[Roland1919]

I have been married to my wife for almost 10 years now. We have a great sex life and I love her very much. However, in the time we have known each other I have tried to get her to touch herself for me on a number of occasions and she won't do it. Apparently it goes back to a guy she dated. They did this and he really screwed her over in the end. She says it brings back bad memories. My issue is that this happens to be by far my biggest turn on and the more time goes by the more I feel cheated. It hurts that she was willing to do it with some short term boyfriend but won't with her husband and it hurts that I will spend my entire life not getting to act out my most dominant sexual fantasy because of some jerk she dated years ago.

Am I an to feel this way?
Are most women embarresed to do this? My experience prior to my wife was that most were not if you were in a solid relationship.
How many women here would also refuse this to their husband?

[Roland1919]

I oopsed and put a no no word in. The first question should be - Am I a jerk to feel this way?

[Hopeless Dork]

I am sorry for your situation. I think this is a common mistake people make in relationships. It's a case of too much information. If you want to deny your loved one something... never make it because of something someone ELSE did... as it evokes nothing but resentment and feelings of why them and not me?

Like the guys that say, sorry... I have trouble giving my heart because the last girl stomped on it. Its pretty much the same thing. Its hurtful to know that an ex has so much of an impact.. that the one you love is letting it affect how they handle decisions they make with you.

It could be she had a bad experience with an ex, it could be a coppout for something she just genuinly does not want to do. It could be that she is just embarassed of masturbation in general and has problems with doing it alone even. It could very well be that an ex made her feel ashamed about something she did, maybe made fun of her... or expressed disninterest in what she did and so she has a hang up about it.

I'm guessing that this fantasy is more pronounced since its being denied. Sometimes its easier to focus on what a lover WON'T do... than what they will.. even if the will list outweighs the won't list tremendously. Not to mention being equipt with the knowledge that she has let her gaurd down and done this before... it would be hard to not feel resentful of that.

If you keep pushing for it vocally... she will keep pushing away from it as a matter of principle... "I said no, and you won't leave me alone about it, fine I'll never do it now" type tug of war that will benefit neither of you.

While being intimate in a non sexual way with her, like holding each other after sex... etc.. open up a communication about it casually. See if she will be open to talking about what the bad experience was, what happened that made her feel bad... to be able to see if there are things you can calm her fears about. Then let it go and don't push the issue for a while.

If you bring it up constantly it will just be an annoyance and she will feel badgered and that does not make someone feel sexual and adventerous... at all. Don't talk about exes that would do it for you, or other women that would do it for you with no problems... it will breed even more contempt for the act. Like fine, why should I do it for you too, its not even that special.

Make sure you always make her feel sexy, beautiful and wanted even when not in the bedroom. That is the true recipe for a woman to become more open and giving sexually.

If she's shy about it... perhaps you can suggest making a game of it at first... wherein she touches herself under a blanket and you can't peek under the blanket.. and then from there... touching herself while you are under the blanket with her but still... no direct peeking, just being next to her.. so that she can build up a comfort level.

My boyfriend is the first guy I ever masturbated in front of and I feel so comfortable and confident doing it... he never suggested it, I just did it.. and his reaction turned me on and so its on the menu of things we do together.

The most important thing is respecting her bounderies, not making her feel like a freak for being uncomfortable with something. Being understanding... not stomping your feet, kicking dirt and demanding it like a kid wanting a candybar from the check out line -- not saying that is what you are doing, I'm just saying sometimes repeated requests for something in a manner that seems whiny can turn a person off doing something even more than it would have otherwise.

[Roland1919]

I appreciate the input. We have talked about the bad experience and I won't share it here as it is personal, but it has nothing to do with this. Basically he really screwed her over bad and she associates this act with him. She does seem a little embarassed when we talk about masterbation in general, but she has indirectly indicated that she has and does masterbate.

[LanaBear]

I completely agree with HD...

