[mrs.delilah]

Okay Ladies...

I have now been dating my boyfriend for about 18 months now. Most of our relationship, first year or so, was long distance. Visiting each other every 3-4 months, having wonderful sex that would keep me spinning til our next visit. (He has and is faithful, I truely believe that and just want that known before I move on.) We now live together, quite the adjustment of course, going from long distance to living together, but I wouldn't have it any other way. However, we do have a problem, and that is in the bedroom. I have read on numerous threads of other women with boyfriends who have low libidos, which makes me actually feel somewhat better knowing that I am not the only one with this problem. But it's kiling me.... We have been living together for just a couple of months now, and sex has been minimal, even since we have been together again. I am a very sexual person. I love the feeling of being thrown up against the wall and just wanted and needed... and I don't feel that way at all. Yes, it is a very unattractive feeling, not feeling like you can even do your job as a woman to just getting your man aroused. I'm starting to get jealous of his innocent friendships he is making with other women, (really, they are innocent). Although at times, it doesn't help me at all when he'll make a comment about another chick or someone at his school who is attractive or he likes this/that about her. Makes me wonder what he's really thinking about this person, what he's not saying. I sometimes think that I would be more secure in our relationship if I knew where it was headed, or some type of further commitment was made... but I guess it's just not the right time. I had an ex who just broke me down completely, cheated with a study partner, neighbor, for months before me finding her clothes in his apartment.... and it just sucks that at times I miss that hole just for the sex and feeling sexy and wanted. How can that be? I have this beyond wonderful, great, faithful guy and all I think about all the time is trying to have sex with him. I get short with him sometimes, I guess just because I'm so sexually frustrated... and he gets upset/hurt. I don't believe in "making myself better" for the simple fact that I did it the entire long distance part of our relationship, and I can't help but think that I shouldn't have to anymore, I deserve sex, I would think he would want it more too. Sometime we try and it doesn't work out ,(and I just cry, he gets disappointed in himself and embarrassed) and Ihave been sneaking out of the bedroom to cry for the past few nights. Which leads me to this, the only reason I created this account, and don't know where/who else to talk to. However, like I said, I have read the other threads and agree with the possibilities of why he is this way.... but what I would like to know, desperately need some help, is how to make myself feel better? How can I get over this? I sometimes think that if I wasn't so upset about it/talk about it so much, that he may be able to more? Okay, I'm just rambling.... does anyone know what I'm talking about/how I feel/what I can do?

[JonDoe]

Do I ever know how you feel !!! I have been suffering with this for 20 years of marriage, so one of your comments rings an alarm for me: "where it was headed, or some type of further commitment was made... but I guess it's just not the right time."

Trust me, don't assume it will get better because it may not. My wife and I had a very active sex life before we were married and living together, then things changed and for me it has never been worse.

Find a time when you are clear headed, and sit him down to openly discuss your desires and his, and try to figure this out now before making any kind of long term commitment. There is hope, as long as you both can communicate about sex, friendship, finances, desires, short and long term plans, etc.

Good luck!

[rcoreyus]

Seconding what JohnDoe said. Don't expect it to get better, I've waited 25 years and done everything I can think of to improve things.

Sex is a very important part of a relationship (otherwise you are just friends). How important depends on the person - but it sounds important to you. It is completely normal and good to want passion in life, to want a partner who desires you. If he doesn't have that desire (for you or anyone else), then you are going to be unhappy and resentful as long as you stay in the relationship.

Its not his "fault" he can't help that he has a low interest in sex, but it sounds like he is not the right man for you, and you would both be happier in another relationship.

Again - waiting doesn't work.

[stressed]

My relationship started 100% exactly like yours. From getting out of bed at nights to being bothered about friends.

After 2 years of distance relationship and 2 years of living together: there is very little progress, the most of it having been made in regards to finding out the reasons as to why he is the way he is and not much of practical progress.

You can talk about this with him to death, you can be patient, he may open up about it, but it may never get better. Plus, before it gets better, even slightly, you will go through many unpleasant emotions and thoughts: you will feel unwanted, unattractive, unloved, ignored and all that by the man who claims he loves you. If you have the patience and will to work through this with him you can give it a try (because it's not about love, you may both love each other A LOT but sex can still be a serious issue in your relationship). But, otherwise, I'd advise you to reconsider this relationship as it takes a lot of energy out of you and since you are more sexual than he is you will always have sex in the back of your head but barely the satisfaction.

Have one serious and open talk with him, tell him how important it is to you and take it from there. If he avoids the discussion then you have no reason to stay.

[CharlesV]

Okay Ladies...

We have been living together for just a couple of months now, and sex has been minimal, even since we have been together again. I am a very sexual person. I love the feeling of being thrown up against the wall and just wanted and needed... I deserve sex, I would think he would want it more too. Sometime we try and it doesn't work out ,(and I just cry, he gets disappointed in himself and embarrassed) and Ihave been sneaking out of the bedroom to cry for the past few nights. does anyone know what I'm talking about/how I feel/what I can do?

Welcome to most mens lives after a few years of marriage. I didn't know this happened to women as well!

Its a real shame when you have mismatched libdos like this, and I just can't see how a happy relationship is possible.