[BFC]

So, in January my DH came out to me as bisexual. Further research (snooping) led me to find that he had been at least considering visiting a 'gloryhole'. He described it as a compulsion, that he didn't want to think about it but couldn't help it. He insists he never followed through (most of the time I believe this, he's much too shy and would have really had to work up to it. sometimes, I think he did).

At any rate, I have decided to not make a final decision on whether to stay or go. He's had his first therapy appt, and his therapist is confident that he can get past this.

He definitely doesn't think like I do about it, has a completely mind blowing view on sexuality that has been mostly hidden. It's hard for him to give up porn/imagery (at my request), and he has a hard time believing that if he has a normal mindset on it, he won't have a "void" from the lack of gay porn. Though both his therapist and I agree he will not, if he gets past the addiction part. (I no longer believe it is an orientation issue, just a compulsion issue)

He started this at 14, with regular porn, then onto tranny porn, then onto gay porn. Then onto tracking down glory holes, and posting on CL (this was the catalyst to his coming out). He now thinks that the next step would most likely have been video chat sites.

The experts say that I am most likely codependent, for tolerating this behavior (though I did not know about it).

Am I codependent for not leaving now? Does anyone know of any addicts that have been successful in getting past it and having a normal sex life?

Not sure I supplied enough info, let me know if you have any questions.

Thanks.

[pretzel]

I don't know if I would agree totally, but it's only my opinion. Seems like since he's been having these feelings about bisexuality since his early teens, are you totally sure it's a compulsion and not an orientation issue.

Either one would have different outcomes, in my opinion. I would agree that if it's a compulsion, then the therapy sessions would address them in which case, I'd want to stay and help as much as I could.

On the other hand, if it really is an orientation issue and the purpose of the therapy is to repress those feelings, then I'm not so sure I'd agree with the route that you and your therapist are taking. I'm not one who tends to favor repressing sexual orientation as it tends to leave oneself "empty". That could drive the conversations into another direction which may not be where you'd like them to go.

[Guest]

I would focus on you and getting you "better" especially when it comes to being codependent. There are several good books written on the subject. A couple written by the same author...Melody Beattie (?) Melanie Beattie (?) One of them is called Codependent No More.

Would appear as though you both have things to work on.

[BFC]

I should clarify a bit, the reason I lean toward addiction as opposed to orientation is from his telling me that it is the ACTS that he obsesses over. He has yet to find a man attractive, he just has a fascination with m2m actions.

And I don't believe anyone has the intention of encouraging repression, but that does not mean he is free to act on his compulsions or desires. He chose to marry a woman, if he NEEDS to be with a man, than he needs to leave and be that. He insists this is not what he wants.

He becomes obsessive over those things, and then spirals through the addiction. At other times, he's perfectly fine. But again, how can you be bi, if you have never found yourself attracted to the same sex?

[pretzel]

I should clarify a bit, the reason I lean toward addiction as opposed to orientation is from his telling me that it is the ACTS that he obsesses over. He has yet to find a man attractive, he just has a fascination with m2m actions.

And I don't believe anyone has the intention of encouraging repression, but that does not mean he is free to act on his compulsions or desires. He chose to marry a woman, if he NEEDS to be with a man, than he needs to leave and be that. He insists this is not what he wants.

He becomes obsessive over those things, and then spirals through the addiction. At other times, he's perfectly fine. But again, how can you be bi, if you have never found yourself attracted to the same sex?

Thanks, that did clarify some of my post.

If you don't mind me asking, is he obsessive with other things also which may be a form of OCD?

[BFC]

He does have an alcohol abuse issue he's been working on, cigarettes (me too). When he decides to diet it's all salad, all the time, very hardcore about that. He has what I would call an addictive personality, and is quite strict with himself about certain things. Not good at spontaneous. (Bedtime, mealtimes, controlling the drinking - he could be an alcoholic, he's working on that in therapy too, though he is NOT a drunk, he can't sleep without 2-3 drinks in the evening). So I would say, compulsion is relatively common, but only in relation to certain aspects. He doesn't have rituals or things like that.

He works 7 days a week, and is not good at unstructured time or relaxing. Most of the time he's spent indulging his addiction is the few hours between when he gets out of work, and when I get home.

[pretzel]

So this is just another part of his routine is what it sounds like?

Hopefully the therapy will give hime some tools that can be used to break up his daily routine which is what it seems like is his nature. His days pretty much have to be planned and to deviate from the plan causes him to lose focus.

[BFC]

Well, porn was definitely just routine. It's the escalation that became the problem. Hopefully therapy fixes that.

[oxy-moron]

Hi
Look up informational sites by googling reuniting porn or Your brain on porn.
I know this may sound strange but it might pay to get his dopamine levels sorted out as a priority.
Dopamine provides the motivation behind behaviour.
Try getting some good fish oil capsules into his and your daily diet.
Do some research on the health sites into dietary fats and the impact on brain health and behaviour.
Good luck- I suspect you would be better off with someone else but that is your choice.

[pretzel]

Well, porn was definitely just routine. It's the escalation that became the problem. Hopefully therapy fixes that.

The escalation could easily just be boredom with the usual porn. You've mentioned that he's been like this since 14 (and I'll guess that's at least 10 years) so things just aren't as exciting and now what seems like escalation could just as easily be trying to find something new that he hasn't seen before.

And I do agree, hopefully therapy will address these issues.