[JustBeingMe]

I cant get bring her to orgasm...

I am 37 and she is 40, and I have been with her for almost a year. I have only been able to make her orgasm once with my fingers, never with oral. With sex she can only orgasm on top. She also has a really high sex drive.

I know she can orgasm through oral and fingers - I know this from our open and frank discussions and seen her do it with her fingers many many times. We also use toys so I know she can. I can give her a g-spot orgasm with my fingers to where she ejaculates/squirts but she says she prefers a clitoral orgasm.

This problem is going to end our relationship I am sure, as it's something we have talked about rather often me not being able to make her orgasm and she says this is the missing part of our relationship - she's not satisfied sexually. She has said is she more than happy emotionally, but sexually very frustrated.

Orally, the problem is I can get her "almost there", but my tongue gets tired (maybe this is an excuse on my part?) and I lose the rhythm, and she "loses it". With my hands I just cant seem to do it - again I get her close a couple times but she loses it each time with only 1 time success.

At this point I feel so much pressure to make it happen, that it also gives me performance anxiety sexually (sometimes cant get as hard, or instead of lasting 30 minutes I last 10 minutes). I have read or watched every book or video on the subject trying to help me out too looking for a new technique to help.

I have never had a problem in the past with any female getting her to orgasm manually or orally - so this also bothers me a lot.

I have also extended other areas of foreplay so that she is much closer before I go down on her so that the time needed to bring her to climax orally or manually is less but to no avail.

I do know the exact spot (diagonal movement towards the top left of her clit) that she likes - BUT FOR SOME REASON I JUST CANT BRING HER TO ORGASM. I really want her to enjoy the sexual side of our relationship.

Any thoughts that might help me out here? Thanks!

[jns]

Does she tell you what feels good during sex? How long are you giving her oral? At the time you are giving her oral, are you using your hands elsewhere? How are you using your tongue? Is she laying on her back, her side or is she on top, either sitting up or in a 69 type of position? Have you tried to use your hands while kissing and exploring every inch of her head and neck? The good news is that she orgasms, you just have to find the key.

[Guest]

I can’t get bring her to orgasm...

Yes, you can, you just need to learn or re-learn how to do so.

I am 37 and she is 40, and I have been with her for almost a year. I have only been able to make her orgasm once with my fingers, never with oral. With sex she can only orgasm on top. She also has a really high sex drive.

I am no expert but I can tell you that I have been there recently and am, quite frankly, still working through some performance issues with my mate(who also has a very high sex drive).

I know she can orgasm through oral and fingers - I know this from our open and frank discussions and seen her do it with her fingers many many times. We also use toys so I know she can. I can give her a g-spot orgasm with my fingers to where she ejaculates/squirts but she says she prefers a clitoral orgasm.

You’ve “seen her do it many many times, but have you watched where and how she does it exactly? The KEY to a clitoral orgasm, in my opinion, is to use your pubic bone to rub her clit while on top and thrusting in and out. I spent twenty five years on top in the wrong position, making the wrong contact.

Try moving your entire body up on hers so that your chest (nipples) are in her face. The higher you can get, the more contact your pubic bone will make with her clitoral area as you thrust. Also make sure that you are not holding yourself up with your arms to the point that you are holding yourself away in the lower regions. The key, in my opinion, is a constant pressure with your pubic bone while thrusting.

This problem is going to end our relationship I am sure, as it's something we have talked about rather often me not being able to make her orgasm and she says this is the missing part of our relationship - she's not satisfied sexually. She has said is she more than happy emotionally, but sexually very frustrated.

It doesn’t have to! I can “hear” the concern/frustration/hurt in what you’ve typed. I’ve been there and still am to some degree, so I can relate first hand to what you’re going through. My partner did leave me and has since returned. I have vowed to never let that happen again and help others not experience it.

Orally, the problem is I can get her "almost there", but my tongue gets tired (maybe this is an excuse on my part?) and I lose the rhythm, and she "loses it". With my hands I just cant seem to do it - again I get her close a couple times but she loses it each time with only 1 time success.

