[Allie602]

i dont know. i feel like there is something wrong with me. i only had sex a few times before i met him and i never had an orgasm until i met him. he was the nly person willing to use toys and stuff. but i just feel like im all skrewed up or something because i am not that into sex. everyone else in the world seems to love it and i just dont see the reason why. who knows. i have even looked into seeing a sex therapist. . . .

You are absolutely normal. Your husband is immature for getting angry and blaming you and he is not admitting his part in the problem. Sexual problems are rarely one persons problem and from what you describe this is not your problem alone. If he does not take responsibility for his part, your husband stands a good chance of losing you. When yiou get older and more experienced you will know that you can have a satusfying sex with a skilled lover.
Don't take notice of advice that blames you for this problem or suggest that you alone can fix this. You and your husband must work on this.
Your part:
1) find out all you can about female sexuality, there is allot of info on the internet and excellent books, read them with your husband. Many men are not aware of what it takes to please a woman, they think that if they pleased a girlfriend in the past, they can please all woman. They also think that racking up numbers of women that they have had sex with is a sign of sexual power. That is not true each woman is different and a man must learn how to please a new lover like it was the first women he had sex with. You are young but you must communicate your needs to your husband if he is not open then the problems will continue. If sex is consistently unsatisfactory with your husband you may begin to avoid have sex with him. If your husband he knew this was possible I am certain he would do all he could to avoid this.

Numbers mean nothing quality and knowledge does. Did you know that only 30% of woman orgasm by vaginal sex and the other 70% need clitoral stimulation to orgasm with a partner. Does your husband know that does he know how to get you to orgasm with clitoral stimulation? Did you know that it takes women time to warm up in order to enjoy sex? If sex is uncomfortable, you may not have had enough foreplay. Your husband has to take as mush time as you need to warm up so that you will not hurt and are satisfied. Does your husband know these facts?

2. Do not be embarrassed to communicate your needs with your husband, after all if you have the intimacy of sex you should be able to talk about it. Please note - I may be dead wrong so take your own council as to whether you feel comfortable talking to your husband now. You know your husband, yourself and your relationship. Don't talk to him until you read about the proper approach. It's easy for me to say but very difficult to do, so, you do not feel comfortable with talking to him then don't do it until you do.

Just a final word - please read up on female sexuality. I thought there was something wrong with me until I read information about the way women experience sex. Women are allot more complicated than men and none of the men I had sex with were knowledgable about female sexuality and what it took to please me. I blamed myself for being sexually defective. I had the first orgasm in my life with my current boyfriend who is into mutual satisfaction and lovingly found out what it took to get me there. I am happier with him than I have been with any relationship that I have had. He is unselfish and I am learning to do things with him I never thought I would enjoy just because he pleases me and I feel loved.

You can have the same but it starts with self-knowledge and consistent communication with your husband and the absolute conviction that you are normal and if you are giving your husband sexual satisfaction then you can expect the same. Some people will tell you that you are required to please your husband weather you want to or not - this just leads to resentment and the eventual death of sex and the relationship. I hope you will be able to work out your problem.

[graydogreddog]

testing

[graydogreddog]

I am a 56 year old male that has been in a momogamus (spelling ?) marriage for 33 years with a woman that has had a lower sex drive than me, up until the last 5 years. Lots of good advice hear Allie 602 started of sounding like she was going to give you a feminist speach but when I read it all it has some good ideas. I am not sure that I saw that you husband gets angry and blames you though.
So many things may enter in here.
Men and Women have different attitutes (I wish this thread had spell check) to many things. Some studies suggest that we have thought patterns that work completely different. For example women are happy to talk about a problem without solving it. Just to have talked about it is enough. This makes no sense to me at all. To bring up a problem means we should try to solve it.
Another thing is that a mans worth is related to his work and womens is related to her relationships. I do not know how to always understand my wife but we have each have the knowledge that we look at things from another perspective and try to work from that baseline.

