[Hopeless Dork]

Writing is a great idea, emailing , text or letter. I've never been to shy to physically demonstrate what I want from my guy, but verbalizing at first was very hard for me... I'd get so nervous. But I found that I could express myself writing much much easier. The kicker is once I was able to open up with written words...eventually that lead to me being able to express my desires verbally a lot more comfortably and now its second nature to me.

If she didn't have a bad sexual experience with the act itself and only that she associates it with her ex... I'd be leaning more to guess that this is something she just doesn't feel comfortable with and is using that as an excuse. It really doesn't matter though because the heart of the issue is she just doesn't want to do this.

I'm sure she had sex with her ex, but still can do that with you, kisses, meals etc.. her picking that one specific act and saying its no longer appropriate because she did it with an ex... is likely just a coppout of something she isn't interested in doing.

Now, to the root of why she isn't interested... you mention it appearing that she felt dirty after you masturbated for her. It seems she might have some issues surrounding guilt and certain sexual acts, particularly masturbation. A LOT of women have this issue. It wasn't til I came to this board that I realized just how many women never explored their own bodies, never orgasmed on their own... and were astounded to discover they had difficulty enjoying sex with their partner.

If you don't know your own body and how to please it, you really are not making it very easy for your partner to know it etiher.

Are you fairly sure she is achieving orgasms during your sexual activity together? Sometimes pleasure can really open one up to more pleasure seeking. Back when I was with guys that didn't make me feel good... I never had curiousity for other unusual things. But once I experienced that kind of excitement with my boyfriend its like the sexual universe opened up and I wanted to see and touch everything it held.

Perhaps spending some time focusing on getting her in the mood, her body, her pleasure... will lead to her reciprocating down the road. Again, I am not suggesting that is soemthing you aren't currently doing... just tossing ideas to the wind!

[bubbles]

I am shy, I would be shy to do that even with my husband.
I think it is a self perception thing. What I look like, smell like, is it attractive?
I worry about looking stupid, ive been asked to dance for someone, a few times, in different relationships, i just blush and say "you first!". Or any kid of thing that puts me centre of attention, you know?
I know its me.... my problem.

[Roland1919]

I think you are correct that the root of the issue is that she doesn't want to and it embarasses her. As far as her orgasms, that is one thing I am certain about. I have always been very attentive in that area and I put a lot of effort into making sure she climaxes. I think that is where a lot of my frustration lies is this is one thing she just shuts down about. That and discussing fantasies both make her act very embarassed which puts me back and the trial and error method of figuring out what she likes and dislikes.

Lateley I have been spending a lot of time making sure that I am giving her everything she needs outside of the bedroom. I know she is very happy with where our relationship is because of these efforts (she has been emphatic about telling me so), but the other night I tried to gently guide her hand there and got the same pull back and afterwards she just wanted to blow it off and not talk about it. Unfortunately, this is starting to bother me more as time goes by. I feel as though she will never open up to me completely sexually and it makes me feel like she doesn't trust me. It also continues to nag at me that she was willing to do it with someone else and won't even discuss it with me.

I guess maybe I just need to sit back and wait and hope that her feelings change. I don't want to push this and I really don't want her to do it if it makes her uncomfortable, but I just wish it didn't make her uncomfortable.

[Roland1919]

Thanks for your feedback Bubbles. I am glad to know there are other women that feel embarassed about this and it is not just her.

[WildChild]

We all get very mixed messages about sex and sexuality, especially towards women. One one hand we are supposed to be "good", well behaved, virtuous women, who guard our sexuality and reputations scrupulously on the other hand we are supposed to be alluring, sexy, open, exploring, vixens who can drive a man right over the top sexually, without him doing anything to deserve it or to arouse us.

We can't do it.

We can't be both and be sane and rational people. No matter what we do, which path we take, there will be someone or some group judging us, finding fault and condeming us to the fire or calling us frigid or something for it. We open up a bit, we start to trust, we get hammered and have it thrown back at us - often for both being too much and not enough and so we close that door.

You may feel that you are her loving husband and that she should trust you, but you aren't accepting her limits - the one thing you really want is the thing she isn't ready or willing to give. I don't think this is really about her masterbating for you, it's about you wanting a deeper intimacy and this is your particular perception of it. Is watching porn with a woman masterbating fulfilling for you? My bet is that it is titillating but not enough because you need it from your wife. I'll also take a guess that whatever she did with this other guy wasn't as wild or open as you imagine it to have been.

If you'd like to start building a higher level of intimacy there are some wonderful books that can help guide you in this. Check out One Hour Orgasm and The Art of Sexual Ecstacy. I think you'll find some good ideas to start creating a deeper connection and trust. You just may find that your obssession with her touching herself will lessen as other forms of intimacy increase and that as it does she will naturally start to feel more comfortable and open with you. Anytime we push someone to change we create resistance, you can't get her to do this, she has to come to it herself and the bigger deal you make of it, the less likely it is that she will do it. Back up and start exploring some other routes.

