[Lilly-7]

Hello everyone !
I'm 18 years old and I'm still a virgin. I'm engaged but when I talk to my fiancé about sex I become SO angry and just the word sex ****es me off so much. I don't know why I've always hated sex and found it gross and wrong. Yes you may say ''but you've never tried it so how can you say so?''. Well I can say it because just the idea of having his penis in my vagina sickens me and I'm also afraid of the whole thing. I've always feared and hated it but note that I've never been abused or had violent parents and I grew up in a completely normal and sane family. I've never seen my dad hurt my mum so family abuse is not the case. I just find sex gross and wrong, though I know we need it to keep civilization etc etc but I just can't see myself having sex!!

Can someone please tell me what on earth is wrong with me??

Cheers !!

[pretzel]

If I may,

sex and making love are not one and the same. Seems to me you are equating one with the other. I don't believe they are. Making love is a more intimate, personal experience where both are sharing physically and emotionally. I would tend to believe your love for your fiance would have that intimate, physical aspect to it.

I also think your fear of intercourse is impeding your desire for it. It also may be overriding your discussions with your fiance which is not allowing the two of you to discuss this maturely.

You may want to consider a medical opinion to fully determine if there are no underlying medical issues before tackling the emotional ones.

[maverick]

I have to agree with pretzel. When you love someone you want to make them happy. You will accept every part of the relationship as good, healthy, and desirable, which it is. Something is making you feel this way and it may be beyond the scope of this forum to dig that out of your conscious or subsconscious. You probably should talk this out with a therapist specializing in such matters. But by any means, you should not get married until you resolve these feelings. Both you and your fiance are going to be miserable until you work this out.

[jenn89]

Ummm . . . it's OK to feel that way, i suppose, but the problem is that you're engaged to someone who's presumably going to want a sexual relationship with you. For that reason you need to work on what is probably going to turn out to be a huge source of friction in your marriage before you get married/locked into a bad dynamic. I second the idea of you talking to a therapist, maybe even with your fiance.

[stressed]

1) Why are you engaged at 18?

2) How did you meet this man?

3) Do you think you find sex gross or him, in specific, gross?

4) Have you told him this, or do you expect him to accept you as you are?

[rcoreyus]

Do you even fantasize about any type of sex - with different men? with women? Do you masturbate? I think its important to understand if it is all types of sex that you dislike or certain acts.

As stressed is hinting at, you REALLY need to let him know how you feel. It would be terribly unfair for him to wind up married to a woman who doesn't want sex. While it is perfectly fine for you to want a life without sex, it isn't fair to impose that on someone else.

[kristalyn_04]

Why are you engaged at 18?

I second this question.

Also, what happens when he touches you in an intimate way? What do you feel? Do you have any desire to be close to him? To touch him and kiss him? Do you find that gross?

I think you have some sort of mental block. Do you or your family have any religious or moral views with regard to sex? Were you ever taught anything that might suggest that sex is "dirty" or "wrong" or that it might be painful? Your fear of sex might be making you believe that you don't like it.

Sex is an important part of a relationship, so if you hope to get and stay married, you will need to work through this. I agree with everyone that said you need to talk with your SO about this, it's only fair. Hopefully he will be willing to work through this with you and be patient.

[WildChild]

DO NOT get married while you have these feelings.
It is not fair to him and you will likely both end up miserable.
By all means get a physical but this sounds more emotionally based. What you chose to do about it up to you but do not walk into a marriage without this resolved.

[slooser]

Some methods that might help from my perspective.
#1 You need to learn to love yourself first.
If you don't already love yourself and are not able to feel pleasure by yourself
with yourself you'll find it very difficult feeling pleasure with another.
#2 There is a therapy which involves a kind of sexual act with the clothing on and as the person with
the issues becomes more and more comfortable over a period of days or even weeks a little bit of clothing can be shed until one day all of the clothing is off and you can feel good about it. It could be as simple as kissing and cuddling for hours.
#3 A good hypnotherapist can do wonders. I met a guy that was able to quit decades of smoking cold turkey
with one hypnotist session , And a woman with TMJ, (trans mandibular Jaw) extremely painful was relieved of pain using hypnotherapy.
#4 You can Google for books on healthy sex, is sex dirty, sex is not dirty, does god accept our sexuality and so on and get a lot of good information. Try to ignore the negative and focus on the positive information that you find.
Good Luck to you and you man.
#5 It could be a similar phenomenon to things like the fear of heights or bridges or why when you see one stranger you feel good about them and someone else will give you a bad feeling. all of those types of reactions occur without our consciously understanding why and it could be genetic memory of something that happened to some of our ancient ancestors or we could have lived in past lives. Just because we haven't been molested , raped or murdered doesn't mean that some of our ancestors weren't or we weren't in a past life. A good past life regression therapist might do wonders for you.

[slooser]

By The way Lilly-7 I don't believe there is anything wrong with you. We all as humans have things in our lives that we can benefit from the help of a friend.