[stressed]

stressed, thank you for your support, it is greatly appreciated! I'm sorry you have gone through similar circumstances. It really is one of the most painful things one can experience when someone you love isn't right for you. I feel that it is one of the most difficult things to do, but something that you ultimately thank yourself for afterward.

I don't know if I can do it that way. I tried that before and it made me physically sick doing it, to the point that I almost blacked out several times. Where did you go when you left? Our lives are so intertwined that I don't think that I can leave and not run into her.

Only place I had was my parents. Left my car, bills, important papers, bank accounts everything. We shared everything, did everything together etc.

It's your choice. It's about deciding if you want to do the right thing for you, or always be the support of someone who you cannot communicate with.

If you cannot imagine your life without her then you're not ready to leave.

[jonnyk]

First off, I would like to apologize because I am not sure which way to go. There are two parts of me fighting each other. One wants to stay and one want to leave, and both make appearances on this forum.

Hopeless Dork, I have tried many times to tell her how I feel. Until lately, it always resulted in her escalating it to an argument and blaming it on me. Now she is open to it, but I have to explain in too much detail what I need her to do. I get the feeling that I am training her how to fake a sexual desire, but I can still tell is not really there. I don't think it has ever been there. I am a good listener and tell her often times that she is beautiful, smart, fun, etc. There was a big break down in communication between us and she ended up putting herself in a situation where she cheated on me which is why I broke up with her. I am having trouble trusting her lately because she wasn't able to properly tell me how she felt before (she blamed everything negative in her life on me when I was doing all I could do to help her to the point where it was affecting my job), so I am not sure if she can do it. She has a lot of trouble telling me how she feels because often times, I don't think she understands how she feels either.

When we did have sex, I think it was only because that what people do when they date and she wanted a relationship. It new and exiting when you keep switching to different guys, but it gets old when you have no personal interest in it and you are staying with the same person. She got bored and it didn;t interest her, but she enjoyed my company and having someone she could pick. She says she is trying but the only time she initiates is as a reaction to an argument. Never just for the sake of sex.

I can definitely see me without her, and quite frankly I don't think I could resist it if another girls showed me the affection that she hasn't been able to. I just suck at breaking up

Is there any woman here who has had absolutely no sex drive and then worked at it and found it. I get the feeling that my girlfriend is has replaced sexual desire with picking. When she talks about picking, if you change the nouns, that is exactly how someone would talk about sex. He as an urge to do it that nothing seems to be able to stop (sounds like sex to me). Is it possibly that things got crossed somewhere? She has even told me that picking turn her on (though I think she just says that to make me more open to it).

[pretzel]

Not sure where this is going to take me, but I'm going to give it a shot.

One thing that came to mind initially is the differences between sex vs. making love. It seems to me that your gf views them as one and the same. They're not and until she grasps that concept, I doubt the issues will go away. Another thing that came to mind is the issue of control. Part of her not allowing you to please her is her not wanting to lose control or to cede any of that. As long as it it's mainly her pleasing you, you're at her mercy no matter how many times the two of you have sex. I think her issues with picking are mainly a defense mechanism against intimacy which in turn causes her to want to control the situation. She can control it by diverting attention away from the intimacy to this. It just so happens that picking is her defense mechanism, it could easily be anything else.

One thing I haven't read is about how she feels about herself, both physically and emotionally. Just as birth control will physically wreak havoc with a womens sex drive, so too will self esteem and confidence. In that I'm not sure I can offer ways to breach that barrier.

[LanaBear]

Is there any woman here who has had absolutely no sex drive and then worked at it and found it. .

Me! BUT I owned up to the fact that I was the problem. I worked on it. I fixed it. I found it! However, I'm finding that not many are willing to actually own up to the fact that it may actually be them and not their SO. Were there things that my hubby needed to work on, sure, but they were so minor when looking at the big picture. I've talked about it before, if anything during all the years when my sex drive just was not there, he changed for the better, he tried anything and everything to make me want to want him again. It wasn't until I could actually stand up and own up to the fact that I needed to change that the change actually happened.

[jonnyk]

pretzel, she does have a lot of issues with self esteem, though she has improved. In the past, any time I would compliment her (I made sure it wasn't linked with wanting sex from her and I made sure to do it often because it was the truth), she would say something negative. Fore example, if I told her she looks beautiful tonight, her response would be something like, "no, I'm fat (which she isn't by any measure)", or, "you just say that because you love me". She is turning that around and I am happy to here her vocalize every once and a while, positive traits about herself. In general, I think your analysis is correct.

