[Butterflylily]

I know this is wrong..but most of you know me here cause ive been trying to have sex with my boyfriend but for some reason he doesnt want to...

Were still together..but I want to have sex and to have and feel a man so....I met this guy from University, I havent had anything with him...now I love my boyfriend to death but...Ive been fantasizing etc...

I actually...want to have sex with him...and we even joked around about like perverted jokes lol, saying random stuff and yeah..my boyfriend doesnt know...He actually understands if I cheat on him, in other words hes giving me permission to do so, because he well idk why he is this way cause back then he wasnt but anyway..

Should I cheat? I want to...but idk, whats cheating sex like?...is it sometimes better than with someone your with? Sorry for the weird question im just idk i feel strange...

[rcoreyus]

Why does your boyfriend not want sex? If it isn't something that is likely to improve, why do you want to stay with him?

[Butterflylily]

Why does your boyfriend not want sex? If it isn't something that is likely to improve, why do you want to stay with him?

Cause hes a great guy...my bf is the best guy ive ever met and I will never meet anyone like him..I have a higher sex drive etc but I wouldnt want this to get between us...he wont have sex with me cause of his past experiences =/, many things that made him Shy, Insecure, Un-Confident, he wont have sex with me cause he believes id rather masturbate with a toy or something, we've been like this for like 1 year or more I think now, and believe it or not our Relationship is beautiful and great but...no sex...And this new guy, well hes a pervert type..so leaving my bf for this guy wont exactly be such a good idea, Ill only get more sex but thats the thing I believe in a relationship Sex is important part.


but yeah, I just want to have sex...should I go to bed with this new guy or not? I need help...I dont wanna leave my bf but I have these thoughts of cheating...im confused and Im getting Insomnia >/ I feel like raping my bf lol but thats not a good idea at all.

[budd]

Has your boyfriend ever seen a psychiatrist or talked to anyone about this?

It's one thing to be shy, insecure, un-confident, awkward, etc...

It's another thing to still be that way with a partner after being together for a year, so much so, that he would give you permission to find sex elsewhere.

[Butterflylily]

Has your boyfriend ever seen a psychiatrist or talked to anyone about this?

It's one thing to be shy, insecure, un-confident, awkward, etc...
It's another thing to still be that way with a partner after being together for a year.

No he believes (and says) that even if he does get help, it wont change the fact that Hes not good enough for me, thats why he wont have sex with me, but hes never suffered anything like a trauma when he was a child or something etc, its just his past relationships messed him up, now he doesnt even masturbate or anything. He makes me feel wanted but knowing I cant do anything to him still makes me feel a little weird.

[budd]

No he believes (and says) that even if he does get help, it wont change the fact that Hes not good enough for me, thats why he wont have sex with me, but hes never suffered anything like a trauma when he was a child or something etc, its just his past relationships messed him up, now he doesnt even masturbate or anything. He makes me feel wanted but knowing I cant do anything to him still makes me feel a little weird.

He's in denial. The relationship is being negatively effected by this, he should seek help to overcome it.
Sounds like he is suffering from some severe anxiety.
Has he ever tried medication for anxiety or depression?

If he isn't willing to try to change, then it is certainly understandable for you to go elsewhere for sex.
But doing so could end your relationship, whether he gives permission or not...and also might make it even harder for him to open up.

But bottom line is, if you're going to have a healthy relationship with him, then he's going to need to trust you and to work on this...otherwise, you are just wasting your time.

[Butterflylily]

I know, alot of people tell me to just leave him...I guess I should, deep down I really dont want to, idk whats gonna happen to him but...well lets just hope things work out, im scared...cause He really loves me, I mean what guy these days stays with a women without having sex?

Thats hard to find I mean if I had a sickness or something he would be with me, but I'll just have to hope im lucky...

[Ashlee T.]

If you cheat, you will reinforce every insecurity he has, and he will feel even LESS of a man. I do not believe cheating is your answer.

From what I have read, your bf is your friend...and that's basically all he is. He's a passive insecure guy and you feel sorry for him.

He's not "saving himself for marriage". He's telling you, "I don't want to have sex...and even though I know it's important to you, I'm not willing to get help for my issues so that maybe we can have a healthy sex life". Yet you say this man loves you so much.... really? He loves you so much but he's willing to deprive you of a healthy happy sex life because of some insecurities he has....and even though he knows how bad you want that, he's not willing to get help for this? Does that sound like a man that truly loves you? Doesn't to me. To me, it sounds like a man who has some serious issues, who has found a comfortable place (you) that feels sorry for him and is afraid she'll feel bad about herself if she leaves him.

This relationship is on a road to disaster........ you two are incompatible. Cheating isn't going to fix that.

[budd]

It is selfish of him to not work towards overcoming his insecurities so that the two of you can have a happy relationship. He needs to find out how to push past his issues, whatever the issue is, whether it be anxiety, depression, extreme lack of confidence, or whatever it is. Could be as simple as a visit to the doctor and an anti-anxiety medication.

And I agree with everything "beautiful disaster" wrote. Cheating isn't going to fix this issue. Like she said about him feeling even more insecure, most likely you will feel guilty too. If he is not going to work on this so the two of you can be happy, then this relationship is doomed to failure. It's probably best to have a serious talk with him about this and let him know you can't do this long term and be happy.

[FrostDominion]

This is going to sound terrible coming from someone you don't know but there are a few things you should try, and/or talk to him about.
First would be why he has such insecurities. You are going to have to stand your ground when you ask him to talk because if you don't, inwardly he's going to know you'll back off because he gets uncomfortable. This is the same thing they will do with him in therapy, only you are helping him instead of some over paid butt munch. If you back off, you are giving him more power to keep holding his issues bottled up. This is very unhealthy for him.

Next, I would ask him how he felt about a little power play. Now, this may be unfamiliar territory for the both of you, but with the way you have explained him (very little yet enough for most of us to understand him) I think he needs a little bit more PUSH in the sexual department. I'm sure he masturbates when you aren't around to get his stress level down--but you should take initiative and start messing around. If he says stop, ask him why. Ask him what about the whole situation makes him uncomfortable. Then help him over come that uncomfortable feeling. You'll again have to stand your ground. Now, I'm not telling you to rape the poor guy, but be firm, add a little dominance to the situation, take charge. If he just absolutely refuses to talk or do anything then he doesn't want you.

yea, it's hard to hear but he doesn't want you if he isn't willing to seek help for himself for his issues, isn't willing to talk to you about his issues or he isn't willing to have you help him move passed his issues. Some hard decisions need to be made my dear and i wish you good luck.