Me and my girlfriend moved together a year ago.
Some time after we moved together, i realized that she felt pressured to have sex because she perceived me as always wanting it. This naturally built up a certain resistance in her - but we've worked it out pretty good I would say. After gradually getting to know each other a little better, the flow and rhythm of sex feels good and natural, probably 2-5 times a week. At 2 times a week, i admit i get restless.
She's been open about sex, and that she've always masturbated alot. She can tell me about it, where she does it (at work f.instance), and she even told me that she had watched porn at work the other day... Now that was both unsettling and a turn on at the same time. Then i accidentally found out she'd been surfing for porn on my computer... She's a real newbie regarding internet (we're almost 40) and does not even think of erasing her tracks. So when I start to type youtu, youporn pops up in IE adressbar. I told her (in a nice way) about youporn on my computer, and she got a little embaressed (so would I), and said that kinda porn wasnt for her. But she still got turned on by it. If there had been porn the way she'd liked it, she said she might have even watched it a little too much. I've seen my share of porn in life - and I know it can be a turn on.
So this is what is bothering me; I sometimes get the impression that she wants even less sex. Maybe even once a week. At the same time it is quite obvious that she masturbates daily, sometimes more. When she has the time, like a day off, sex obviously occupies her for some time (porn and masturbation). And I am having some problems knowing how to deal with this.
There are additional issues here which complicate things;
* when we met, she was exhausted from having responsibility for 2 children alone with no family (in this town). She was, and I would say still is to some degree, very sensitive to any kind of perceived pressure, expectations etc.
* she's not a very good talker and I usually only find out much later what she thinks I expect from here - which very often is wrong. The clearing up of these misunderstandings - painful as these processes tend to be - have been very important in the improvement of the relationship.
* the father of her children is a full-blown, self centered, at times immature and overly sensitive narscissist - with which she had a 10 year "constant power-struggle relationship" always having to defend herself, or fighting to have her and their childrens needs recognized. Her father was self centered and absent as well. She was proud to step out of the same pattern her mother had been in when she broke with him 6 years ago.
So, we needed time to settle down in this relationship. There was a lot of anxiety floating around, and there still is some. We can both be rather explosive. I have, at times, felt that she have taken with her the "power struggle" attitude into this relationsship. Secondly I feel that she tries to play it extremely safe, not exposing herself at all, letting me take the emotion "risks" (exposure). First 6 months she showed little or no initiative for warmth, very little gratitude, no emotional support in challenging situations, almost no initiative for caressing. If i took initiative, she would sometimes respond, sometimes not. She gives close to none verbal expressions of care, love etc - though it's all getting better. The sex, however, as always been very close, near, straightforward loving. I’ve been in relationships with all kinds of experimentation – but she’s into straight, missionary love maing, with some oral thrown into it from time to time. I like it, it feels true.
So, back to masturbation. What’s it about? If she masturbates every day, but only wants sex 1-2 times a week, I feel “left out”. I mean, does she spend more time fantasizing about this and that, than making love with me? I don’t know how to deal with that. Secondly, does she prefer sex alone? Isnt what we do good enough (though she says she's extremely satisfied). Third, no wonder she wants it less (sex together) than me if she does it every day. Fourth; is this just another way of keeping me at an emotionally secure distance? I’ve been thinking that with her emotionally distant ex, sex was the only way to get close. With me, she’s got plenty of opportunities for that, but I think she is scared. She get’s very close during sex – is it getting too close for her?
Man, too many questions….
I’d like to hear what women have to say about it. Maybe you can help in some way.
Some time after we moved together, i realized that she felt pressured to have sex because she perceived me as always wanting it. This naturally built up a certain resistance in her - but we've worked it out pretty good I would say. After gradually getting to know each other a little better, the flow and rhythm of sex feels good and natural, probably 2-5 times a week. At 2 times a week, i admit i get restless.
She's been open about sex, and that she've always masturbated alot. She can tell me about it, where she does it (at work f.instance), and she even told me that she had watched porn at work the other day... Now that was both unsettling and a turn on at the same time. Then i accidentally found out she'd been surfing for porn on my computer... She's a real newbie regarding internet (we're almost 40) and does not even think of erasing her tracks. So when I start to type youtu, youporn pops up in IE adressbar. I told her (in a nice way) about youporn on my computer, and she got a little embaressed (so would I), and said that kinda porn wasnt for her. But she still got turned on by it. If there had been porn the way she'd liked it, she said she might have even watched it a little too much. I've seen my share of porn in life - and I know it can be a turn on.
So this is what is bothering me; I sometimes get the impression that she wants even less sex. Maybe even once a week. At the same time it is quite obvious that she masturbates daily, sometimes more. When she has the time, like a day off, sex obviously occupies her for some time (porn and masturbation). And I am having some problems knowing how to deal with this.
There are additional issues here which complicate things;
* when we met, she was exhausted from having responsibility for 2 children alone with no family (in this town). She was, and I would say still is to some degree, very sensitive to any kind of perceived pressure, expectations etc.
* she's not a very good talker and I usually only find out much later what she thinks I expect from here - which very often is wrong. The clearing up of these misunderstandings - painful as these processes tend to be - have been very important in the improvement of the relationship.
* the father of her children is a full-blown, self centered, at times immature and overly sensitive narscissist - with which she had a 10 year "constant power-struggle relationship" always having to defend herself, or fighting to have her and their childrens needs recognized. Her father was self centered and absent as well. She was proud to step out of the same pattern her mother had been in when she broke with him 6 years ago.
So, we needed time to settle down in this relationship. There was a lot of anxiety floating around, and there still is some. We can both be rather explosive. I have, at times, felt that she have taken with her the "power struggle" attitude into this relationsship. Secondly I feel that she tries to play it extremely safe, not exposing herself at all, letting me take the emotion "risks" (exposure). First 6 months she showed little or no initiative for warmth, very little gratitude, no emotional support in challenging situations, almost no initiative for caressing. If i took initiative, she would sometimes respond, sometimes not. She gives close to none verbal expressions of care, love etc - though it's all getting better. The sex, however, as always been very close, near, straightforward loving. I’ve been in relationships with all kinds of experimentation – but she’s into straight, missionary love maing, with some oral thrown into it from time to time. I like it, it feels true.
So, back to masturbation. What’s it about? If she masturbates every day, but only wants sex 1-2 times a week, I feel “left out”. I mean, does she spend more time fantasizing about this and that, than making love with me? I don’t know how to deal with that. Secondly, does she prefer sex alone? Isnt what we do good enough (though she says she's extremely satisfied). Third, no wonder she wants it less (sex together) than me if she does it every day. Fourth; is this just another way of keeping me at an emotionally secure distance? I’ve been thinking that with her emotionally distant ex, sex was the only way to get close. With me, she’s got plenty of opportunities for that, but I think she is scared. She get’s very close during sex – is it getting too close for her?
Man, too many questions….
I’d like to hear what women have to say about it. Maybe you can help in some way.
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