[Guest]

She says she did offer at the end of her post

I guess what I meant to say was, get tested and show him the results. Then the ball is completely in his court, and he knows you are serious.

Getting tested before entering a physical relationship is intelligent, responsible, and caring. It is also something a lot of people talk about, but dont follow through with.

[katokathy]

Thank you for all the advice everyone, I sincerely appreciate it!

SoCoKen & waya: I actually haven't offered to get tested with him yet. Cuz we've only talked about this twice since our relationship like 3-4 months ago and it always ends up with him tuning out my voice cause he didn't want to know the procedures he has to go through. The first time he just reassures me that he's clean and only has been with one person, so I said, "ok... I guess..." and dropped the subject. I've been avoiding bringing up the subject since. I didn't offer, instead I would say, "I'm a virgin so I don't really have to get tested"

But for these past few weeks I've been thinking about it again when my doc refused to give me birth control until I got a PAP. So in the end I do have to get tested either way if I want to have sex. But to have sex, I want HIM to get tested so... at this moment I don't feel as if I need or want to go for a PAP if he's refusing to get his test done. What's the point right? I'm doing this so I can have sex with him, which isn't going to happen unless he goes too. That isn't exactly a fair trade. Either we both go or no sex.

We were talking about me getting a PAP last week and he agrees I should go cause it's healthy and they check for cancer etc. I regret not dropping the subject there at that perfect time and ask him to go with me. I mean, "you think it's good for me to get a check-up but the same goes for you cause you actually have past relations"

I'm planning to finally talk this out with him again soon on a serious level and not him drowning out my voice like a child. And this time I will offer to go get tested with him so it doesn't make it seem like I don't trust him and all the pressure's on my bf. I just hope he's reassured/actually understand this time and doesn't back out/avoid it when I'm being serious...

[Crystalblue]

Well, if he does refuse, he's not the kind of guy you should share your first sexual experience with. It should be with someone who cares for and respects you. A refusal shows he has neither, and that would be all you needed to know how he feels about you and what he's really after here. Your first time is a big step. For me, I didn't want to waste it on a person that was just trying to get into my pants.

Trust me, you'll get plenty of offers, but if you're waiting for the right one, don't be fooled into thinking they care about you when there are warning signs like these that say otherwise.

[katokathy]

Well, if he does refuse, he's not the kind of guy you should share your first sexual experience with. It should be with someone who cares for and respects you. A refusal shows he has neither, and that would be all you needed to know how he feels about you and what he's really after here. Your first time is a big step. For me, I didn't want to waste it on a person that was just trying to get into my pants.

Trust me, you'll get plenty of offers, but if you're waiting for the right one, don't be fooled into thinking they care about you when there are warning signs like these that say otherwise.

He's a good guy no doubt. My close friend is also friends with him and he agrees. He tells me that my bf just has a problem with manning up sometimes because he can be insecure/sensitive deep down. If he refused initially and didn't want to expand on the topic when we first dated, I wouldn't be too surprised. But now that we're almost into our 8 month, we're supposed to be able to be open about this and be more understanding. My friend told me that he never wants to hurt me and I know that's true. He respected me even before we dated.

I think it's just issues with himself is that problem here? It might not be because he doesn't care about my health but because he's scared. He could be scared of the procedure or finding out the truth that he really does have something. Because to him, it would mean that I would either end our relationship and reject him or him losing chances of having any sort of relationships in the future cause he has STD's.

I'm looking at it in an understanding point of view. Cause we do love each other and I don't want to have to result to breaking it off for this reason even though it is a pretty big subject.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

I do think that you right, that it's fear and fear alone what ever that fear is...So, he needs to be told by a professional person in that field exactly what tests would be done, surely he can at least meet you that way, how else do you get rid of fear? You face the facts and more than likely find out it's not as bad as you thought, a simple blood and urine test is all that is needed...And, if it's a fear of well what if she, the previous person had something? If you truly do love him, and something arises in this fashion? Then would you leave him when it was a stupid mistake on his behalf, no condom, but an innocent one? If not, then express that to him, make sure he knows that, believes that.

