[funlovingmale]

I had a girlfriend that started off being quite 'agressive' or perhaps 'rough' in bed. She would ride me like a bucking bronco and it didn't do it for me. I asked her to slow down. I am a fan of 'slow and passionate', though. She had had about 20 partners before me.

[Texasred]

CW's right, a lot of folks think "assertive" and "aggressive" mean the same thing, and I sometimes fall into that, but I interpret a woman's expressing what she wants as "assertive," and that's a good thing! while aggressive has more to do with taking the initiative, making the first move, or just plain taking control.
Either one is fine with me, as long as we can take turns!

[chaya]

Before we were committed, my husband was always the perfect gentleman. Even though I tried for about a month to seduce him, he remained true to his beliefs. During that time I was definitely aggressive but it didn't do me any good. It wasn't until after we were committed and engaged, that we started to have sex. It never occurred to me that I might be turning him off by my aggressive behavior.

To this day, I am almost always the one that initiates sex. It bothers me a little that he is shy about asking for sex. There have been a few times that I feel crappy because my diabetes is out of whack and I have a headache; that I realized he wants sex but was too shy to ask. He will just lay there and keep moving around, sighing instead of going to sleep. So I ask him if he wants to do it and he is ready in a flash. At these times I usually can't climax but enjoy pleasing him

So am I being assertive or aggressive?

[CHANDLERS WISH]

I don't see that as being aggressive...

You were assertive when you met him " a person who knows what they want" and isn't afraid to go for it....

Now, your purely being the leader, trying to work out the communication between the pair of you and at the same time, reading the signals which is a good thing...

You could, also place his hand on your breast, showing that you would like something, making it more equal....

He's feeling his way, he waiting until marriage, it takes time to get to know each other's wants, needs..

CW

[Hopeless Dork]

I don't think what you described is aggressive or assertive, it actually sounds... compassionate... like you know he wants you and you want to make him feel good. If he jumps at the chance when you inniciate I don't think he's being turned off by you offering up your body to him. If he was stand-offish to your advances I'd say just do subtle sexy things, make it clear you are available but let him lead. But it doesn't sound like he's being stand offish at all it sounds like he's trying to be not too demanding and appreciates when you give him the green light.

I think once a couple is committed to each other, have been together awhile... its a good idea to shake it up to keep things exciting and fun. Sometimes taking the lead and doing all the seducing and sometimes just showing you are in a playful mood and letting him take charge. But what matters is what works for you guys... if you get made love to when you want to be close to him, and he's got you over there paying attention to his cues that he's ready... it sounds like you guys have a balanced situation going on only he innicates with sighs and behaving restlessly and you innicate with words.

The fact that you pay attention to those lil sighs and know him well enough to know what he needs/wants... speaks volumes of how much you love him and want to make him happy and doesn't come off as aggressive at all to me.

[Texinator]

Do you think sexually aggressive women are a turnoff or intimidating to men? Does it matter whether she's had a higher number of sex partners or is only that way within a committed relationship?

I know they're intimidating to some men. Too many people still have the false idea that women couldn't/shouldn't be interested in sex, and so they think there's something wrong with a woman who knows what she wants or is even willing to take charge in the bedroom.

But I think women can be just as if not sometimes even more assertive/aggressive then men, and I think it's a beautiful thing, so I don't mind at all. Quite the opposite.

How many sex partners or boyfriends she had before me is irrelevant, and all I ask is that doesn't have any additional sex partners or boyfriends while she's with me... haha...

[Texasred]

...He's feeling his way, he waiting until marriage, it takes time to get to know each other's wants, needs..

CW

CW, I think you've misread: Chisaki is now married - she refers to him as her husband. The husband is, I think, being overly passive, or perhaps passive/aggressive is a better description. At any rate, he's not adequately communicating his desires - but then, there's a lot of that going around, isn't there?