[Deborah47]

I need some help and feedback from others, please. My husband and I are 47, we have been together for a year and married for 46 days. Before him, I came from a marriage with a neglectful husband, who did not seem to be sexually attracted to me. I was in that marriage for 28 years. I have felt undesireable, etc for many years. I have been working on several issues present since my divorce, and my new husband has been aware of these issues and has willingly taken on the responsibility of helping me with them. He knows how undesireable I feel, how terrified I am that he will emotionally leave our relationship just as my first husband did. Last night, he decided to give me oral sex, without orgasm and without intercourse, but without telling me what he was doing first. When he had "had enough," he just wanted to hold me. He left me completely unsatisfied and feeling that he had lost interest in me or with having sex with me. I want to know if this is something normal men do, and what would be the reasoning. He said he just wanted to give me pleasure without expecting anything in return, but he has never done this before, and it left me feeling lonely, unsatisfied, etc.

Any feedback, opinions or help would be appreciated. Thanks so much!

[Dimples16]

I know I am young so its probably hard to take advice from me, I think he was really just trying to make you feel good..
From the guys I talk to, they tend to think that oral sex for women is golden. We may not always enjoy sex as much as they do but we live for oral...at least thats how they make it sound. I think he was thinking that while you both enjoy intercourse, he is treating you by giving you oral and getting nothing in return. As for the no orgasm thing, I know that I personally have a hard time getting off in general, so maybe his mouth got tired, I don't think he meant any harm in any way and because you are guarded and scared, it came across this way.

[oxy-moron]

Dimples is possibly correct in that he was gifting you something rather than trying to achieve any purpose.
At the end of the day it comes down to communication. Men hardly ever get meaningful guidance from their lady so they are often working off poor information gleaned from vague sources. He should have communicated with you first and got input from you.
Of course some people like spontaneity and too much structure and communication may work against it, but in your situation it might pay to establish better communication but in a non threatening manner.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Oral from a man to a woman, in a committed relationship, is the biggest intimacy that one can offer...

To selfishlessly in addition, leave it at that, not to then "take" is also the biggest respect of love.

I believe that he wanted it to be a suprise, as he wanted to show you, you are loved, you are beautiful, your body is beautiful and he doesn't need to satisfy himself, it's all about you, show you that it exists, that connection....

I understand why he chose not to communicate, he wanted to show you something real, beautiful and for you only....

Shock of this is probably what stopped you from not being able to receive it how you expected.

CW

[PatrickJW]

Well as a guy 57 in relationship with a 47 yr old lady who had not had much of a sex life in previous relationships here's what I think. When we got serious & became intimate we had several conversations about what we liked. As it turns out oral is our favorite. Although she was not all that good at it in the begining, & I am very skilled in the same we went on a learning adventure about each other which included good communication. She did not realize she could have multiple orgasms and even squirt., because it never occured to her to learn. She had not had attentive caring lovers in the past. Not braging, I learned along the way how to treat a women. She has become very, emphasis on very, good at oral on me because we communicate about & during the proceedings. I'm vocal & appreciative about her efforts, which helps her get & stay aroused & vice versa. So I guess I'd suggest you learn about your body, & what does it for you & help him along. If was eager enough to get down there, great, maybe he needs some help with directions to the "hot spots"!!

[Deborah47]

Thank you to all of you for your input. I really appreciate it!

[Guest]

I agree with CW and as a man that LOVES cunnilingus, he was trying to express, in the most personal of ways, just how beautiful, how loved and how crazy he is about you.

From your perspective, it may have been disappointing that he "started" and didn't "finish" (bring you to orgasm).

Some thoughts: His neck may have gotten sore. So keep some pillows around that you can reach quickly to put under your butt to prop yourself up. Or, in lieu of pillows, put your feet flat on the bed and lift your midsection. This access, while short lived, is amazing. If giving you oral is his thing, there are tons of ways to do it.

Your body has many errogenous zones....show/tell him where all of yours are....one by one.

One year together and 47 days of marriage may be a bit premature, but there is a very good book on the subject too She Comes First by Ian Kerner Ph.D

This forum has a great Books on Sex thread too.

[pretzel]

I definately have to agree with the above, especially CW and Seeker and would strongly take their words seriously.

To add, another thing he may have been thinking was that he was trying to show you that his commitment to you is unequivical. I think it may have been an attempt to show you that you can let go of your past knowing that he will be there for you without reciprocation.

The fact that he didn't finish what he started while dissapointing, could be seen as a great beginning to learning what makes you feel good and talking points going forward.

[Tod121]

Hi, a few times recently my wife and I have, without any planning or "agreement" pleasured each other without the need for full sex almost like a gift thing. We joke and say we have an IOU and its to be continued...
Your partner may have stopped due to cramp or for any reason. My wife has never orgasmed purely from oral sex, we normally do it as part of foreplay. Also though, my wife recently stopped in the middle of my advances which left me confused and rejected. She just put her clothes back on and said she was tired. It was late and I admit on that occasion there was a lack of fireworks. Whilst I still think she was a little blunt, it was fair enough and we have had great sex since so no longer term damage done. Hope sharing that helps?