Communication about sex is really hard because it always seems like what I want say will sound like I am being critical and I do not mean to be that way.
Your husband will love it when he learns how to give you orgasms. It is a hard task to figure out I have been at it for 33 years now and think I am still learning new ways. So the more help you can give him the better. Buy every Cosmo and read the juicy parts together and try anything that doesn't hurt. I have tried to get my wife interested in reading the Cosmo but she just isn't interested. Get some wine coolers some massage oil and spend an afternoon in bed having sex, massages and hanging out and learn as much as possible about each other. We did not do this soon enough. Our really good sex did not start until after 4 kids and my vasectomy which leads to another subject.
I read somewhere that some women have a subconscience difficulty with sex and orgasm because deep down they are worried about getting pregnant. Sounds reasonable and I can not think of a good solution for this (my male thought pattern again). I am a pharmacist so am pretty familiar with all the methods of birth control. The pill is usually the most reliable but does have side effects.
Nausea (my wife could not take them because of this), libido problems etc. Condoms are unreliable and a pain in the ####. Diaphrams are unreliable and a slippery pain in the #####. etc etc for all the methods. We have 4 kids, 1 while on a diaphram, 1 planned, 1 on the sponge, 1 one the rythlm (spell) I am not going to give advice here. We were not unhappy with any of the pregnancies though so that is ok.
In our situation depression was a problem. My wife started on antidepressants about 12 years ago. That helped her mood swings. She has been on sertraline, Effexor and last Welbutrin (bupropion). Bupropion has been linked to helping women have better and more orgasms. I think that is true in our house. And from a medical point of veiw it makes sense. Antidepressants work by trying to get your nervous system to work better by adjusting the neuro-tranmitters that make the nerves do their work. An orgasm has a ton of nerves working so if the nerves don't go the orgasm won't either. Strangely enough most of the anti-depressants seem to cause more sex and orgasm problems than they solve though. But bupropion worked at our house. Orgasms come easier and multiples are very common now with the correct stimulus. Other meds can cause problems with sex drive also.
One of the most encouraging things in your post was that your husband is willing to use toys etc. He is trying and is masculinity is not threatened but the battery powered wonders. It looks like he really wants you to enjoy what he does. My wifes favorite is the rabbit of Sex in the City fame. The one with the soft rabbit ears on the top. If fact she has orgasmed so hard that she stripped the gears on one of these. I like a vibrator that looks like a bigger version of the mirror the dentist uses. You can use this one to stimulate your clitoris while your husband is in you in either the missionary or doggy style. I like it when my wife can orgasm when I am in her. This really is not her favorite though, she usually has better orgasms when I am not in her. Kind of a blow to my ego but good communication does not always give you the result you want. She has never had an orgasm with just intercourse or with just vaginal stimulation with a toy. I can only think of one time she had a orgasm where vaginal stimulation played a big part except one time on vacation when we had been married about 25 years and rented the honeymoon suite in a hotel at Jackson Hole wyoming and were on the couch in front of the fireplace. The mood was perfect the foreplay was long and a combination of one of my fingers in her and another on her clitioris gave her best every orgasm to that point. Since then there have been alot with the rabbit that has both the internal and clitoris going on.
Our sex life got better after each of a number of events. 1) my vasectomy. 2) her getting on antidepressants. 3) she had a histerectomy that included a non cancerous grapefruit sized growth in her uterus, this may not have affected her sex drive other that getting rid of endometriosis type symtoms that were a big part of her mentral cycle. She is just generally more healthy and pain free at this time.
Our roles now are somewhat reversed I have now reached the age where my testosterone levels are decreasing and while I have always been able to get an erection it does not stay up as long and my orgasms have a much lower pleasure sensation on the average. It really stinks that now she is more interested in sex than ever and it really is not that great any more for me. Kind or ironic. I have certain amount of bitterness in that during the years when my desire and need (it really is ladies) for sex was daily or 5 times a week we could not click. I like to think that I was trying. Taking care of the kids, helping around the house etc, etc. I think we both tried but for whatever reason we never really were on the same wavelength. Many nights I got up in the middle of the night and took care of the problem all by myself. I would estimate that in my married life I have had more solo sex than any other kind.
Hopefully I have not bored you to death by now. It will work out but will be a learning curve for both of you.
Ideas: not sure if all are good so you need to sort through them and have the people in this thread help you.
Initiate sex as often you possibly can-- I used to get tired of always being the one who had to start the process. I once made up my mind not to initiate sex and we did not do the act for just about 4 months. I got tired of this experiment.
Learn oral sex--- both of you. I can tell you that it easier to stay on a clitoris with a tongue than with a finger or toy. It is an elusive bugger sometimes.
Maybe have your husband read this whole thread??? I don't know for sure on this, not everyone wants there life in print. Maybe it is better for your personal reference? Anyone else have an idea here.
Wake up early and service (that is a terrible way to put it, but describes it the best I think) your husband. Give him a blow job, a hand job with plenty of lubricant or hop on a ride him hard.
I will guarantee that he will either be hard when you first touch him or with in about 10 seconds. This will show him that you are really trying.
good luck