[Roland1919]

I know you are right Wildchild. I have been doing just that for almost 10 years and unfortunately the issue seems to have really attached itself to my heart. I have said those same things to myself one minute and find myself feeling hurt about it the next time I think about it. I realize this is mostly my issue, but it is just one of those thoughts that I just can't seem to turn off and I am afraid to mention it because I am almost sure it will annoy her and we are in such a good place right now. Do I just bury it deep and try to forget it forever? I have tried and just don't seem to have a big enough shovel for this.

[WildChild]

Start exploring other routes to deeper intimacy, as you do this just may resolve itself.

[Allie602]

Roland I almost can't believe what I am reading!! Put some thought into where you are now. You have a wife with whom you have a great sex life after 10 yrs. Do you love her? What special things does she do to make you feel loved? Do you have children? Is she a good Mom? How about your home family job? Ten years and sex is still good, you are both doing something right. You are fortunate to have a wife who wants to stay sexually connected with her husband.

So, lets see if I have this right - the woman you love has had a painful experience in her past, a wound so to speak. Seems to me that a loving spouse would comfort and sooth his wife and help her get through the experience and put it behind her. If I had an experience like that, avoid picking at the wound and negating the effect that it has had on her life. You express quite dramatically to have her do this is "your biggest turn on" and yet it is the seat of great pain for your the woman you love. I am certain knowing that she would this act brings her pain as she has told you you could not possibly enjoy your self coercing her to do it could you?

Here are some things for your consideration sex in a loving relationship is about mutual satisfaction; which is more important - your craving to see your wife perform or her well being. Put another way, do you love her enough to forgo your pleasure so that she does not feel pressured to relive a traumatic experience. When you think about it, you could not possibly derive any sexual pleasure out of watching her, knowing that it reminds her of a traumatic event.

With so much going for you and your loving wife of 10 years, why would you want to destroy it by insisting upon opening and reopening a wound that your wife suffered? I don't know her, never saw her, but I feel like I want to hug and comfort her, since she does not have anyone to do that for her.

I don't know if this is true in your marriage but I would certainly think about it - when one partner pressures another to do a sexual thing that is for their pleasure only with out consideration of mutual pleasure, the person pressured may gives in to please (its usually by the woman who gives in to some driving fantasy for her husband) but will be filled with resentment. Resentment may kill a woman's sex drive. After all, what is in it for her, pain, you want to make your sexual activities good for her too don't you? I am certain if the tables were turned.... well I leave up to you to put yourself in your wife's place.

You have a good thing going for you - don't mess it up. Don't take your wife for granted, think about her feelings and not just the sexual pleasure she can bring you. I think you need to step back and let your wife know how much you appreciate and love her. She may not be too sure. I hope you will consider this in the sprit that it was written, an attempt to help you see what you do have - not what you don't.

I have been married to my wife for almost 10 years now. We have a great sex life and I love her very much. However, in the time we have known each other I have tried to get her to touch herself for me on a number of occasions and she won't do it. Apparently it goes back to a guy she dated. They did this and he really screwed her over in the end. She says it brings back bad memories. My issue is that this happens to be by far my biggest turn on and the more time goes by the more I feel cheated. It hurts that she was willing to do it with some short term boyfriend but won't with her husband and it hurts that I will spend my entire life not getting to act out my most dominant sexual fantasy because of some jerk she dated years ago.

[Allie602]

Another thing, can you see that everything you are doing makes her trust you less not more? She has told you she does not want to do this thing but you insist on having her participate in an obsession of yours. She is not likely to trust to know her fantasies, she probably feels better to keep it to herself than to reveal them to a man with apparently so little regard for her level of comfort, her feelings and her past traumatic experiences. She does not feel safe. You need to back way off and work on building trust and letting her know you care about HER so you never hear this common refrain when one partner does not feel loved for herself "all you want is sex". Don't do things for her just to get her to do what you want sexually, do it because you love and appreciate her. Be careful how you go now. Good luck.

[Faerunner]

I rarely touch myself for my husband either. I don't know why; it might be my upbringing (I shared a room most of my life at home with one of my sisters and even when I had my own room I couldn't lock the door; I am sure that some of my love of masturbating in situations where I 'could' get caught (but probably won't) is from that time period). I also don't have great self-esteem; I was bullied in school and while my husband is usually pretty supportive he does crack a lot of jokes. I think I'm afraid that he'll say something offhandedly and not realize what it meant to me, even though it hasn't happened yet. I'm not sure I'll ever open myself up completely, because of what I went through in high school, and even though I know that's rough for someone else to understand and it wasn't even sexually-related bullying, it's not something that's easy to get over.

Either way, although I love some exhibitionist acts like playing dress-up and letting him take my picture, I will usually bring him into it rather than masturbate to orgasm alone. I would rather masturbate by myself than with him watching, because I enjoy the freedom to explore any way I feel comfortable at that particular time without worrying about how silly I look. Sex can be embarrassing but at least if we're doing it together I don't feel like I'm on stage by myself. If it were me I'd be fine with doing something like the blanket... maintaining that aura of secrecy and security would be an important step toward openness in the future, I think. But clearly, your wife needs a bit of time and you'll have to be very patient!