[rajuncajun]

hi all,

I registered to this forum after reading about 16 threads about people who are having the similar issues to myself. The one thing that differs in my situation is that my wife doesn't even like for me to touch her or kiss her on the neck or have a heated kissing session.

we have been married for 10 years now and this sexual problem has become so bad that I find myself being angry and not wanting to even talk to her.

I feel like its a cruel prank that life has for me. in the 10 years that we have been married 5 of her 6 friends have been married more than once as a result of the husband cheating on them in the first marriage. why is it that I do the right thing and treat my wife like gold yet I am the only one left with my right hand and some thoughts at the end of the night.

I have tried many things in the past and almost all of them resulted in getting turned down. its gotten to the point that I don't even try because its easier not to ask then to feel rejected all the time.

I am sparked to write this and may have never done so if this didn't happen yet again tonight. here is a glimpse of how my week went. let me know if I am missing anything because I am tired of trying and I am starting to feel depressed.

I have made dinner for her, let her have alone time in the tub with a book or whatever while I took care of our two kids. also bathed them and all that good stuff. then just for the he-ll of it I delivered some flowers to her at work personally and the response was, "your still not getting a bj for this". now I am pretty sure she was joking but wtf! that is not the response I wanted or was looking for.

so my question is this, how do I approach this situation when my wife doesn't want anything to do with physical contact period! its hard to warm her up when I can't even touch her.

btw - just like all couples with this problem, if we talk about it we end up getting in a fight and all I get from her is I have no feeling down there and I don' t know why.

[tesoro]

It's difficult when you feel neglected in a marriage. Sexuality is an important part of life and you can't suppress it forever.

I think you need to tell your wife that you are feeling very neglected and unfulfilled. Ask her to talk with her dr about the problem of having no desire and not even wanting you to touch her or kiss her. That is not normal behaviour for a married woman. Having children is always busy and can be exhausting but it sounds like you are trying hard to contribute your share of the parenting.

You can tell her that you have always been loyal but you can't be celibate and if there is a problem with your physical/emotional connection, you need to seek help as a couple. Be assertive and tell her how unhappy you feel. She needs to know how important this is to you.

[rajuncajun]

I have tried to tell her how I feel but it always ends in a fight and when it comes to that topic she doesn't even want to talk. I will try again but I'm getting my war gear ready for battle.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

rajuncajun, I bet after reading 16 odd threads, your beside yourself now...

Let's get some more history....

How old are the children, do you leave them with family and have date nights, how do you view your wife, outside the bedroom, when was the last time you laughed together, or took the photo albulm out and looked at it together....

Is she a stay at home mum, how does she keep the house, herself, does she go out with those friends alot, how old are you both and when was your sex life alright and did it involve cuddling, kissing, love...

CW

[WildChild]

Often times in these situations you need to consider a few points, first is general health. We are a complex interaction of chemical responses. Everything in our bodies is driven by chemicals and when something gets out of balance our sex drive can get hit hard. If you have insurance this easier than if your don't. How about suggesting that you both get in for a 30,000 mile check up? Blood work and all that? Once she makes an appointment you might give the dr office a call and have them make a notation that her sex drive is tanked. The reason I suggest calling is that my ex had some serious health issues but would often not mention things to the doctors. I would call and have a chat with the nurse or doctor, or go along on the appointment and tell them some of the things that were going on and more than once that made a difference. In one case he had a deep vein thrombrosis which he was trying to hide the symptoms of. Sometimes people need a little extra help in getting all the info conveyed.

If there aren't any physical causes found, the next consideration is emotional issues. These can be tricky. Some people, male and female, get the mommy syndrome. Mommies aren't sexy, they are mommies, not red hot mamas. This comes out of generational childhood conditioning and needs awareness and conscious effort to over come.

One red flag I saw in your post, was; "I delivered some flowers to her at work personally and the response was, "your still not getting a bj for this"." This says that she sees all attention from you as an effort to get sex. She didn't see flowers as an act of love, of cherishing her and all that she means to you. This is not uncommon. Its a matter of degree and perspective.
You haven't said if there was ever a time when you had a great sex together. Was there?
Was she ever into sex?
Is she orgamnic, really? Not faking it - which many women do.

If she was never really all that into it, you may be sunk. But if that's the case you were sunk a long time ago. If she was once into it, then you may have fallen into a common pattern that has brought her to feeling that she isn't loved or valued as a woman and as a partner. She may well be feeling that you only touch her or approach her when you want sex because that is what has happened. You may see it as being loving but she may see it only as an effort to get sex.

Depending on how far down this has gone, you may be able to save it. First you have to shelve the resentment and anger, Quit fighting. It isn't sexy, it isn't loving, some people do find it arousing but doesn't sound like she does. Doing things like fixing dinner, pulling your weight with caring for your children and helping her around the house are part of being a partner and a parent. She works, you work, you are both parents to your children - those are things you should be doing, not really brownie point deals, but not doing them can weigh the scales against you. Don't do those things with an attitude that you are giving her something and have an expectation that you are doing anything but what you should as a life partner and parent. So drop any expectations or resentments associated with any of that.