Does your neck get sore? Or just your tongue get tired? If it’s just your tongue, you’re working too hard and too fast. Only in porn films does that stuff look reasonable. If your neck gets sore, which can lead to your tongue getting tired prematurely, prop her butt up on some pillows so you have a better angle at which to approach her. Long slow strokes across the entire area with your tongue will help get her ready for what’s to cum…she is! Only near the end, at the height of her physical pleasure, do I increase the speed and focus exclusively on her clit. Many men, myself included for a while, focus only on the clit (head) when in fact, we should be focusing on the entire clitoral region. Think of the clit as a dandelion without leaves. The flower is the clit head, then there’s a shaft and roots. Same for the clitoral area…there’s a shaft and roots, all of which can/should be stimulated.

At this point I feel so much pressure to make it happen, that it also gives me performance anxiety sexually (sometimes cant get as hard, or instead of lasting 30 minutes I last 10 minutes). I have read or watched every book or video on the subject trying to help me out too looking for a new technique to help.

Performance anxiety sucks! Had that too! For a very long time. Mostly due to pride…mine and not being willing to seek the support of meds that are available. I finally went ot my primary care physician and got a script for an ED drug…the blue one. While it didn’t “fix” anything, it did allow me to stay harder a lot longer, which then allowed me to focus on other things while not being concerned about losing my erection.

Have you read She Comes First by Ian Kerner Ph.D. ? How about the One Hour Orgasm by Leah Schwartz Ph.D. ? I know that you said that “you’ve read them all and seen them all” but this sounds more like frustration than anything. There is also a thread in this forum on books….look for those suggested by moderator WildChild. She is very good with her recommendations.

I have never had a problem in the past with any female getting her to orgasm manually or orally - so this also bothers me a lot.

It sounds like me….no problems and then all of a sudden! Wham! No performance. It sucks! But it can be worked through…I did it…I know you can do it.

I have also extended other areas of foreplay so that she is much closer before I go down on her so that the time needed to bring her to climax orally or manually is less but to no avail.

Open your mind to further reading and insights from this forum. Take your time. Make your lovemaking a marathon and not a sprint. Learn to enjoy her entire body from head to toe. It all adds up to a better orgasm for her and for you.

I do know the exact spot (diagonal movement towards the top left of her clit) that she likes - BUT FOR SOME REASON I JUST CANT BRING HER TO ORGASM. I really want her to enjoy the sexual side of our relationship.

I know that you are frustrated, probably hurt, a bit angry with yourself. I’ve been there, am still there to a point and I know it takes time to work through.

Any thoughts that might help me out here? Thanks!

[lizzardb63]

I think she is putting too much pressure on you. Maybe she should play with her clit while you have sex. Also- it shouldnt end your relationship. Just gotta work through it together.

[Hopeless Dork]

The first thing that needs to happen is the pressure to orgasm needs to be removed from the bedroom (or kitchen or backseat of your car, wherever!! lol) Your intimacy together should be about pleasure, about making each other feel good, teasing, touching, loving, being sexy and naughty and fun. It sounds like the 2 of you have turned it into a chore, a quest for her orgasm... when the pressure is likely affecting both of you. She's probably overthinking it as well which can delay her orgasm, and then you are left with all this insecurity and its just not even necessary.

If you go into your love-making with no goal except to be close to each other and feel good ... the orgasms will follow. If you treat it like a millitary operation with back up plans and strategies -- it robs you guys of the fun and spontaneity.

Give her oral in a position that you have ultimate access and that you are COMPLETELY physically comfy in. Kneel by the side of the bed or arm of the couch.. where the inside of her legs is lined up perfectly with your mouth.. where there is no reason to bend your neck or get in awkward positions. Alternate your tongue and fingers in ways that allows for breaks to both... use them both togther ... use one or the other.. just mix and match until you feel her getting close.. thats when you give your all to the situation and NOT change up what you are doing... just intensify it.