[Allie602]

I am a 56 year old male that has been in a momogamus (spelling ?) marriage for 33 years with a woman that has had a lower sex drive than me, up until the last 5 years. Lots of good advice hear Allie 602 started of sounding like she was going to give you a feminist speach but when I read it all it has some good ideas. I am not sure that I saw that you husband gets angry and blames you though.
So many things may enter in here.
Men and Women have different attitutes (I wish this thread had spell check) to many things. Some studies suggest that we have thought patterns that work completely different. For example women are happy to talk about a problem without solving it. Just to have talked about it is enough. This makes no sense to me at all. To bring up a problem means we should try to solve it.
Another thing is that a mans worth is related to his work and womens is related to her relationships. I do not know how to always understand my wife but we have each have the knowledge that we look at things from another perspective and try to work from that baseline.

Communication about sex is really hard because it always seems like what I want say will sound like I am being critical and I do not mean to be that way.
Your husband will love it when he learns how to give you orgasms. It is a hard task to figure out I have been at it for 33 years now and think I am still learning new ways. So the more help you can give him the better. Buy every Cosmo and read the juicy parts together and try anything that doesn't hurt. I have tried to get my wife interested in reading the Cosmo but she just isn't interested. Get some wine coolers some massage oil and spend an afternoon in bed having sex, massages and hanging out and learn as much as possible about each other. We did not do this soon enough. Our really good sex did not start until after 4 kids and my vasectomy which leads to another subject.
I read somewhere that some women have a subconscience difficulty with sex and orgasm because deep down they are worried about getting pregnant. Sounds reasonable and I can not think of a good solution for this (my male thought pattern again). I am a pharmacist so am pretty familiar with all the methods of birth control. The pill is usually the most reliable but does have side effects.
Nausea (my wife could not take them because of this), libido problems etc. Condoms are unreliable and a pain in the ####. Diaphrams are unreliable and a slippery pain in the #####. etc etc for all the methods. We have 4 kids, 1 while on a diaphram, 1 planned, 1 on the sponge, 1 one the rythlm (spell) I am not going to give advice here. We were not unhappy with any of the pregnancies though so that is ok.
In our situation depression was a problem. My wife started on antidepressants about 12 years ago. That helped her mood swings. She has been on sertraline, Effexor and last Welbutrin (bupropion). Bupropion has been linked to helping women have better and more orgasms. I think that is true in our house. And from a medical point of veiw it makes sense. Antidepressants work by trying to get your nervous system to work better by adjusting the neuro-tranmitters that make the nerves do their work. An orgasm has a ton of nerves working so if the nerves don't go the orgasm won't either. Strangely enough most of the anti-depressants seem to cause more sex and orgasm problems than they solve though. But bupropion worked at our house. Orgasms come easier and multiples are very common now with the correct stimulus. Other meds can cause problems with sex drive also.
One of the most encouraging things in your post was that your husband is willing to use toys etc. He is trying and is masculinity is not threatened but the battery powered wonders. It looks like he really wants you to enjoy what he does. My wifes favorite is the rabbit of Sex in the City fame. The one with the soft rabbit ears on the top. If fact she has orgasmed so hard that she stripped the gears on one of these. I like a vibrator that looks like a bigger version of the mirror the dentist uses. You can use this one to stimulate your clitoris while your husband is in you in either the missionary or doggy style. I like it when my wife can orgasm when I am in her. This really is not her favorite though, she usually has better orgasms when I am not in her. Kind of a blow to my ego but good communication does not always give you the result you want. She has never had an orgasm with just intercourse or with just vaginal stimulation with a toy. I can only think of one time she had a orgasm where vaginal stimulation played a big part except one time on vacation when we had been married about 25 years and rented the honeymoon suite in a hotel at Jackson Hole wyoming and were on the couch in front of the fireplace. The mood was perfect the foreplay was long and a combination of one of my fingers in her and another on her clitioris gave her best every orgasm to that point. Since then there have been alot with the rabbit that has both the internal and clitoris going on.
