[glamblueeyes]

Hello,

Here is some background:

I am 31 years old married to a gentleman 11 years my senior for almost 6 years. We have one beautiful toddler together. Ever since I got pregnant in 2007 our sex life has gone downhill and has progressively gotten worse. I have always been the agressor and initiator with sex. We used to have it a couple of times a week. Now its once a month or once every month and a half, and only occurs if I initiate it first.

The problem:

I kindly ask for it and my husband will agree and say yes tonight that sounds great. Then the night comes and nothing happens. Husband goes straight to bed, no action. Yes we have a toddler who is in her terrible two's who takes alot of our energy out of us, but still. In the last several weeks I have been promised sex 3 times and no follow thru. My husband is not messing around I already know this for a fact it just seems like he is not interested in sex anymore. He won't do counceling. He is definitely aware of my concern, I have cried about it to him, wrote letters, have had many conversations about it, kindly asked for it. He makes empty promises and hardly follows through. Its almost as if we have to go out and have some fun and him get into the mood for anything sexual to occur. Now I am getting to the point where I am so unhappy and depressed about the lack of love I am receiving it is affecting me everyday. Even at work I am unhappy. I have tried to go for personal counceling for just me and those councelors make me feel worse by telling me my husband needs to be there with me that it takes two to grow a garden. I totally get that but I need help in just dealing with the rejection I am receiving and the lack of love I am not receiving. I have purchased books for marriage help and even audio books for self help. Still stumped here. I don't want to give up I love my husband he is a terrific provider but our sex is dead and I am plain tired of getting rejected. Divorce usually comes up in the back of my mind because the hurt is too much to keep enduring over and over. I have tried to dress up, look nice I am nearly the same weight I was when we were dating-still he just acts like I am just a companion. He is affectionate sometimes, but not very romantic how I desire. Again, I have expressed this tons of times, most recently I told him I cannot live the rest of my life feeling like this he promised to work on it and said we would have action tonight and guess what? He is sleeping right now! He won't get help or counceling, its his ego or whatever, he is stubborn. We have had tons of fights about it. I tried reverse psychology and just acted like I am uninterested in sex and just go about my day, but I am a human being I can only lean back for so long! Nothing works...if anyone knows of something else I can try please tell me. Simply trying to seduce this man won't work...thanks.

[Texasred]

Its almost as if we have to go out and have some fun and him get into the mood for anything sexual to occur.

Okay then... why not do that?
Maybe he sees you as a mother now, not as a lover, and he needs to see the "lover" side again, in an environment away from the home where the "mother" side of you lives.
Worth a try, eh?

(Who'd have ever thought a man would need "romancing" to get in the mood? Well, you read through the posts on these fora, and you'll see that this is actually pretty common, that men and women are more alike than either sex will admit.)

[glamblueeyes]

Thanks for the reply..."Date night" is what its called which is great and its healthy for a marriage to keep it going right? But for action to only occur when we can get a babysitter and leave the house isn't always convenient or appreciated. I have suggested a date night at home where he and I can be intimate at least every week-even if nothing happens I appreciate the cuddling-he agrees and again NOTHING HAPPENS. This is always initiated by me...what do I need to do to get my man to chase me and not the other way around? How do I get him to ask me on a date? I've tried to be quiet and wait for him to come to me, but I tell you I will be getting some gray hairs if I wait too long...lol thx.

[WildChild]

Does he have any performance issues?
Does he watch porn?
What do you do to keep it juicy throughout the day?
Try sending sexy texts, slipping a note in his pocket for him to find later. Send him photos, just little glimpses of progressively more interesting bits of you?
Can you build some anticipation throughout the day?

[glamblueeyes]

No performance issues whatsover...just notice it takes alot to get him turned on but once he is turned on its all good. We do watch porn together to get turned on-not on a regular basis but I am open to any help here. But he doesn't watch it solo. In the past, when we first started having issues and up until a couple of months ago I used to be nakid when he got home from work. I would wear lingerie to bed. I would offer massages then give BJ and seduce him. But eventually he started rejecting me and telling me he is tired, so the desire for me to do all that stuff went away. I used to do the sexy texts/emails all the time until recently, again just tired of the one way street. Why does it have to be me seducing him always? I understand what you are saying its just old to me and I'm tired of being rejected and the agressor...thanks for the tips

[Colorado]

If I may be so blunt...

Something else is going on. I would guess it's probably medical or fear or both.

Couldn't agree more!

Happened with me! and let me tell you, it's not going to be easy, at least it wasnt for me; but, it doesnt sound like your giving up so here goes:

Your initial post sounds EXACTLY like me about a year ago, and to be honest - I was very tired, and sex became a chore... seriously. I didn't even masterbate for very long periods of time. After she started getting very frustrated, and started talking about leaving, I started listening and finally decided that I would get over myself and see a doc about it, which was a bit harder for me because my doc is female. She had me do some tests (bloodwork), and sure enough my testosterone was low - which by the way led to a more problematic outcome - low bone density. Anyhow, she had me start ANDROGEL, and let me tell you - WOOHOO! - I started feeling like a human again - not so tired, and libido? THROUGH THE ROOF! As I put it in another post, I now get hard if there is a strong wind! I feel like I did when I was a teenager, and man, the wife? Well lets say she gets all she has ever desired and I think I'm gaining gound on the deficit that I accumulated when I was Test-Low.

Now, the hard part I eluded to is this - YOU have to help him understand that this may be the situation and encourage him to see a doc. Not easy because he may deny it - after all, that means he is getting older - and no-one like to hear that he is not the stud he used to be. I guarantee he doesnt like that this is happening to him either - I know I despised it - I knew there was something wrong, but just went with the flow, and ignored it. Now looking back - sheesh - how friggin stupid I was to do that. I'm SOOooooo glad I got this diagnosed, and the kid in me is back baby! He will feel the same, but be prepared (if this IS the issue), because he will be chasing you around the house every night and possibly every morning as well.

Hope this helps.