Start being affectionate and loving without expectation. Do it because you love her and this is what will let her experience that. Nuzzle her neck, whisper that you love her and then take out the trash or make the salad with no expectation. Pause and give her a little shoulder massage and then head out to do your errands. Sweep her into your arms, twirl her around, give her a kiss, tell her, "your beautiful" and then go do whatever you have to do. Don't stick around looking like the dog does when he drops his ball at your feet. Don't essentially keep asking, "are we there yet?" Just do it to communicate that you care, that you love her, that you value having her in your life. You may have to keep this up for a while without pushing for sex. The minute you push for sex, you undo it. This needs some patience but you aren't getting any anyway so why not give this a try? You could make it a sort of game for yourself. How much can you love on her? How many little ways can you slip in your message of affection, love and attraction? Just don't push for sex. What you want is to show her that you love her regardless and to build her response, If she is healthy and starts to feel your love in a way she needs, she will start to respond but you will have to be patient. You can't do this for a couple days or even weeks and then give up or explode in a big scene if you don't get the tootsie roll right off.

What you are doing is wooing her again and restructuring how you interact. There is a saying that for men loving feelings follow sex and for women sex follows loving feelings. In the mean time you might want to read a few books - check out the Books on Sex thread and upgrade some of your skills (at least on paper) and see if you can learn a few new techniques to improve your love making and increase the sensuousness in your lives. What is your bedroom like? Is it a love nest? Or a hornets nest? A place of relaxation and comfort? Or is it the catch all for laundry that needs folding and work stuff piled up? Do you have comfy pillows and nice higher thread count sheets? Or are you using the old comforter one of you had in college with mismatching sheets from you first apartment and lumpy old pillows? Is it utilitarian or does it have a touch of the exotic? Same thing with the master bath if you have one.

Are you up for the challenge?
Can you do it?
I guarantee that you can catch loving with this than with your war gear.
This isn't a battle you can win by fighting or challenging her, Instead challenge yourself to becaome the ultimate lover in her eyes.

We've had some men here do this and get results. We've some other men who just haven't found anything that seems to get there. But I have a feeling you just may be surprised if you change your approach.

[jns]

Excellent answer, WC.

[rcoreyus]

I started one of those 16 other threads, so I don't have any useful suggestions. It is possible that there is something you can do to fix it (as WC suggested), but for a lot of us there isn't any fix. You are left with my 3 options:

Leave, Chat, Live like a monk. None of these are good options.

You may have seen that it isn't just men in this situation either. There are lots of women out there whose SO's aren't interested in sex. It is not because the women are fat, lazy, bad in bed, or anything else they have done. It just seems that some otherwise normal people have almost no sex drive.

BTW: I tried the affection without asking for sex. After 2 months she wanted sex. Then it was a month after that before she was interested again. I kept it up for about a year. End result was that we still had sex when, and only when she wanted it - about once a month or two, just like it had been before.

In the last few months things have improved a bit after I talked to her again - but it seems to be tapering off back to the ususal

[jvincze]

Mate !, if you have been doing all the good things you say you have and have been doing this for years and receive zero affection, zero love, zero reciprication, then I really would suggest that you get out of your relationship and find someone that can recipricate your love and attention. If you are the only one giving and getting nothing in return, all your love for her in the world will not help the situation. But fisrt you should examine the root cause of the problem. If for example it is hormonally driven, then that can be rectified. If however she just simply is not in love with you, or has other poor excuses I would move on and get myself a life. From what it looks like youe are still quite young. Examine yourself, examine the problem and ask yourself if you can live like this for the rest of your life in a love-less marriage. I would think not.

[oxy-moron]

Start being affectionate and loving without expectation. Do it because you love her and this is what will let her experience that. Nuzzle her neck, whisper that you love her and then take out the trash or make the salad with no expectation. Pause and give her a little shoulder massage and then head out to do your errands. Sweep her into your arms, twirl her around, give her a kiss, tell her, "your beautiful" and then go do whatever you have to do. Don't stick around looking like the dog does when he drops his ball at your feet. Don't essentially keep asking, "are we there yet?" Just do it to communicate that you care, that you love her, that you value having her in your life. You may have to keep this up for a while without pushing for sex. The minute you push for sex, you undo it. This needs some patience but you aren't getting any anyway so why not give this a try? You could make it a sort of game for yourself. How much can you love on her? How many little ways can you slip in your message of affection, love and attraction? Just don't push for sex. What you want is to show her that you love her regardless and to build her response, If she is healthy and starts to feel your love in a way she needs, she will start to respond but you will have to be patient. You can't do this for a couple days or even weeks and then give up or explode in a big scene if you don't get the tootsie roll right off.

What WC is describing here will raise her oxytocin levels. Though it will take up to three months.

Scientists have increased levels of oxytocin( artificially) in female mammals and noted increased mating rates.
If you think about if from a mammal mating perspective it makes sense. A male is raising the level of oxytocin the blood stream with caring behaviour Touch and cuddle based activity. .(or whatever a particular species does to raise it). This means that it is a good time to mate- any offspring will have a better survival rate- Flowers and dish washing will not raise oxytocin significantly though they might make her happy.

When you do have sex make sure neither of you have an orgasm. This stops the coolidge effect putting a damper on your relationship. Just make it relaxed cuddle and massage based sex.
You may become happier and more amorous just through the oxytocin raising activity. Try it for three month- what have you got to loose.
If it works you will need to carry it on for the rest of your relationship.