Our sex life got better after each of a number of events. 1) my vasectomy. 2) her getting on antidepressants. 3) she had a histerectomy that included a non cancerous grapefruit sized growth in her uterus, this may not have affected her sex drive other that getting rid of endometriosis type symtoms that were a big part of her mentral cycle. She is just generally more healthy and pain free at this time.
Our roles now are somewhat reversed I have now reached the age where my testosterone levels are decreasing and while I have always been able to get an erection it does not stay up as long and my orgasms have a much lower pleasure sensation on the average. It really stinks that now she is more interested in sex than ever and it really is not that great any more for me. Kind or ironic. I have certain amount of bitterness in that during the years when my desire and need (it really is ladies) for sex was daily or 5 times a week we could not click. I like to think that I was trying. Taking care of the kids, helping around the house etc, etc. I think we both tried but for whatever reason we never really were on the same wavelength. Many nights I got up in the middle of the night and took care of the problem all by myself. I would estimate that in my married life I have had more solo sex than any other kind.
Hopefully I have not bored you to death by now. It will work out but will be a learning curve for both of you.
Ideas: not sure if all are good so you need to sort through them and have the people in this thread help you.
Initiate sex as often you possibly can-- I used to get tired of always being the one who had to start the process. I once made up my mind not to initiate sex and we did not do the act for just about 4 months. I got tired of this experiment.
Learn oral sex--- both of you. I can tell you that it easier to stay on a clitoris with a tongue than with a finger or toy. It is an elusive bugger sometimes.
Maybe have your husband read this whole thread??? I don't know for sure on this, not everyone wants there life in print. Maybe it is better for your personal reference? Anyone else have an idea here.
Wake up early and service (that is a terrible way to put it, but describes it the best I think) your husband. Give him a blow job, a hand job with plenty of lubricant or hop on a ride him hard.
I will guarantee that he will either be hard when you first touch him or with in about 10 seconds. This will show him that you are really trying.
good luck

Your post is wonderful, I wish more men would chime in and give advice so we woman will understand them and what they need. I wish to suggest that may help your wife to understand men better and you to understand women better, there are two volumes For Women Only: What You Need to Know about the Inner Lives of Men by Shaunti Feldhahn and For Men Only: A Straightforward Guide to the Inner Lives of Women Shaunti and Jeff Feldhahn.

I have also read that men can maintain much of their sexual pleasure by Keagle exercises, weight loss and exercise. Of course I don't know your situation so don't be insulted. I have come across credible information on the internet not companies trying to sell books and products. If you look up information on Medline for non-scientist, I think you will find info. I am a researcher so I am good at finding info so if you have problems finding email me and I will do the search.

I came across these books I was absolutely astounded that men actually felt rejected, and hurt when their partner rejects their sexual advances in a committed relationship. A mans reaction of anger and distance is out of hurt feelings and the assumption that their partners understands the effect rejection means to him. I think it should be a must read for people in relationships.