It's tough when you have to deal with someone who has been hurt sexually in the past. It is not an easy thing for them to get over, no matter how much they love and trust you. She got screwed before and may never get over it. You may never get it, but you have to respect it.

I don't masturbate by myself, but I love to masturbate for my hubby and vice versa. Not only a huge turn on for him, but it is for me as well, just to see the look in his eyes when I do makes me enjoy it immensely.

I think continuing the conversation at a slow pace would be a plus... Don't push push push it, but just continue to let her know that it is okay and there is no judgment from you. Have you masturbated in front of her? Does she enjoy it?

Maybe even talk to her about starting with other areas of her body and not to just focus on the area between the legs... Breasts for example.

[Roland1919]

I should also probably mention that she seems embarassed to tell me about her sexual fantasies. She has told me a couple of extrememly tame ones but I don't feel like she is comfortable sharing stuff like this. The problem is that is leaves it all up to me guessing. I know what she likes and she has even told me that no man she was ever with before me came close to satisfying her the way I do. So basically I give her great orgasms but pretty much get the same experience every time. This coupled with my #1 fantasy being denied leaves me feeling kind of like my sex life is mostly over now other than some very tame sex. We have talked about this and recently I have been making strides to make her feel more of the romantic love that she needs and I was hoping this would open some of these things up to our bedroom, but now I am wondering if she will keep all of this locked up inside her for the rest of our lives.

I think your advice is very good Hopeless Dork. I am also wondering if there are women reading this that may feel like she does and can shed some light on this for me. It just seems as good as our relationship is we should be able to be more open and honest in the bedroom.

[Roland1919]

Yes, I have done it for her. She acted like she liked it while we were doing it (I was working on myself while I held the shower massager for her in the shower) but afterwards seemed embarassed. I got the feeling that it really turned her on during the act but afterwards made her feel dirty.

[LanaBear]

Other than that one guy, has she had any other bad sexual experiences? It's unfortunate that she is equating sexual things as being dirty...

As far as fantasies though... Sometimes it is easier to write things down rather than speak them... Ask her if she would be willing for each of you to write down 4 of your fantasies. Not to be read right away, that may put too much stress/pressure on her, but to be read at a later time. Then read them, one at a time, hers first and talk to her about them and try to make them come true, obviously all this within reason and consentually.

Another idea, maybe get one of those bedroom board games, they are usually pretty tame, but it may help her explore some things. Just a thought.

[Roland1919]

Like I said, it was not a bad sexual experience. It was a bad relationship and she just happened to have done this with him.

I have bought several board games and she refused to play any of them saying she was too embarassed.

I like your idea of writing it down, but if she won't even try one of those lame games I am afraid she will just get irritated.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

What she is saying in my opinion, is that let go. She was prepared to have no in-hibitions and she trusted this person, that she could be free, herself, totally and in that he would love her more for sharing that intimacy with him. But, he didn't, he didn't respect her, treated her bad and left.

That is a fear. Now she's married, and whilst she still is prepared to do little things, she can't get that out of her sub-conscious and that FEAR is ensuring she remains behind closed doors, to herself, yet it's in her.

You've been together for 10 years. Your married. Telling her, asking her will not bring that out.

Making her feel totally beautiful, opening up like a flower, bringing our her sensuality not sexuality, teaching her simple things like smelling everything, tasting everything in food, sensual reaction, taking away all fears, today is going to be a beautiful day, like her, .. Working on the sensuality in yourself as well and projecting that onto her, may help her realise it's OK to be herself.

And, to be honest, he doesn't matter, you don't matter only she matters in that sphere, after all we were born to be ourselves, so in that we shouldn't have any fear.

It's the fear of it being used against her, turned into a sexual instead of being free, herself and turned into sensual and loved in that.

Concentrate on the art of sensuality.. Look it up, start yourself to feel it and then show her, hopefully it will open the door for you both, it's not sexual... It's sensuality.... that gives you the sexual....

CW