[aj2sheds]

Hi . . . I've been having some emotional turbulence regarding orgasm, and I was just wondering if anyone else has/has had similar issues and could offer any advice. I'm 22 (female) and I lost my virginity about three and a half months ago to my first serious, real-life, long-term boyfriend. I hadn't really had any major sexual encounters before then; I was a late bloomer and my previous experiences essentially consisted of giving a few guys oral (and really no kissing or anything romantic; they weren't bad guys for the most part, but they just didn't touch). I'm living abroad for a year for studies and my bf and I didn't see each other very much before I left and only had sex three times, but he arranged for me to come home for a week in about a month's time so we could have a little time together.

Now, it's like I have a tornado of weird feelings related to this going through me, and I guess the major problem is that I have never been able to orgasm. I experimented with masturbation for the better part of three years (I didn't really have a sex drive until I was 18/19) but was never able to get there; when I first started I was so inept that a close male friend had to show me where my vagina and clitoris were. I tried so many different methods and techniques but I couldn't get there on my own, and eventually it just became this huge obstacle to be overcome. I could get close, but I could never push myself off the cliff, so to speak, and now, I'm almost kind of scared of it. It's like . . . it's been this looming thing for so long that now the idea just freaks me out. My boyfriend tried so hard to get me there, with oral and fingering, etc. but I can't relax enough to make it work. I really do feel slightly terrified of it.

It also makes me feel selfish - that if I orgasm, it takes something away from the guy in the equation because I'm focusing on me and not on him. I think I sort of understand where this idea is coming from - for a few years I acted as sort of a webcam stripper for soldiers deployed to the Middle East (not something I'm hugely proud of, but probably relevant), and that end up kind of taking the place of a normal sex life and normal real-life sexual relationships. I also got very used to doing what it was they wanted and not really considering myself as a viable part of the equation. I know that was my fault but now it's manifesting itself in real life in this relationship, and I don't know how to get past the idea that it's not selfish of me. Every guy I've talked to about it has assured me that it's completely ridiculous and any guy worth his salt wants his girl to feel good like that, but I can't work past it.

Has anyone else ever felt this way or had a similar issue, either being afraid to orgasm or of thinking it's selfish to want to? I really want to keep this from becoming an even bigger problem, and I don't want my bf to feel inadequate because I can't orgasm, or like he's doing a bad job of things. He actually does very well - gets me incredibly close, but at the last second I have him stop because I get so scared of it. If anyone has a similar story or advice, I'd be very grateful . . .

[stressed]

It's possible that you don't orgasm because you're used to focusing on the other's pleasure instead of yours (I've also wondered about this about myself). It's also possible that you can't because you've connected orgasm to something selfish: the others orgasm because they want to and didn't care about you, therefore if you'd do the same you'd also be selfish.

However, many women cannot reach an orgasm with or without such thoughts. Most say it's basically mental and partly up to your guy making you feel relaxed and doing what you like.

Since your boyfriend brings you close and you ask him to stop, you are much closer than many other women and it's up to you to allow it to happen or not. It's nothing to be afraid of, it's not selfish and it's definitely going to bring you closer to your boyfriend. It was selfish of the guys to watch you for their own pleasure, without considering you at all, but this is not how sex is.

Masturbation is selfish, not sex.

[aj2sheds]

I agree with you that it's largely mental now; for the longest time I thought it was primarily physical because I couldn't do it myself, but now that I can get so close with help I know it's my head screwing with things. When I'm at that point, what runs through my head is "Oh _ _ _ _ !" and then I get tensed, nervous, and basically just freak out a little bit and can't continue with it. I honestly have no idea why I'm so scared of it, but your statements on the feeling selfish aspect make a lot of sense. Thanks

[ItsASecret]

There is nothing physically to be afraid of. You already feel that peak, what comes next is a release of tingles all over your body and some clenching (spasms) of your vaginal muscles. It is over in a few seconds most of the time.

Many guys think it is their goal to make their partner orgasm, and yet some women still cannot no matter how hard the guy tries. If a guy is able to get you to the point of orgasm there is no reason to feel selfish, you are giving them what they want which is simply for you to feel good. Read on this site the number of women that cannot even get those peaking feelings. I barely can myself no matter how many tongue twirls or finger pushes my bf uses on me.

[sungem77]

youve got to get these ideas about selfishness out of your head. sex is about both people.anyone who cares for you will actually get pleaure from giving you pleasure and visa versa. have you tried a vibrator? they defintiely help. be patient relax breathe deeply. maybe have a glass of wine or a hot bath or anything else that helps get you relaxed. youre not selfish. havong an orgasm is one of the most, if not the most natural wonderful healthy physical things we can experience. it will come. not pun intended

[marmar86]

And I dont think masturbation is selfish when you are single, or away from your partner either! I think its natural and normal. Vibrators make it impossible for me not to have an orgasm as long as Im turned on

[stressed]

And I dont think masturbation is selfish when you are single, or away from your partner either! I think its natural and normal. Vibrators make it impossible for me not to have an orgasm as long as Im turned on

Well...I think it's selfish anyway. When you're single or the partner is away you just have no other choice... I mean it in the sense of "you only care about your self at the time, no one else". Hence why over-doing it creates poor lovers.

[jenn89]

Sometimes women are afraid of "losing control" by having an orgasm--it's a very vulnerable moment and they are insecure about it, especially if they've never had one before. They may even worry about making a mess somehow, that their lubrication will stain the sheets or that they'll pee or something. One thing to try to deal with these concerns is to pick a time when you're completely alone, can't be seen or heard or interrupted, and when you have plenty of time. Put down some towels, get some lube, and then just relax and do whatever feels good. Don't even worry whether you have an orgasm or not. Worrying about having one is the surest way not to have one. Just do things that feel good and learn about your body and your reactions and what you like. It may take a few sessions, but at some point you'll probably be excited and comfortable enough to have an orgasm.

As for feeling selfish about having an orgasm during sex . . . don't! :-) My fiance gets incredibly excited whenever I have an orgasm, especially when it's during intercourse. It makes him feel like a capable lover and that he's doing something for me. It turns him on so much that he usually has his own orgasm shortly after mine. There's nothing selfish about it--a lot of men simply love it and I'm sure they aren't there thinking about how "selfish" you're being. So think of having an orgasm as something you're doing for your boyfriend, not something you're taking away from him.

HTH. :-)

[aj2sheds]

Maybe it is the fear of the unknown like you say, Jenn. I guess I really just need to make sure I'm totally relaxed and try not to worry about it; I know that worrying about it isn't going to do me any good at all. Someone mentioned a hot bath and a glass of wine, that might just do the trick to get in that state. Thanks so much you guys; you've been really helpful

[Little_Man_in_the_Boat]

Only thing you have to fear about orgasm is fear it self.

Orgasm is so erotic for the guy believe me I should know.

After 5 hours of effective stimulation I was fortunate to be on the end of an orgasm that was just amazing, when i say amazing it really was a life changing event.

The shock for me was the keegle muscles clasping tightly to "me" and then rythmically and spasmodically contracting which just sends you through the roof OMG if feels good, good just cant explain how amazing it really is.

I just decided to just go with it and not freak out.

PM if you want to know more.