him possibly being gay, but i was fairly quickly able to put that idea to rest. i mean, i guess there is obviously a chance for that to be the case, but i remember actually laughing out loud to myself thinking, "imagine if i ever said i was too tired for sex, or couldnt have an orgasm, he thought i was a lesbian"

[jns]

If he was gay, why would he spend his time having sex with a woman? Also, I think he likes you and everything about you just fine. Has he had sex with a lot of girls before? If not, he may not know how to let himself go and be taken over by the sensations of sex. He probably doesn't want to get embarrassed again which is why he turned you down.

I had a similar issue with the second girl I ever had sex with. The issue was that I found her to be so cute that I was trying too hard and was not focusing on building the sensation until I went over the brink. I was intimidated. Each subsequent time the fear of not being able to complete a climax coupled with the fact that I found her still so cute, blocked me from orgasming. Doctors said it was psychological. Finally, I moved on to another girl, a girlfriend who I had no problem orgasming with. After being with that girlfriend some time and at a time when we split up, I hooked up with the previous girl and to her surprise and her and my satisfaction I was able to orgasm with her.

Reduce his intimidation by spending more time with hugging, kissing and other foreplay activity. Maybe distracting him by french kissing while you and he are having sex. Be more leisurely about the whole build-up to sex.

[Hopeless Dork]

It is very likely nerves... but is their a possibility it may have something to do with frequent masturbation and/or masturbating too close to when you guys are going to be intimate? A lot of guys that masturbate before a sexual encounter (same day) have trouble with arrousal and climax with their partners... one because they have already released, two because of being used to a very specific type of stimulation.

A lot of guys NEVER make the correlation between their masturbation prior to sex and why they are having issues in their sexual relationship with their partner. They see it as 2 different things and don't get it that if they masturbated in the afternoon and see their s.o. a few hours later... he may have a more difficult time rising to the occasion.

Sure some guys can masturbate 3 times a day and still have sex... but most, can't. So maybe opening up the communication on masturbation and seeing if he can hold off on it for a couple days before your next date.. and see if he isn't chomping at the bit to get in your pants out of physical necessity .

Likely his problem has created an anxiety, and then everytime he worries its not going to happen... the worry takes front and center over the pleasurable sensations making it difficult for him to relax enough to enjoy it.

But he sounds like a young healthy guy... and if he didn't masturbate, or at least didn't masturbate on the day before or day he see's you... you'll probably both be pleasantly surprised with how much better everything is.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

He's young, in the Navy and has a woman, a girlfriend....

Do you know much of his past before you?

If he was single for along time, maybe he took care of himself.. And, in that, he can't visualise yet, something he got used to and so, has a hard time ejaculating without himself, finishing himself off or you offering and allowing him to take over towards the end....

There is nothing wrong with you or else he wouldn't be with you 5 months later. It could have to do with all the lonliness of having to tend to himself, alot

CW

[cuff]

It just sounds like he's thinking about it too much. If he's putting pressure on himself, it's all mental. I doubt it has anything to do with you personally. Next time you two are together, don't bring it up and don't put pressure on either one of you with sex. Leave it alone for a while. Stop thinking you're doing something wrong, and don't think anything is wrong with him. Just go with it and see what happens.

[LilahX]

Unfortunately performance anxiety is a self-fulfilling prophecy. Once a guy starts worrying about it, it happens (what the mind envisions, happens). Something like this may need professional help for guidance as to how to approach the problem. It'sunderstandable that he would rather avoid a situation where he may fail rather than actually failing.

As for him not climaxing when he does get hard, is that such an issue? It's still pleasurable for him even tho he may not get the end result. In some ways it's a lot better than 'getting there' too soon.

Good luck.

[sandman24]

insecurity breeds insecurity

Kelli,

I know what ur going through & how frustrating it is to feel like ur not satisfying ur S/O. The good news is that the problem is, in my opinion, mental/insecurity based & can b fixed by improving ur communication w/ ur guy. The following quotes are the basis for my theory:

1) " we've been dating for almost 5 months. The first time we were "making out" he couldnt get hard. And i started getting very self conscious"

***the 1st time w: someone some guys are too self-conscious about what the girl thinks of their member to enjoy the experience...if this happened to him the 1st time he was w: u i'm sure he was mortified & its a wonder his pride let the relationship continue; I doubt mine would've. U have to convince him that u don't think less of him or he'll never get over it.***

2) " we had a few more occurences with that sort of thing happening and after a few more weeks i found out he does get nervous about not being able to get it up i guess... and he constantly brings up "our old problem" and then, he started "getting it up" but after he would get hard he WOULDNT ejaculate or finish. so that made me self conscious too. "

***the fact that he "constantly brings it up" shows u how insecure he is feeling, & it sounds like he's tried talking w: u about it. the "old problem" never got resolved & is now full blown performance anxiety. he can feel that its bothering u that he doesn't cum as quick as u think he ought to, & feels pressure to cum to make u happy which takes his mind off of what he's doing making it even more difficult . Picture urself w: the hiccups; if someone tells u to "hiccup right now" the same principle applies & often cures them because its hard to control something that is involuntary, like an orgasm.***

3)Then right before he shipped out to sea, I wanted to have sex and he just was "too tired" but i got him going (so he says) and then we tried to get things to escalate, but he wasnt getting hard... and finally he said "i dont think its gonna happen tonight, i'm sorry babe" and then he just spent the rest of the time helping me out with what i wanted him to do for me.

***again, he knew u were horny & expected him to rock ur world b4 he left...the fear of failing caused him to use "being too tired" as an excuse"...I have only been too tired a couple of times in my life, & that was when I'd already had some recently & knew I could get it tomorrow...I'd have to literally b dying if I knew I wouldn't have another chance for a long time***

4) but i just dont understand.... does he wanna break up with me? does he not find me pretty?? IS HE GAY!? I love him and i dont know if he doesnt love me or if i SMELL haha or if i am just ugly now... or maybe he just likes men, which is fine, but hes my boyfriend I want him to like me! haha

***this line could b adding to the problem. if ur honestly questioning his sexuality, then his fears that u think he's less of a man b'c he let u down are justified. U also said it would be fine of he was gay, which indicates ur not crazy about him. If I thought my girl had a doubt in her mind that I might be into dudes there is no way I could b w; her.***

Insecurity breeds more insecurity. If this guy is someone u want to b with then you have to help him overcome his insecurities rather than adopting them. Don't internalize his insecurities by trying to make them about you. You have to show some empathy...try to imagine an insecurity u have & how u would like someone help u overcome it & then apply that to helping him deal w: his.

Good Luck,

Sandman