As for Pap smears, honestly, they are important they do detect cancer, STI's, STD's but as far as I am aware, you have to be sexually active before you need to have one. I watched a TV show once, and it was clear, Doctors do insist before giving birth control but only because, it's their preference for you, not because it's required, needed and it does nothing what so ever, to show what type of pill you should be on. I'd tell the Doctor in no un-certain terms, you are a virgin, once you've had sex you will gladly have a pap smear, it has nothing to do with the pill, or find another Doctor, that's just me

[Crystalblue]

I think it's just issues with himself is that problem here? It might not be because he doesn't care about my health but because he's scared. He could be scared of the procedure or finding out the truth that he really does have something. Because to him, it would mean that I would either end our relationship and reject him or him losing chances of having any sort of relationships in the future cause he has STD's.

This part is a big deal and you should think about it a little more. If he's worried he might have something, and you would leave him, then he's only concerned about himself. How messed up would it be if you shared an STD with him simply because he was too scared to find out for your sake. Yes, you can explain to him that you love each other, and a test can't change that, but caring about someone means you look out for them, not just make decisions based on what you would lose or gain. That's selfish. That's him only caring about himself.

I don't know anything about your relationship together. I could be wrong, but this shouldn't be a negotiable request. Sex is an adult decision which means you will face adult consequences. It's best to stand strong on this.

[Guest]

I agree,if a woman asked me to get tested I would. Why the problem. I think it is mature and sensible. You have to ask it in the right way though so as not to offend.

[JadedQueen]

Depending on what they are testing for depends on how the test is performed. Even if they did have to use the q-tip and get a sample from him in that way he should still be willing to get tested for you. Not only is it the right thing to do but It will also show that he has respect for you and wouldn't want to run the risk of 1. having an STD that was untreated but 2. wouldn't want to run the risk of passing along an STD to you. There are a lot of things they can test for through blood and urine but I do know that they perform the swab test on men at times depending on the STD they are testing for.
When he was with the girl that he had sex with, was it a long term relationship? Did they ever at anytime have unprotected sex? If he had unprotected sex he should without a doubt be willing to get a test for your piece of mind as well as his. Stick to your guns on this one and if he isn't willing to do this, then what can you expect from him and this relationship in the future? You are not asking him to do anything that is unreasonable no matter what he says, you are in the right her and don't let him cause you to think any differently.

[katokathy]

Depending on what they are testing for depends on how the test is performed. Even if they did have to use the q-tip and get a sample from him in that way he should still be willing to get tested for you. Not only is it the right thing to do but It will also show that he has respect for you and wouldn't want to run the risk of 1. having an STD that was untreated but 2. wouldn't want to run the risk of passing along an STD to you. There are a lot of things they can test for through blood and urine but I do know that they perform the swab test on men at times depending on the STD they are testing for.
When he was with the girl that he had sex with, was it a long term relationship? Did they ever at anytime have unprotected sex? If he had unprotected sex he should without a doubt be willing to get a test for your piece of mind as well as his. Stick to your guns on this one and if he isn't willing to do this, then what can you expect from him and this relationship in the future? You are not asking him to do anything that is unreasonable no matter what he says, you are in the right her and don't let him cause you to think any differently.

Yea I read that most tests are done by blood and urine and that you don't do the swab part unless recommended by the doctor or specifically what you're being tested for. I believe his last relationship was 2 years ago and it only last 3-4 months? Not even 6 months. I'm not sure whether they had unprotected sex or not (felt too personal to delve into details about that). But after they broke up, she tried to get back with him by accusing him of impregnating her. So... It could be possible? Because if they always stuck with condoms, he shouldn't have been too paranoid and knew she was bluffing. I never asked about that because it seems awkward like I'm interrogating him

[Texasred]

Not every guy is real big on going to doctors: the very idea used to petrify me, and the idea of having some stranger poking around with my unit would make it much worse.
A gf long ago accused me of giving her some sort of infection and insisted (*insisted!*) that I go to a doctor and get tested and "treated" which I reluctantly did - and it turned out *I* had a perfectly clean bill of health...

The gf much later became my wife; I should have been forwarned.