[ManINeedACoffee]

Tell me about it. The last guy I dated, unfortunately, liked being in control and calling the shots - whether it was conscious or unconscious. So, if I wasn't quite ready to have sex within 15 minutes of getting to his house and "froze up" and was unable to go any further, he was disappointed and there was something "wrong with me." However, when I really wanted to have sex, he was tired, he didn't feel well, he ate too much at dinner, etc. But I wasn't allowed to get frustrated from that. I just had to deal with it. I bugged him about it one night and then he finally sighed and said, "Fine, I GUESS I can give you a quickie..."

Gee, thanks. Really, don't trouble yourself. I'd hate for it to feel like a CHORE.

He knew I badly wanted intimacy, and he withheld it made sure he was in charge in order to "protect himself." Ugh. Everyone has baggage, but some people are trying to fit an 800 lb. suitcase into an overhead compartment bin. Really, he did me a favor by dumping me.

[WildChild]

Tell me about it. The last guy I dated, unfortunately, liked being in control and calling the shots - whether it was conscious or unconscious. So, if I wasn't quite ready to have sex within 15 minutes of getting to his house and "froze up" and was unable to go any further, he was disappointed and there was something "wrong with me." However, when I really wanted to have sex, he was tired, he didn't feel well, he ate too much at dinner, etc. But I wasn't allowed to get frustrated from that. I just had to deal with it. I bugged him about it one night and then he finally sighed and said, "Fine, I GUESS I can give you a quickie..."

Gee, thanks. Really, don't trouble yourself. I'd hate for it to feel like a CHORE.

He knew I badly wanted intimacy, and he withheld it made sure he was in charge in order to "protect himself." Ugh. Everyone has baggage, but some people are trying to fit an 800 lb. suitcase into an overhead compartment bin. Really, he did me a favor by dumping me.

Gee wonder how he managed to be in two states at the same time? Sounds just like what I dealt with, except I was always ready.

[sourpuss]

make that 3 states

[pretzel]

make that 3 states

And I'm married to his sister

[KMonte85]

you know, I never thought if it as a weapon or punishment to withhold sex... but then something happened yesterday that makes me re-evaluate...

I came home from work to find the house a mess. The dog (that my boyfriend was supposed to put outside for the day since he leaves for work after I leave) had proceeded to rip up and spread around the garbage, rip apart a rug, and then puke up the remnants all over the carpet. I went to change my laundry to find that my wet clothes were laying on the basement floor and his clothes were going through the dryer. And my boyfriend was sitting on the couch with a Pabst in hand watching TV..

Obviously peeved at his lack of respect and his aversion to doing anything relating to a chore (put the dog out in the morning, clean his puke out of the carpet, throw my laundry in the dryer for me, etc..), I told him _Exactly_ what I felt at that moment, we had our argument, not resolved because we both had to leave... he came back late after having a few beers with friends at the bowling alley and proceeded to start snuggling up to me in bed.

Um, no. Sorry, its midnight, I'm still upset, you smell like cheap beer and cigarettes, so this store is closed for business.

On the one hand, you could say that I was completely and totally NOT in the mood (and I wasn't - I had been sleeping for 2 hours already at that time), but I also just didn't want to sleep with him because I was mad at him. So what was it? Was it me not emotionally feeling close enough to be intimate with him? Or was it a punishment? Perhaps it can be both? And should a woman (or man) have to have sex with their SO any time the feeling strikes them? It gets complicated, that's for sure.

[pretzel]

Weapon, no way. Punishment, maybe but from what you said, justified.

As for your question of whether or not someone should have sex with their SO anytime the feeling strikes I'd say no, not as a general rule. I don't believe that having sex just for the sake of it diminishes both the fun aspect and the closeness aspect. To me, that's sort of reduces the importance of the relationship in general.

[KMonte85]

I don't believe that having sex just for the sake of it diminishes both the fun aspect and the closeness aspect. To me, that's sort of reduces the importance of the relationship in general.

Agreed! That's one of the reasons why I wasn't interested as well. #1. I'm asleep, not in the mood at all. #2. I'm still mad at you, jerk! so how would sex be good for either of us anyway?

But it seems the OP likens weapon to punishment. If you argue, why can't you just have sex before it's resolved? Why must a woman resist until the issue has been taken care of? Well, in my case, I wasn't intentionally using sex as a weapon - but I would say, sorry, you're actions have resulted in an equal but not identical reaction (ie No nooky for you tonight.).

I think there are times when this can be appropriate... because really, if a person is upset with their SO, the sex won't be good anyway (at least in my opinion) and both people may end up just as frustrated, if not more, than if they had just resolved their upset feelings beforehand (and then had great makeup sex lol).

[rcoreyus]

I think its a subtle difference. The problem is when you start viewing sex as a "reward" for your SO and only provide it when they do what you want, withhold it when they don't. This is different from only having sex when you feel like it. The difference is whether you "don't feel like it", or they "don't deserve it".

[Texinator]

On the one hand, you could say that I was completely and totally NOT in the mood (and I wasn't - I had been sleeping for 2 hours already at that time), but I also just didn't want to sleep with him because I was mad at him.

You weren't in the mood because you were mad at him. That's not punishment. You didn't say, 'Yeah, I'm in the mood for sex as well, but you messed up and need to learn your lesson, so therefore I won't have sex with you after all.'

[KMonte85]

That's true Tex... I guess the difference is subtle, but it's there - like corey said: there is a difference between 'I'm not in the mood' and 'you don't deserve it'

at least that's how I would like to think of it. I would never want sex to be a reward - it takes the feeling out of it completely.... but it can get questionable in a situation of an argument or upset feelings.

I'm mad at you, therefore I'm not in the mood to have sex with you.

or

I'm mad at you, therefore you don't get the 'gift' of sex from me.

Fine line - and one that should be examined by those who are having conflicting emotions on having (or not having) sex with their SO...

my situation definitely made me think about just why I do or don't have sex - and I have to be careful to know that I'm not doing it because I really just absolutely don't want to, not because I think my boyfriend isn't 'worthy' of it... and I can't say that even though I was mad at him, and it was the middle of the night, that in the back of my mind I was also thinking - no WAY do you deserve to have sex with me right now. You were such a snotbag today - that's the thought process that I (and others) need to be careful to avoid!