If your tongue gets momentarily tired use your lips to provide pressure to her clit, suck down on the area, kiss it hard with closed lips pressing your head into it with force. I think sometimes guys can be 'too gentle'...if she is grabbing you by the head and pulling you in... it means she either wants you to keep it right there or she is trying to get even harder stimulation so go with it.

Does she stimulate her own clitoris when you guys make love? That right there is the EASIEST way to achieve orgasm during intercourse for most women. It allows her to feel the awesome sensations your penis provides coupled with the familiar strokes and rubs that she knows will get her there.

And just don't force yourself to stick to some agenda, like if she doesn't come before you do than thats that... try again tomorrow. Instead if you get her close then you orgasm, why not recoup, rest a bit then go back to touching and licking on her. Sex doesn't have to end with your ejaculation.. it can continue with your touches.

[WildChild]

Arousal is about more than foreplay, or foreplay is about more than the time you are actively engaged in sex or leading up to sex.

I've dealt with some of this myself. With some partners I've been pretty much instantly orgasmic. It all just clicks and I can literally cum at the moment of pentration and then again and again. But with other partners it has taken some time to get in sync and with still others it just doesn't seem to happen. For me, there is such a thing as too much directed foreplay. If you build up arousal and are ready and then pass that point, arousal levels subside, you can build the levels by peaking and calming repeatedly but you do have to know what you are doing with that or you'll just frustrate your partner and yourself.

I see this as a combination of factors. The chemistry has to be there between you, there has to be desire on both sides, attitude and mental state are important. A woman's arousal isn't just about a man actively trying to bring her to orgasm.

She has to keep herself what I think of as being on simmer or keeping it juicy, men can do this too. You can help, a lot, but this really comes down to state of being. Part of this is living sensuously, surrounding yourself with things that bring you pleasure to see, use and be around. This doesn't have to mean spending lots of money but rather being selective. Color, texture, sound, appearance, taste, its a matter of engaging and pleasing your senses throughout your day. Having appreciation for what you have is part of it, for example, my car is ollld and it has what some people would consider problems, I choose to call them quirks and see them as part of the car's personality. She's not running right now but for the most part we get along just fine and I'm happy to drive her anywhere and I'll park in between a Merc and a Hummer and feel right at home - its about attitude. You have to have it with everything.

You each have to do this for yourself. But you can do it together. Its all the little stuff. The passing qucik but passionate kiss while you are working on a project. Slipping up behind her, wrapping your arms around her waist and nuzzling her neck and then going on about what you need to get done. Sharing the antics of a creature in the yard, the sunrise or sunset, a passage from what you are reading that really struck a note for you. A pat on the bottom as you pass, a gentle hand running down their back. Stretching sensuously when you need to. Taking care of yourself. Having good health and hygene habits, not just as sort of check list but with some enjoyment. It all adds up to loving yourself, loving your partner, loving your life and treating all three as if you are in love with them and not just when you want sex.

Expand foreplay into all parts of your life. Each couple has what works for them. Involve a lot of verbal play as well as touching. Mix it up with some subtle and some overt, have fun with it. There really shouldn't be anything off limits but try to respect others limits. When a women stays on simmer, she is much more responsive and happier all the time.

Women should check out Mama Gena. I don't agree with her on everything but she has this nailed! You men folk are a big part of the picture but it isn't all on you. Just as your arousal and interest isn't all on her. Take some of the pressure off both of you and expand your pleasure in each other and your lives to encompass the whole 24 hours.

[Sumerain]

take her on her side and tell her to play with her clit while you are in her ..or do it yourself ..works for me.
or get her to ride the outa you . she knows what she wants and how to get herself to cum

[tinycit]

Nothing to add here except to say that Hopeless Dork nailed it. A wealth of information packed into that post!

[cashybum]

You've already gotten alot of great advice. I just wanted to send a note of encouragement and I hope it works out for you. The fact that you're so dedicated to her pleasure is making me hot just thinking about it. ;o) Good luck.

[evaone]

don't get disappointed because you know the fact that you wanted her to meet her orgasm, just explore more and i believe you will be expert when it comes to this. your partner will not complain anything,, Good luck