[Butterflylily]

If you cheat, you will reinforce every insecurity he has, and he will feel even LESS of a man. I do not believe cheating is your answer.

From what I have read, your bf is your friend...and that's basically all he is. He's a passive insecure guy and you feel sorry for him.

He's not "saving himself for marriage". He's telling you, "I don't want to have sex...and even though I know it's important to you, I'm not willing to get help for my issues so that maybe we can have a healthy sex life". Yet you say this man loves you so much.... really? He loves you so much but he's willing to deprive you of a healthy happy sex life because of some insecurities he has....and even though he knows how bad you want that, he's not willing to get help for this? Does that sound like a man that truly loves you? Doesn't to me. To me, it sounds like a man who has some serious issues, who has found a comfortable place (you) that feels sorry for him and is afraid she'll feel bad about herself if she leaves him.

This relationship is on a road to disaster........ you two are incompatible. Cheating isn't going to fix that.

I understand but, seeing as the way he says "I understand if you'll ever cheat on me" shows me he does care and yesterday I saw hes been searching help on his history, only the wrong kind of help, everytime he searches whats wrong with him people make him feel worse. I do feel sad for him but its not pity, theres a big difference between feeling sorry and caring for someone you love, cause I really love him. however... your kinda a little, just a little, making him sound like a bad selfish person or something, when hes the complete opposite, Ill admit hes insecure and shy etc, but hes a great guy, and the most handsome, attractive one Ive met (So far) but Id rather have a good man, than a man that is so confident and secure that would cheat on me and flirt with god knows how many women.


The main problem here is hes not sure If he can pleasure me, thats the main reason why this is going the way it is, this problem he has has probably been with him for idk how long and well if you bottle things up things get worse in time we all know that. I wont cheat on him, even if My mind does, and yeah sex is important to me but I wouldnt leave a guy like him just to f-ck someone else.


Important thing about me is I belive sex without Love is pointless and well..wasteless (atleast for me), we've shared so much in life, and I dont want to cheat on him just cause of this, I thought Id be ok with it but thats why im here...these days my mind has been taking over and confusing me I just want some advice to let him know and convince him that he can pleasure me.


But how do I make him believe that? when his past ex's and everywhere he goes he gets the same answers and he feels worse and worse believing id rather masturbate than be with him?

[Butterflylily]

This is going to sound terrible coming from someone you don't know but there are a few things you should try, and/or talk to him about.
First would be why he has such insecurities. You are going to have to stand your ground when you ask him to talk because if you don't, inwardly he's going to know you'll back off because he gets uncomfortable. This is the same thing they will do with him in therapy, only you are helping him instead of some over paid butt munch. If you back off, you are giving him more power to keep holding his issues bottled up. This is very unhealthy for him.

Next, I would ask him how he felt about a little power play. Now, this may be unfamiliar territory for the both of you, but with the way you have explained him (very little yet enough for most of us to understand him) I think he needs a little bit more PUSH in the sexual department. I'm sure he masturbates when you aren't around to get his stress level down--but you should take initiative and start messing around. If he says stop, ask him why. Ask him what about the whole situation makes him uncomfortable. Then help him over come that uncomfortable feeling. You'll again have to stand your ground. Now, I'm not telling you to rape the poor guy, but be firm, add a little dominance to the situation, take charge. If he just absolutely refuses to talk or do anything then he doesn't want you.

yea, it's hard to hear but he doesn't want you if he isn't willing to seek help for himself for his issues, isn't willing to talk to you about his issues or he isn't willing to have you help him move passed his issues. Some hard decisions need to be made my dear and i wish you good luck.

Thanks and yeah I think I should be more rough with him, He does make me feel wanted (sorry for not clearing that out), he touches me and hes used toys on me. Ive only seen him shirtless and a little more :P thats just about it. But anyway ill talk to him tonight asap, Ive seen hes been searching help so Ill talk to him and keep you guys update if I need anything else.

[Ashlee T.]

Not tryin to bad-mouth your fella. I'm just stating my opinion, which is that is it very selfish behavior to knowingly deprive your partner of sex because of mental issues that you have thus far refused to seek professional help for. I do think that's selfish.

It's great that you love him so much that you're willing to have a sexless relationship to be with him...but on that same note, he needs to love you enough to be willing to try. Telling you it's okay to cheat is not trying and is nothing to me but even a stronger indication of his lack of self esteem.

I don't really know what you've done thus far so forgive me if I'm suggesting things you've already done. Talk to him about the severity of this, about the impact its having on your relationship, how much you love him, desire him etc. Conclude the conversation with an agreement to take baby steps. Ask him to commit. If he won't, propose counseling as the other option. Mutually commit to things you are going to try together, weekly. No toys allowed. Set the rules together and commit to it. It doesn't have to be intercourse right off the bat. Do alot of talking and alot of communicating to him during this time about what you like, what feels good (while he's doing it), ask him for feedback on what feels good to him. Gradually, taking baby steps, show him that he can please you in many ways, sex being only one of them.

If he refuses this, and refuses therapy...........then it doesn't seem you have much to work with and you really need to re-evaluate this relationship.

[FrostDominion]

Thanks and yeah I think I should be more rough with him, He does make me feel wanted (sorry for not clearing that out), he touches me and hes used toys on me. Ive only seen him shirtless and a little more :P thats just about it. But anyway ill talk to him tonight asap, Ive seen hes been searching help so Ill talk to him and keep you guys update if I need anything else.

Good for you. We'll be here if you need anything.

[snapshot]

Don't cheat. You will not only lose a boyfriend but will lose a friend and hurt someone you care about. Ask him to get help. If you still desperatly need sex and can't get it from him then break-up with him before you look to fulfill your needs. You will just mess him up even more if you cheat.

[stressed]

If you cheat you will make him worse and won't gain anything long-term from it.
If you won't cheat and continue without either pushing him to try, or talk to you, or seek help, you will make yourself worse and will be unhappy.

Have a serious talk with him about it and don't let it end unless you get some answers. He's been looking for help online when the best place to start is you. If he can't talk about sex with you then it's pointless of him to want to be in a relationship with a woman who wants to be sexually active. He's had enough time to think, now it's time to act. The problem won't go away by itself.

[ilovhr]

I don't know but ask your BF if he would like to invite your friend and talk sex and think of some fantasy. Give him an indication that you need it but not without him.

[Moa]

It's great that you love him so much that you're willing to have a sexless relationship to be with him...but on that same note, he needs to love you enough to be willing to try. Telling you it's okay to cheat is not trying and is nothing to me but even a stronger indication of his lack of self esteem.

Completely agree with Beautiful Disaster.

[Texasred]

I think the OP and her bf BOTH need a little therapy: him, for obvious reasons, and her, for thinking what they have is anything remotely like a normal relationship.
Why would she put up with him and his issues? Does she have some major self-esteem issues of her own?

[nic22]

I think you need to go to counseling together. He has some issues that he needs to work out. I get he is a great guy but this is a relationship that is destined for failure. I understand that you need sex and need to feel wanted sexually but sleeping with this other guy is a BAD idea. It will really through a wall between you and your current BF. Not a good idea at all. If you really want to be with your current BF you must try to help him or get him some help or its going to going drain you and it will end misserably.

Good luck.