[mikeshaw411]

My wife is 26 years old. When she's drunk, she lets everything out on the table. My wife has been with 10 other men before me. This was never a problem for me, but when she gets drunk and starts talking about the positions they did and how big they were, it really irritates me. When I tell her that she needs to keep quiet and not cause a scene, she tells me "It was before you and I dated so you can't be mad at me".

I've been with double the amount of people she has been with, but I NEVER tell her details about my past sexual experiences, even if she asks. The only thing I've ever told her is the names of the people and how old they were..thats it.

The final straw was last weekend. We were at a festival and we met up with two girls she knows, who are white, and have kids with black men, and my wife is nice to their faces but talk bad about them behind their backs, saying that they are trash because they are "too pretty to be sleeping with black men". Anyways,she saw this big black guy that she went to high school with. He ended up playing college football for a big university. She told him Hi and we went along with out business. LAter on that night, she gets drunk and when we were driving home, she confesses that she slept with that black guy in high school, just to see if the rumors about black men are true.

I think she does this to get a rise out of me...and it's really p*ssing me off. I talk to her about it when she's sober, but she denies any of it. She says she doesnt remember saying any of it and that now, "she never slept with that black guy"

What do I do?

[SaharaJim]

It seems to me that the problem here has less to do with your wife's sexual history than with her use of alcohol. What i am hearing is that when she gets to drinking she begins to behave in a thoughtless and inconsiderate manner and then denies that she did it when she sobers up. If this is correct she needs to realize that alcohol is going to; if it has not already, cause serious problems. She can either give up the alcohol or ride that elevator all the way down. You need to decide if you are going to go with her if she stays on the elevator. She needs to get a Subtle Substance Abuse assessment Inventory. This will tell her if she has a serious problem. Then SHE has to decide if she is going to do something about it. If she doesn't. RUN.

[Texasred]

Lots of folks, when they're drunk, their true personality doesn't exactly "come out," but it can rear its ugly head: this is what's happening with your wife. She apparently has some "issues," but only when she's drunk does her self-control drop to where she vents them.

She is intentionally trying to hurt you: keep that in mind. The fact she's doing it only while drunk - at least right now - doesn't change that fact.

What she's doing is intentionally trying to provoke you, for some reason known only to her: she apparently resents something about you and/or your relationship with her, and when she's drunk that resentment comes out, manifesting itself as these crude attempts to hurt you.

You should either (a) not let her get drunk around you, by either keeping drink away from her or by leaving if she insists on drinking to excess; or (b) insist that she get some professional (mental) help in resolving her "issues," either with you - like marriage counseling - or alone.

Or both.

Your only tool in persuading her to do this is to tell her you refuse to be around someone who behaves this way, and you will remove yourself from her presence if she doesn't change her ways.

[WildChild]

True. Alcohol doesn't really change people, it just gives and excuse to do what would otherwise be unacceptable (and still is anyway).

[Hopeless Dork]

I've always been told a drunk man (or woman in this case) speaks a sober mind. Its a social drink because it lowers inhibitions, people can 'let their hair down' so to speak, loosen up... its in those lose moments that you will see some people stay the way they always are... which goes a long way to pointing they don't wear a mask and are themselves when sober, albeit more silly... but I agree with the others that her gaurd is down, the mask is off when she's drunk and while she may be spinning tall tales (whos to know whats true and what are embellishments... drunk ppl do fib too), her intent to hurt or embarass you is there... its probably there when she's sober but she is able to control herself and with her control gone from alchohol, she is able to say what she wants , be cruel , then have a built in excuse the next day.

How is your relationship outside of when she talks about this stuff? Are you guys happy? Do you think she feels she has a reason to be vindictive to you? Does she think maybe you are cheating? Does she have low self -esteem? Do you ever make her feel like she is less in your eyes? Because it sounds like she is trying to do that to you so I am just grasping here, wondering if she isn't trying to get back at you for some perceived wrong? Or is she really just that mean?

When she is sober is she loving and kind? Does she protect your feelings? Is she callous and cold?

[vancityguy]

well coming from another guy i have give you credit....i would have lost my marbles a while back...there's no excuse that is NOT cool...you could always start bringing up your past sex life or even make up some bs fantasy story to just blow her mind and make her shush up a bit... but then your getting on her level and that will most likely not work out too well....tell her you dont want to be around her when she drinks.