[truered]

I've been with my boyfriend for four years now. He has always wanted sex less than me, but for awhile now it's even less than usual. I discovered he was also watching porn. I am very open minded and although I was upset when I discovered it, I did ask him if he wanted to watch with me. He told me that was wierd and that porn is a guy thing to watch alone. I was upset and then said that it really hurts me when he watches it. He was only watching it when I left the house. If he knew I wouldn't be back, he would be watching porn and masturbating. I told him I don't mind if he has the need to occasionally masturbate, but he would never want sex after he did for the week or more. I thought it was selfish of him to be fulfilling his needs and ignoring mine.

He stopped watching porn because I had a long talk with him and made him understand it hurts. To him it was one or the other I guess. We still have problems and I'm sure it's not just the porn that was causing him to not want sex. I was thinking he preferred masturbating to real sex for awhile too. He insists he finds me attractive and enjoys sex with me but still only does it maybe once a week if I'm lucky. I tried asking him if there is someone else or if he wants a sex friend. I know after a long day of work it is hard to find the energy for sex, but that can't be the excuse week after week, month after month. I always thought he was a bit lazy when it came to sex. He has always had trouble focusing on what I need and satisfying me. I am understanding and patient. He hasn't had much sexual experience, but after four years he still hasn't figured it out.

How else can I explain to him what I need besides telling him? I don't know what I'm doing wrong either. I have gone over and over it in my head. He just shuts down whenever I want to talk about sex.

When I read what you had to say I knew exactly how you felt. I just wanted you to know that you're not the only one dealing with this issue.

Relationships are just too difficult to figure out sometimes.

[Texasred]

You might consider yourself lucky you're not married; you can always tell your bf that you're completley unsatisfied with the way things are and the direction they're headed - no sex at all! - and tell him things either need to improve, or you're going to look at alternate living arrangements.
If he doesn't get the message, move out and find someone who will appreciate you and return your affection.

[Guest]

kjax016,

Please allow me to opine that your sexual relationship with your boyfriend will not likely improve. When a man is in love with a woman, he only wants to be with her. While I have no problem with his watching porn, and I would suggest that you watch it with him; in fact, make it your idea: if he's in love with you he will want to sense the intense bonding of a man and woman who are in love with each other and crave the passionate intimacy of surrendering themselves to each other. There is no substitute for this mystical sensation.

kjax016, do not expect to change him. No one is capable of changing another. If your sexual relationship with him is lacking now, expect it to get worse. My suggestion is to separate and search for a more suitable man.

There is no excuse for a man to not listen and respond when his girlfriend exposes her heart and soul to him. You have asked him something reasonable and normal. It is important to you. If he's in love with you, what's important to you will be important to him. If he dismisses what's important to you, it will only become worse.

In my entire life I have been in but one relationship in which the chemical connection was palpable. It shrouded us like a satin vale descending from Cupid's grasp. Within seconds of being with each other our mutual primary motivation was intense sexual pleasure. Even sitting across a restaurant table from her while enjoying savor cuisine and delicious wine, the chemistry between us forced us to surrender ourselves to each other. Our sexual relationship progressed from excellent to mystical, exquisite ecstasy. Very few people ever experience such intense sexual compatibility. But once experienced, anything less is just sex. However, even when it's just sex, a man must always remain attentive to the desires of the woman who is surrendering herself to him. There is no excuse for bedroom selfishness.

kjax016, I sincerely wish you the absolute best. Think clearly and rationally. Accurately assess your relationship. Truth can hurt, but lies always do. And the worst lie one can tell is the lie one tells one's self. To assure your happiness that you deserve you must be completely honest with yourself. Always remember that we are powerless to change another. If another changes, s/he changes because s/he wants to change. But when people become comfortable with their patterns of behavior, don't expect change to be forthcoming. It's unrealistic and leads to painful heartache.


Take care,

Taos

[Texasred]

kjax016,

Please allow me to opine that your sexual relationship with your boyfriend will not likely improve. When a man is in love with a woman, he only wants to be with her. While I have no problem with his watching porn, and I would suggest that you watch it with him; in fact, make it your idea: if he's in love with you he will want to sense the intense bonding of a man and woman who are in love with each other and crave the passionate intimacy of surrendering themselves to each other. There is no substitute for this mystical sensation.

kjax016, do not expect to change him. No one is capable of changing another. If your sexual relationship with him is lacking now, expect it to get worse. My suggestion is to separate and search for a more suitable man.

There is no excuse for a man to not listen and respond when his girlfriend exposes her heart and soul to him. You have asked him something reasonable and normal. It is important to you. If he's in love with you, what's important to you will be important to him. If he dismisses what's important to you, it will only become worse.

In my entire life I have been in but one relationship in which the chemical connection was palpable. It shrouded us like a satin vale descending from Cupid's grasp. Within seconds of being with each other our mutual primary motivation was intense sexual pleasure. Even sitting across a restaurant table from her while enjoying savor cuisine and delicious wine, the chemistry between us forced us to surrender ourselves to each other. Our sexual relationship progressed from excellent to mystical, exquisite ecstasy. Very few people ever experience such intense sexual compatibility. But once experienced, anything less is just sex. However, even when it's just sex, a man must always remain attentive to the desires of the woman who is surrendering herself to him. There is no excuse for bedroom selfishness.

kjax016, I sincerely wish you the absolute best. Think clearly and rationally. Accurately assess your relationship. Truth can hurt, but lies always do. And the worst lie one can tell is the lie one tells one's self. To assure your happiness that you deserve you must be completely honest with yourself. Always remember that we are powerless to change another. If another changes, s/he changes because s/he wants to change. But when people become comfortable with their patterns of behavior, don't expect change to be forthcoming. It's unrealistic and leads to painful heartache.


Take care,

Taos

X2 (Times 2)

[stressed]

I struggled with this for 4.5 years (everything you said was identical, even about him having much experience before you). He won't change, he either needs therapy about his sexual issues/lack of confidence/other or he isn't in love with you. He knows that if he says "I don't enjoy sex with you" or "I prefer porn to real sex" or "I find it boring to do things to you, I rather have you do things to me" you'll have every reason to want to break up with him. That's why you'll never hear him say so.