[married1987]

I will try to be brief and give a history of what's going on and why I'm frustrated and sad.

Hubby and I have been together 27 years and married for 23, and we have three great kids. He was and is my one and only.

Over the years, more over the last 11 years than ever, sex has gone down the hill. Lately, I have to initiate sex and that's only in the morning, but the last fews times I've done that this past week, he's pushed me away. When I can get him in the morning, I'll give him oral, but after about 3 minutes, his erection has disappeared. This, then, leads to not much - if I'm lucky, I may get fingered a bit or if I push enough, he may give me some oral (a skill that has picked up since his erections are going down).

We don't discuss sex - never can, and yes we've been to counseling. During the first time, he informed me that he was abused as a teenager (hence why we don't discuss sex) and shortly thereafter, I became pregnant with our first child.

A few years later, he couldn't get enough sex, and while out to dinner he infomred me that he was attracted to men. this crazy need for sex lead to me getting pregnant with our third child, and as they say, "it's been all down hill since." I know for a fact that there has been no hook-ups the past four years (we are barely apart and when we are it's just for work).

I guess that I'm at a complete loss. I desperately need some sex (and not just oral - intercourse would be very welcome).

Thanks for letting me vent and for your help!

[married1987]

I'm done

Well, I've decided to finally just give up . . . (unless someone can persuade me otherwise)

I've tried twice over the past two weeks to iniciate sex and was told both times "no."

I don't know what to do anymore (short of placing an ad - just kidding)

Any suggestions?

Thanks!

[Ashlee T.]

Sorry no one has responded. Unfortunately, lack of sex in marriages for both men and women seem to be a very common issue, though that doesn't make it any less frustrating or okay. The fact he can't keep an erection is concerning, has he been medically checked? Is there anything going on otherwise that could coincide with his decrease in sex drive? How is your relationship otherwise?

The fact he tells you he's sexually attracted to men in combination with his lack of sexual interest for you, his wife........even to the point of not being able to maintain an erection makes me think this could be mental for him. I'm sure you've considered the possibility he may be gay. So it's not the lack of sex that concerns me as much as the reason for the lack of sex. Have you just flat out asked him if he'd rather be with a man?

[Texasred]

There are also several physical conditions that could make it difficult or impossible for him to maintain an erection, and after the result is shall we say "less than satisfactory" a few times, then there's that little nagging voice in the back of his head saying "what's the use; it probably won't be any good this time either," and then it is REALLY downhill from there!
Of course, the fact you two don't talk makes it kind of hard to sort these things out, but do you think you could hint that it might be time for him to get a physical, a general check-up? Then call the doctor and ask him to do two things: one, inquire if your husband is having any sort of "ED" problems, and you can also ask that he order a testosterone levels check as part of a normal blood test.
I know these latter things might sound a little deceitful - well, they are... - but what's the alternative?
Divorce?
It might just be time for a little well-intentioned deceit.

[oxy-moron]

Testosterone is highest in the morning which is possibly why you are having some success in the morning.
Try adding Garlic to your home cooking this enhances Nitric Oxide levels which also help erectile tissue.
Get him to try a herb called Muira Puama. It is also known as morning wood.
This works amazingly well. Use it Four days on three days off.

[WildChild]

Certainly a physical is in order. If everything is in order, you at least know that you are dealing with an emotional/choice issue.

He may be pulling up some deep seated old garbage that he needs to deal with. Was the abuse sexual? That is hard enough from women to deal with, societal attitudes make it even harder for many men.

[jns]

What medications is he taking?