I began to read books about what a man needs in a relationship because of my partners reaction. Although I don't turn him down often, his reaction of anger and distance concerned me. Book after book that I read pointed out that men feel loved and connection when they have sex in a committed long-term relationship. I was so surprised that emotions were involved and that the distance and anger was his way of expressing his hurt and his need to know that I still found him desirable. When I tell you I did not understand I mean that I thought men just wanted sex for the pleasure and release it provided. I know that sometimes that is what it is for them but not the whole story.

I cried when I read it, I could not believe that I got it so wrong. He is such a good man and I love him so much I never ment to hurt him. He confirmed that this is how he feels and expressed his need for me and how sexually attractive he found me Why did he never tell me I asked, he said he did not know how to express it and he thought I knew the effect of rejecting him!!

I don't think men express their needs properly in committed relationships. I know that is part of the psychology of being a man but somehow I think they need to get the world out. I think they don't because it may not sound manly but I don't think that it is true.

The sexuality of men is represented in an ugly way in pop culture and it hurts men in relationships. I am not talking about men who objectify women or immature men who looking to use women for pleasure, I am talking about men who have committed to a woman. I think that this is, in part, why a mans partner is so dismissive of their partners sexual advances. When men talk about their needs most mean a need for acceptance, and emotional connection with the woman they love. They don't express it that way. I'll ask graydogreddog and other men to explain that I can't figure it out.

[Allie602]

Just a word - I didn't read your post carefully enough. You mentioned that the OP should do more to pleasure her husband. I think that it would be disastrous for her to extend herself any more to give to him until the problem with her satisfaction is worked out.

I think imbalance of sexual satisfaction is very harmful to a relationship. It is penis-centered and it leads to woman wanting less sex with their husband. If you think about it, is a natural outcome of human relationships. In the old days women were expected to prove their love by giving sex no matter what she felt, that model does not work any more. Women expect orgasms and the sigma of divorce and financial consequences of the same are not factors that would make a woman stay in a frustrating relationship.

The spiral down starts, he gets pity sex if he begs enough. This may seem cruel to the man but it is equally cruel to the woman if she is sexually frustrated. I think it is one of the biggest mistakes men can make in a long-term relationship. Men need to put themselves in their partners place periodically and ask "if sex for me was like what my partner is experiencing, would I be satisfied?". If the answer is no then they have to do something before it is too late. Sex is so important to men so I don't understand why every man would not invest the time and effort it takes to make it mutually satisfying.

Men sometimes think women don't mind not having orgasms. In a past relationship, I put up with imbalance in a relationship for a long time and then suddenly I decided to stop giving. I endured 18 months of sexual frustration hoping that he would notice my cues that I expected to have orgasms too. He became bitter and resentful when the sex stopped but so was I. He did not listen to me and assumed I did not mind not getting satisfaction. I never told him, I just left if he couldn't get for 18 months he would get it in 18 mins.

I cannot see how the OP giving her husband a morning bj initiating a frustrating sexual encounter would help in terms of a mutually satisfying sexual relationship? How would that work in terms of two human being, given that they both need to have their love banks filled?

The OP is already expressing dissatisfaction she has no drive and to expect her to put more effort into giving him maximum pleasure will work against them both. Would you suggest he give her oral sex in the AM and bring her to orgasm and then she use a toy as his sole source of orgasm for him? Can you understand why that will not work?

This young woman is saying she wants her husband to give her orgasm, she is not happy using a toy when he is right there. I think that using a toy to have an orgasm is not satisfying when there is a man available who could do that. Women need to have their partner touch them and give them orgasms, it is an important part of feeling close and loved.

In fact, OP, I think you should get rid of the toy for the time being. Toys are nice to spice things up but if you have not even had an orgasm with your husband it is a poor substitute. Work with your husband until you are both happy and add extras in only if you feel loved and satisfied. Don't give more to him than he gives to you, it's not a ***-for-tat it human nature, you are protecting the relationship by not letting things get out of balance.

