[penelopeew]

I'm writing on here to seek guidance from people who may have been in the same position as me, or might have an idea as to what is going on with me. When I was 17 I entered into a relationship that lasted for about 1.5 years. During this relationship we were sexually active, however I was on the pill and the pill that I was on basically depleted my sexual drive, so whenever we had sex it was to please him moreso than myself, and as a result, it usually hurt quite a lot. The whole affair wasn't a very nice experience and as a result every now and again i've sent myself into states of panic about what sex will be like in the future.

I'm now 20 and since the relationship i've dumped the pill and now feel like myself again apart from the fact that I can't seem to get aroused based purely on my own thoughts about being with a guy. I've found porn works quite well, but when i'm by myself and I have no outside stimulant I haven't been able to get turned on like I used to.

I just recently entered a new relationship and i'm scared that because sex was a negative thing in the past, i'm not going to be able to relax and enjoy it with this new boy. I'm scared that I wont be able to be aroused enough around him for me to be able to enjoy sex, and it's just going to be a never ending cycle of pain and dissapointment.

So far he's fingered me and it was all good until he put two fingers in and it started hurting, I immediately stopped enjoying it, and stopped self lubricating. That was only two fingers! What am I going to do when we have sex??

I'm just not sure what to do and what I can do, if anything, to figure out this situation. So any guidance would be much appreciated.

Thanks

[Texasred]

Tell him your fears, at the appropriate time. Tell him you need to take it slow. And try to relax and enjoy what you're doing together. It may be hard to get him to do, but get him to go slowly, and maybe two fingers are too much for you at this time. Try enjoying what you can, and teach him to pleasure you without hurting you. Learn the same thing about him...

[Ashlee T.]

Definitely talk to him. I can relate so much to what you went through with the pill and your sex drive etc. And, the resentment that can sometimes harbor inside you because you feel like you're SUPPOSED to have sex with your guy but you don't physically or mentally even want to. Yes, the pill can do that to you. People who say the pill doesn't have serious side effects, have obviously never experienced the mental effects resulting from these physical effects. In my last relationship, I became SO resentful of my partner because I lost my sex drive, my ability to self lubricate, but every time he touched me he got a hard on. I felt like an object, and yes, sex hurts when you're not fully lubricated and when you're tense. After I went off the pill all the side effects went away. I stayed single for a while and worked on masturbating to get my "mojo" back. I too used porn which worked well. Eventually, I started to get back to feeling like a sexual human being again. It's a very nice feeling. Recently when discussing with my OB birth control options (non hormonal), he suggested paragard. It's a copper IUD that goes into your uterus. But I have read so many bad things about it from people actually using it I'm just not willing to try it. I explained to him "I went through so much bad stuff while on the pill that I actually became resentful of men...and I"m just now getting to the point of working through the mental effects I suffered as a result of the physical effects of the pill...I don't want to do ANYTHING to myself like that again!" The physical part was easy to work past once going off the pill, but the mental part has taken much longer to heal. You can get there too, you've got to be patient with yourself and communicate with your new boyfriend that you need him to be patient as well. When you're READY for sex, and your body is ready for sex, these things won't be an issue. Communicate openly about your feelings, your needs. Do NOT do things that hurt. It is not your job to sexually please him even if it hurts you. It should not be a requirement in a new relationship. Let someone get to know you and love you for you, then introduce sex when you're BOTH ready....not just when he's ready.

[Lady Shae]

From personal experience the Pill does lower the libedo dramatically, and if you weren't aroused enough because of it, or you weren't emotionally satisfied in the relationship or whilst making love, it may have contributed to the pain.

Texasred gave some good advice...take your time and explore and enjoy each others bodies fully before even thinking of intercourse. This doesn't have to be limited to the bedroom either. Its amazing what the simple act of brushing up against each other can do...my friend calls it the F Tingle :-)

I know its easy to say, but try to relax and only go further when it feels right.

[WildChild]

How do you feel if he does oral sex on you?

What are you planning to use for contraception now?
You might want to look at a diaphram, once you get use to them, they are easy and the spermacide can provide a little extra lube help.

[penelopeew]

texasred and beautiful disaster thanks for your advice! i'm glad to hear i'm not the only one going through these issues. he hasn't really performed oral on my yet, it's something we've talked about and he doesn't really like the idea of me doing it to him because he finds it degraing, so obviously i don't expect him to do it for me. he's really sweet, and totally comfortable to wait as long as it takes for me to be ready. so i guess i may be worrying for nothing. i guess i'm more just concerned that i can't even become aroused without an outside stimulus and especially when i'm with a guy he has to work for it a bit, it doesn't really come on straight away. i'm guessing that taking it slow is probably the best way to go. Wild child - i was mainly just thinking of using condoms for protection, and possibly the morning after pill if the condom breaks or something like that. i've researched the reliability of condoms and they're known to be quite reliable so i'm thinking of just sticking with those.

[Texasred]

...Let someone get to know you and love you for you, then introduce sex when you're BOTH ready....not just when he's ready.

There's the best advice in this thread.