[ziggy39]

My wife of 11 years just told me that she doesn't feel sex is an important part of our marriage. She said it has nothing to do with me, it's just how she feels. Is this normal?

[LanaBear]

Normal? No... Common? Yes, in both men and women.

Does she say why? Is she orgasmic? Does she masturbate? Do you have kids? Has she had a physical recently?

[CHANDLERS WISH]

ziggy, IDK why do women all of a sudden see a man as a friend instead of a husband? Or just a person that they live with? Why do they feel a man just wants sex? And so they comment " well I have to have a shower because YOU want sex"... Her statement says that, why ask yourself why she feels that it is JUST sex...

[ziggy39]

Normal? No... Common? Yes, in both men and women.

Does she say why? Is she orgasmic? Does she masturbate? Do you have kids? Has she had a physical recently?

She didn't really say why, she said that she would rather just hold hands than have sex. She does orgasm when we have sex(about once or twice a month). I don't think she masturbates, I actually bought her a vibrator to try and spice things up, I think it's been used once in 18 months. We do have 2 kids( 8 and 7). She had a physical recently and they are trying to regulate her thyroid.

[darcdante]

Lots and lots of things can change a person's sex drive, and women seem especially susceptible (such a depressants, lack of emotional intimacy, or lack of a clean house lol). Since you have kids, make sure you're helping out with things if you aren't already. She could just be really tired and/or worried all the time. If she's on medication to regulate her thyroid, that might do it for all we know.

I'd suggest you take a day off work, clean the house and get a babysitter. Make a romantic dinner and surprise her. If that doesn't work, then you need to make sure she knows that one of your needs isn't being met. I'm reading a book right now called His Needs, Her needs and it talks about how men and women have different needs and, when those needs aren't met is when adultery happens. That's not to scare you or anything, it's just how it is. There are a lot of needs that men and women have and seek to fulfill in a marriage, and sex is one of them (typically for men, but not always). Let her know that you don't only want this, but need it. I'd suggest reading the book I mentioned or another one at least (like the 5 Languages of Love). If she's not even willing to do that, then you need marriage counseling, because she should at least be willing to listen to and understand your needs.

[oxy-moron]

Hi
to turn this around you need to boost her Oxytocin level through physical touch.
A lot of research has been done on animals to determine how to increase the chance of successful mating. An injection of Oxytocin will boost the successful mating of animals even allowing them to skip normal mating rituals.
Research has also shown the same hormone is responsible for female interest in sex.
There is an initial boost of Oxytocin at the beginning of a relationship but this subsides over time.
Oxytocin is boosted by touch, strokes and massage.
What worked for me was the gradual introduction of lots of safe touch over months.
Light massage is particularly effective- feet- shoulders - back. Make it safe non sexual massage. You will be surprised.

[Texasred]

My wife of 11 years just told me that she doesn't feel sex is an important part of our marriage. She said it has nothing to do with me, it's just how she feels. Is this normal?

It's certainly common enough to be considered "normal," i.e., it seems to be the norm, but there's also no need to put up with it, unless sex is also unimportant to you and you just want a buddy.
There are a variety of things you can do, beginning with letting her know that sex *IS* important to you, and that you'd like her to visit a doctor to find out if she has some physical problem or hormonal imbalance, etc. causing her to lose interest.
If it's not that, you can always look elsewhere...

[ziggy39]

Hi
to turn this around you need to boost her Oxytocin level through physical touch.
A lot of research has been done on animals to determine how to increase the chance of successful mating. An injection of Oxytocin will boost the successful mating of animals even allowing them to skip normal mating rituals.
Research has also shown the same hormone is responsible for female interest in sex.
There is an initial boost of Oxytocin at the beginning of a relationship but this subsides over time.
Oxytocin is boosted by touch, strokes and massage.
What worked for me was the gradual introduction of lots of safe touch over months.
Light massage is particularly effective- feet- shoulders - back. Make it safe non sexual massage. You will be surprised.

I rub her back just about every night. I do it not expecting sex or anything in return, good thing because it has never resulted in sex nor has she ever offered to rub my back, but I will continue this because I love her.

[Mes T]

It seems to me that in so many of these cases... the partner that wants more sex isn't explaining WHY. So therefore it comes across as one partner being overly horny and just wanting some booty, so it's like... go use a blow-up doll and leave me alone, you know?

You haven't given us much detail in your posts ziggy, but I'm assuming you haven't really had this heart-to-heart conversation. Tell her that you need sex for the intimacy, the closeness, the bonding. You love her therefore you want to have sex to share yourself and connect with her.

However if that's not the case.. then of course Texasred's suggestion may be something to think about.