[Guest]

Excuse me for asking, but if he's an all around pig, just do you stay with him ??

[geedee]

Yeah pretty much an all around pig. But pig or not it really baffles me why he would think its okay for her to be in eye shot of seeing her mother about to have sex....... it really creeps me out. Anyway thats what I'm trying to enfranchise here is my daughter being right there when he is trying to be sexual...... I've already addressed and won the boxer shorts exposure issue with him.... now I'm having this other issue.

I'd really just like to know opinions on that specific issue... him being sexual with me when she could wake up and see......... and how you would address the issue. Thanks

[Guest]

Well, No means No, simple..

[WildChild]

One solution is to get a baby monitor. They allow you to hear what is happening in the kids bedroom with the door closed. If your daughter wakes or starts talking in her sleep, you will hear her.

This addresses only one aspect. Your man has some problems with boundries. I see nothing wrong with committed adults acting affectionately or flirting around their children. The kids can see that this is part of a normal adult relationship. Unless you practice family nudity, the penis peaking out of the shorts is inappropriate. If you don't live in a culture where everyone sleeps in one room and learns at an early age to ignore sexual activity, initiating or engaging when kids are around is inappropriate. I would be concerned about that.

Even more I am concerned about the night terrors. One of my children had them and it can be very unsettling. I do believe in past life memory and that it can haunt one's sleep. It does seem to run in families. But in many cases there is a much more immediate source. My daughter's involved sleep walking, uncontrollable trembling, and disorientation. She would come walking into the room I was in and tremblingly hug me and then forcefully push away, this would be repeated over and over. She would look terrified. I found that quietly and calmly asking her questions helped. I would ask, "do you know who I am?", "where are you?" She would often have trouble speaking at first but would nod or shake her head and eventually whisper, "mama". Usually she would not know where she was. I would gently point out familiar things, telling her, 'this is our livingroom", "here's the couch, we sat on it and read a book today", "do you see mama's rocking chair?", " there is your toy" - just drawing her back into where she was. Slowly she would be more able to speak, would lose distant, frightened look and just snuggle up and tell me she was scared. We would talk a bit and then I would tuck her back in bed with lots of hugs and kisses.

The concern is why she is experiencing this because night terrors are not the same as just sleepwalking. I got my child into counseling and that really didn't go anywhere, she wouldn't talk to the counselor unless I was there and the counselor's policy was that parent shouldn't be present, in case they were the problem.We had some talks that mama wanted her to talk to the counselor. It generally came down to she was afraid of her father but unwilling to open up. Once her dad and I separated her night terrors dropped off dramatically and once he moved out of state, they stopped entirely. But when we had a situation a few years ago where he was trying to get custody of the (nearly grown) kids, she started trembling uncontrollably, very much as she had with the night terrors, while talking to me about a phone conversation she had with her father. She adamantly refused to see him again at that point. Her unconscious physical/emotional response coupled with what he had said he planned, was enough to prompt me to spend thousands of dollars, months with legal stuff and hours on the stand in court to get my kids the right not to see their father. Unless your child suffers from unfounded anxiety, there is a reason for this and you need to figure it out. I would start with a complete physical and do from there. Don't act panicy or like there is something really wrong with her. Just take a matter of fact, being healthy approach. But 2 +2 = 4. you need figure out what plugs into her equation to equal night terrors.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Wow WC, that must have been hard also for you to watch and be a part of...

OP, this "man" may not be doing anything in-appropriate physically but you state that he doesn't care, thinks it's ok, to have sex even if she wakes up and sees it... You state that you've talked to her, extensively on what is in-appropriate and you believe she would tell you, what if, he's walking around in his boxers when your not looking for instance and a trigger is there for her, but it's not deemed to be in-appropriate to her, as it's just his boxers, maybe he doesn't realise for instance, so she isn't telling you.. What if the night terrors are from him doing that when she was 3, 4, 5, or something, that wasn't sexual as in physical but sexual as in her seeing him and not feeling comfortable?

In what WC has shared above, and the fact he's adamant it's not a problem, it can make sense...

Does she have the same night terrors with her Dad?

If she was to sleep over say an Aunty's house that lived by herself, or Grandma's that lived by herself, would she have night terrors?

I think the key is to establish why, so you can help her get over this, eventually then the door can be closed...