[rcoreyus]

Its always tricky to really understand what is going on in these situations. Ideally both people would enjoy sex, and would enjoy giving pleasure to each other. If one isn't trying to please the other, then it is reasonable for the other to feel rejected and hurt. If neither is trying to please the other, they need to evaluate the situation. If the lack of effort is due to a lack of effort from the partner, then this is easily fixed - either starts again and the other will follow. If one simply doesn't enjoy pleasing the other (despite their partners efforts to please them), then they need to understand why they feel that way.

[graydogreddog]

When I suggested the lady should initiate sex I did not mean that he should not respond and try to give her pleasure. I think that even if she is not really "in the mood" but starts things out she may get "in the mood" once the act is going. One of the best way for me to get going is to see the reaction in my partner. This is why couples should spent time just messing around so we know what the other likes. So in the morning when he has just gotten a good wake-up session he has a good idea how to return the favor, and agreed if he never does she needs to let him know what she would like. Just for the record guys do not do well with hints and suggestions. The idea that "if he can't figure out what I want without being told" is quickest way to a bad relationship. As much as I would like to defend my gender we (especially the younger ones) need to smacked along side the head and told 'THIS IS WHAT I WANT YOU IDIOT'. We make jokes about it but that is just the way it is. Women worry about is how to do this without being labeled a "". And sorry I do not have a fool proof way to help you on that except to say we are somewhat results oriented. If you give us orders we may not seem completely happy but if the end results are good, such as everyone happier, we will probably come around. Also what your girls freinds might consider a y statement will just be seen as helpful instructions by a guy. Allie said that sex was about orgasms for the lady. I have heard a number of times "lets just cuddle thats all I want right now "or "this is not a competition I don't think I can come today just hold me". Also I have read some refer to not wanting the pressure of having to have an orgasm every time they enjoy sex even with-out the orgasm. I think most guys in a mature relationship can handle this even if they would prefer to be able to get her off all the time.
One more thought. Who goes first? My wife does not have orgasms from intercourse she needs clitoral stimulation and has better orgasms when I am not in her. So someone needs to go first and it is a hard choice. An orgasm at the end of the day when I am tired will cause so much drowsiness that it is almost impossible to stay awake sometimes which does not lead to good concentration for getting her off. But I think sometimes the act of making me come is foreplay for her so it may work better that way. Also sometimes when she has a really great orgasm her vagina gets so relaxed that it is not as good for me. Either way is good these are just thoughts.

[Mes T]

graydog you make some good points. However why is it acceptable for the woman to not orgasm all the time?

Here's a statistic. A woman masturbating orgasms 80% of the time. A woman having sex with a woman orgasms 80% of the time. A woman having sex with a man orgasms 20% of the time. These statistics are 2 years old so perhaps the numbers have changed a little, but you get the idea.

When I masturbate I expect to orgasm every time. I also expect the same from sex. Just like my man does. However it doesn't always happen, and it's pretty much never because I'm "not in the mood".

[rcoreyus]

I wonder how they did the experiment to get those statistics Seriously though some of the times women don't orgasm from sex it is because they haven't told / shown their partners what they like. If they have told him and he isn't willing to do what they want, that is very different from him simply not knowing what to do. People in discussions like this are generally relating to their own experiences and that colors how they see things. In my case, it is my wife who isn't willing to put much effort into doing what I want while I do everything she asks for - but that may be less common than the reverse .

[graydogreddog]

it is great if she does orgasm every time, but she doesn't need to feel that she has to. this whole thread started because she feels she does not have as high a sex drive as her husband so we should be suggesting things that will help her feel confident about her sexuallity and not feel that it is her fault and there is no way for things to change. Their sex drive may never be equal, as time goes on the situation may reverse itself. Her initial posting tells how good their relationship is except for this one thing, if that is the case this will work itself out if both are patient and supportive of the others needs. I bet you that the majority of couples would say that they do not have the exact same sex drive as their partner.