LanaBear, thank you so much. I was getting so discouraged reading through this forum. Not many of these stories have an ending. My girlfriend has come to the realization that it is her that needs to change, but how do you do that? How did you progress, what steps did you take, did anything cause setbacks? Any advice would be appreciated! I was thinking about giving her some homework. I think telling her that she has a week to figure out a fantasy that she would like me to make happen for her. I also think it would help if she made a point of trying to arouse herself by fantasizing every once and a while. I think a good trigger would be when I text her she should think dirty thoughts since that would reinforce her associating sexy thoughts with me.

[pretzel]

johhnyk, if I may (and take this from experience) do not give her the type of ulimatum you suggested. Let her work on in at her pace, not yours.

(on edit)

LB, thanks for chiming in like you did. I was hoping you would. Also, johnnyk, read Lana's blog. You might take away a few ideas.

[LanaBear]

The first thing I had to do was figure out where my desire went because I had NO CLUE whatsoever. It just literally disappeared overnight. I got to the point where I didn't want to be hugged, kissed, hold hands, nothing because I didn't want to give him the impression that I'd have sex with him. I started reading forums, like WH, where men expressed how they felt by their gf/wife/fiance, etc not wanting them. Everything my husband was also telling me. After I started reading and realized, oh really, you mean it's not normal to not want to have sex with the person I love and am married to did I realize that yeah, I needed to make some changes in myself.

I bought myself a vibrator to just try to remember how good it felt to have an orgasm. Could I still even orgasm? Could I still have that desire to orgasm? I had to open my mind and be comfortable with myself again before I could even expect to be comfortable with my husband. I had to figure out what I wanted and I had to be able to communicate that to him. He would and still will do anything to please me. I did a lot of reading and absorbing. I did a lot of self exploration to find out what I liked and what I'd be willing to try.

If she's open to trying to fix the problem, there is hope, but she has to HONESTLY be willing to fix the problem, not for you but for her.

Pick up some books that she can read, it wouldn't hurt for you to read them either:
The Return of Desire: A Guide to Rediscovering Your Sexual Passion
Reclaiming Desire: 4 Keys to Finding Your Lost Libido

Try picking up some erotic stories that the two of you can read in bed together. Take turns reading to each other. The one not doing the reading should be hands on to the person doing the reading, touching, caressing, listening, watching, etc. Go to Barnes and Noble, in their sex section and browse through their books. Google erotic stories for couples, find something that may interest the two of you. She needs to want herself and that will bring her to want you.

Have the two of you just ever talked, naked? No expectations? Sit on the bed and talk, see what happens and where it takes you.

For me there were no set backs but when I put my mind to something, I will get it, I'm pretty hard headed that way.

It's been years now since I've made the change and I'm better for it. Some light switch somewhere flipped, big time.

[jonnyk]

Yesterday, I was thinking about trouble we had had, but realized that I had trouble placing it relative to other things that have happened. As a result, I decided that too much has happened, and that I need to write out what has happened in our relationship and how I feel. I did this and was shocked to see many times I had forgiven her for something that would end most relationships. What worse, is that now that she is trying to make things better, things are actually worse, and she has done many things that are insensitive and selfish that have hurt me. Ultimately, I have realized that even if she were to fix her sexual problems, that I would not be happy with her. She is too emotionally immature for me. I am no longer vacillating on this and have made up my mind and I am sure about it. Its over!

So the next question is how do I get her out my life in a respectful way, or is that even possible? Her birthday and our anniversary are coming up so the timing sucks. I want to wait until after her birthday but before our anniversary. She had a boyfriend dump her on her birthday before and I don't want to do the same. I want to make use of our time at the moment to plant seeds in her mind so that she starts to mentally untangle us to make it easier. Advice?

[LanaBear]

I think the longer you drag it out the harder it is going to be.

Even doing it after her birthday, she'll know the thought was there probably before her birthday. You just need to do it and be honest with her.

I'm sorry but things just are not working out between us. I don't feel we have a solid foundation to build upon and improve things.

It's going to suck and it's going to hurt, but it's best to just do it and get it over with.

[WildChild]

I agree with Lana. Just get it over with. Surgical. Get out you are done. The more you drag it out the longer it will take both of you to get past it.
Do you have a lease together? Any shared finanaces or responsiblities? I manage properties and have dealt with this more than once. If a couple tells me one is moving out, the one who is staying just has to sign a new lease so that it is in their name only.
Deal with separating what ever has to be separated and kindly but firmly say good bye.