[K9LOVER]

If marriage is only about sex what happens if one of you gets in a horrible accident and becomes paralyzed from the waist down? Is the marriage over?

[jns]

How about if all the trappings of an easy life go, the job, the health, the car, the house, the retirement, the savings account, etc.? Will the marriage go? Will a lot of stress be put on the marriage and it go somewhat later? This is probably a more realistic scenario, especially during these hard economic times.

[stressed]

I think it's a part of this:

I hate to say this, but speaking for myself, there have only been two men in my life I've been able to be my sexually uninhibited freaky self with--the man I'm with now (I'm 50) and the young man I dated right after high school. All the men in between (including my ex-husband), just didn't bring that out in me.

I truly believe there is a whole perfect storm that has to happen for a woman to be her true sexual self...it has to do with chemistry, trust, *all* the senses, etc.

... and a part of that:

She stated he was her "boyfriend" but he was her lover... She purely viewed him on a sexual level, felt comfortable, having no inhibitions, adventure...if you will..

She stated that marriage is not about sex. So, I think she is saying there, that it's about love, she married you, because she loved you, he was just a sexual partner.

What you have to do though as she has adventure in her system, feels she couldn't be that lady/woman outside the bedroom and the tart in the bedroom, is to make her feel that it's "ok" to be two people, it's ok to let go of her inhibitions not to supress them for the rest of her life, and never let it out again.. Your okay with it, you love her, and know she loves you and this is what you concluded from that statement....

I think she is viewing sex as dirty and love as basic sex here and there, she may even have felt tarty from what she did, when what she needs to understand is it's okay to be yourself, express yourself, and enjoy each other...

She may need help to understand that she 'can' connect marriage and love with you. That sex is not something to have fun pre-marriage only, with someone she wouldn't spend the rest of her life with, but something she can continue to explore with you. What she told you was simply hurtful and with no purpose.

If marriage is only about sex what happens if one of you gets in a horrible accident and becomes paralyzed from the waist down? Is the marriage over?

Marriage is not only about sex, but you cannot exclude sex when both parters want to remain sexually active. You cannot give less to your partner only to tell him that you do so because you married him. Unless she separates love and sex in her mind, which will ultimately make her unhappy, as she won't be able to enjoy sex in a loving relationship or love someone she's having sexual relationships with. Besides, I don't see why she had to tell her partner that she has tried everything with somebody else, but now she "retires from adventurous sex". 25 and 30 is far too young to make such statements.

[Texasred]

Tell her you want a divorce so you and she can have great sex,
See what she says then.

[Guest]

Why don't you tell her that marriage is not about being with someone who doesn't want sex ! You can have a really good sexless relationship if both of you are not interested in sex. But to have a marriage where at least one person wants sex, then sex has to be in it. Otherwise get up and go! Let the person who doesn't want sex spend their lives celibate.

[sourpuss]

maybe you both need to sit down and discuss what marriage means to both of you and meet somewhere in the middle

[caterpillar79]

Regardless of what she told you...may I know what BC she's in? In my own experience, I didn't like to have sex back then because I didn't have the orgasms I used to. Later, I viewed sex as a chore and then eventually disliked doing it as a whole. I was on the pill then I changed to the injectable, and then tubal ligation...my hormones' messed up, coupled with a lot of job-related stress, and the inability of my (ex-)husband to be affectionate and give me the day-to-day support that I needed in order to feel 'in the mood' to have sex at the end of the day.

That previous marriage went downhill from there....

This is me saying, sex is an integral part of a marriage, but both partners need to agree how and when, and be able to understand the why's of every situation ahead. Know your wife's language of love. Communicate with her about your needs and see what she does.

BTW, also...expect that sex becomes less frequent (sometimes) because of familiarity. Have you gone out-of-town with her lately? Have you taken her out to dinner or movie, or a symphony...and later in the evening, made-out and touched her there and didn't go down to sex?

Build her anticipation....touch her, kiss her passionately, leave her gasping, and then proceed with your normal activity (i.e. watching TV, or reading the paper...). Get her to want you to do it over and over. Get her excited and ask for more...

This time around, I am now the one whose always wanted it, (and I believe that my hormones also play a huge part in this change), and it also has a lot to do with my new husband...ever - supportive of my emotional and physical state. He's learned how to push my 'on' button, which he forgets to switch 'off'...

[CharlesV]

Tell her you want a divorce so you and she can have great sex,
See what she says then.

Hahah Tex rox.

She is just not into you mate.

[Allie602]

I came across an article in the NY times on low/ no sex marriages - it was published a yr ago I think, but comments were still being submitted. The comment were from men overwhelmingly and they gave short narratives of their lives of pain and desperation. I read many of them but they were so amazingly similar.

My impression from reading these men’s narratives, is that sexual desire for the women they love sets off a complex array of emotions. Sex initiates and sustains an important emotional bond. For these men, sex confirms the woman’s love and attraction, affirms his manhood, provides a physical release, and pleasure. Sexual frustration seems to create a crisis in confidence, doubts about masculinity and the partners continued love. I don’t really think many woman understand.

If only the wives of these men appreciated the complexities of their husbands desire for them. Men apparently look to the partner to meet most of his emotional needs, not to his male friends. If these men are to be believed, their bond to their wives is sustained by sex at frequent enough intervals. Being cut off seems to be equivalent of isolating a woman from her friends and family. If that is the case, then sex is a very big deal in a love relationship; it seems to be a man’s lifeline not just a mechanical release and pleasure.

I am not so convinced that emotional component and pleasure are of equal value for men from what I see. it seems to be more like 80% pleasure and release with a small emotional component. Nevertheless, sex seems to be a little more than fun and games with an easily accessible woman for a man in love, there is an emotional part too. The strength of the emotions depends on the man i believe.

[kma415]

She probably just doesn't want it to be like the last relationship. I mean, there's a reason he's her ex, and it may have been all sex and nothing else. I know what that's like, but still 1-2 a month isn't much. Try letting her know you're not him.