[Hopeless Dork]

I know that we can't play armchair psychiatrist , but if you're asking for opinions I'd have to say the minute you said night terrors and followed it with your boyfriends innappropriate behavior of exposure an alarm bell went off for me. Was she having those sleeping issues before he started sharing a home with you or was it later? Again not saying he must be doing something wrong, just saying... if it were me in your situation, I'd be pretty concerned... and I wouldn't rely on an old talk to do the trick, kids need a lot of reassurance to feel free to talk about things that bother them in that way.

I had heard about good touch bad touch in school but they focused on strangers, not people that are supposed to love you and that confused me. I went on dealing with it on my own for several years without telling because I thought everyone would be mad at ME. I was ashamed of myself for what HE was doing. No one had a clue what I was dealing with.

[geedee]

She has had the sleeping issues since her father and I split up when she was 2. She does the same thing there at his house and up until just maybe 2 years ago she wet the bed almost every night.

She is on meds now for ADD..... I'm not sure if the sleep walking has gotten more frequent because of the meds.... its something I need to address with the neurologist or its just because of puberty??? But honestly my real point is just that I think its inappropriate he would try to grope me with her being able to see if she woke up..... we would never actually have sex with the door open and my boyfriend is really obsessive about making sure she doesn't see him going in and out of shower or changing clothes but the fact he would fall out of his boxer shorts he acted clueless about..... really its more about him just being clueless and inconvenienced that he has to adapt to her being there. I don't know maybe its hard to explain.

The matter of sexual abuse is something we have had to deal with in his family recently actually. A year ago it was discovered that his brother in law had molested my boyfriends sisters daughters for several years..... again another step parent situation........... my boyfriend was very upset about the whole thing and ready to kill this guy if he ever got his hands on him....... this guy has been in jail and because if the nature of what he did he is looking at spending the rest of his life behind bars......... so my point with that is the matter of sexual abuse is right there for my boyfriend to see the consequences......... I don't feel like he is grooming my daughter if he was he'd be pretty stupid because he can see what happens when you get caught. Plus he knows what a close relationship she has with her real father. Anyway I just don't understand why he thinks nothing of groping me where she can see.

I appreciate all the feedback but I wish now I had left out the part about the boxer shorts because I don't really feel like my intended inquiry was answered....... bottom line is he is put off if he has to go out of his way to make sure the kids are protected............ weather it be from hearing him swear all the time, or him groping their mother in front of them. I just need to figure out a way to address this matter of the groping with him like I did the boxers so he gets where I'm coming from.

I like the idea of the baby monitor.... that could work but again that would be something I'm sure he would be put out he'd have to go turn on before he comes and tries to turn me on! hahaha................... We're talking about a guy who has zero romance level and who really just seems to not consider anyone else but himself sometimes. Thanks for listening

[CharlesV]

The daughters had night terrors since before you even met this bloke.

This bloke has completely had his privacy destroyed by an open door to his bedroom overprotective policy.

And yet, he gets the finger pointed straight at him.

You need privacy and space to be grown ups in, not live under the spotlight of an 11 year old.

THis bloke sounds like a saint to be honest, and its not even his daughter.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Charles, the same can be said, that the boyfriend was advised of the night terrors, 9 years ago, and is still in this relationship, he accepted that and you miss the point that they have 1 week on, 1 week off, so he has 7 days of free sex in the bedroom each fortnight...

In addition no one is pointing the finger, the OP is asking a question, she needs answers for, so I advise people to try to help the OP, what can she do, to convince the boyfriend, that it would be awkward, and morally perhaps in-correct if the daughter saw them having sex..

The situation is there, full stop, one that the OP is trying to address, correct and rectify for her daughter.. Any parent would be frightened to leave a girl who sleep walks in a room whereby they don't know she's doing it, as she could go outside, get run over, I'm gobsmaked at your answer to be honest and at 2, a step dad is exactly that.... It's still his daughter.

Please, guys, lets see if we have some solutions to the OP's quesiton.
CW

[geedee]

Thanks Chandlers Wish! That is exactly my issue....... its actually really helping me talk (type and read) this through and all the feedback is helpful. CharlesV is a little off but thats okay its his/her opinion.

I think I've decided to really sit down and talk to him about the big picture...... and if I have to get specific like I did with the boxer shorts issue then I'll do that.......... really I just wanted to get opinions if I was being overly prude about the groping situation........ it just doesn't settle with me....... I mean thats my daughter, I just don't want her seeing her mom groped like that.

Thanks for all the feedback!!!