[Deborah53]

Do you ladies consider cybersex cheating???? My husband has had cybersex with another woman........More times than i can count......He has also has emotional affairswith plenty of women on the internet...I need answers he has told all these women that he loves them.......Yet he tells me that as well....We have been married over 30yrs and i am devestated........Tell me ladies what would you do????????

[soldatka]

Main thing is, do YOU consider it cheating? It sounds like you do, and he is not just contacting them sexually but emotionally as well.

I think in your place I would be devastated too. Cybersex is cheating in my book, unless a couple agree mutually that it's okay.

[Little]

Cybersex to me is the emulation of behaviors that should only happen between the two of you in your committed relationship. To me, it's definitely cheating. It's different than porn because he's not taking part in it ... he is taking very direct part in the cybersex!!
You need to set him straight. Give him a good mental shake and then begin making plans that would enable you to leave him if it comes to that.
You asked what I would do ... I'd be terribly upset by the whole occurrence and I'd definitely be talking to a lawyer or a relationship counselor. You have to do something, and good luck in doing it!

[Iseult]

I agree completely with soldatka. Cheating is defined by the other person's perception of the action, so if you see cybersex as an unfaithful act, then that is exactly what it is. The only way your husband's indulgence in cybersex would not be cheating is if you were not only fine with it, but had made it clear to him that it is not problematic for you.

As this is clearly not the case, it is important that you tell your husband the full extent of your feelings on this matter. Tell him how much it distresses you, that he is cheating, that you will continue to view it as such and that you will not tolerate it; just as you would not tolerate a physical affair with other women. He should take your words very seriously and cease his illicit online activities immediately.

Should he seem reluctant to do so, perhaps couple's therapy is an option. It may shed light on why he feels the need to engage in cybersex so often and get him out of that mindset, but only if he is willing to change. Don't just deal with his behaviour if it distresses you though. Make him realise that it is not acceptable and that you will not stand for it. I wish you the best of luck.

[Deborah53]

Re........cybersex.........

Hi............Thanks for all your replies........We are in therpy....But i don't think it is going to work....He was dx'ed as bipolor last year...Today he stood with a knife at his chest and was ready to kill himself...He has done this so many times it is unthinkable..........All i hear is lies...lies....He wants a young cutie in stead of me.......I guess time will tell Please write to me some more i could use some support.....Thanks

[Little]

Has he received any prescriptions for his bipolar disorder? How is he reacting to them?
My mother has a mental disorder and has been suicidal all my life but my father loves her very much and has helped her through all of her "episodes." He decided a long time ago that it was worth it to stay with her, but it has taken a SERIOUS toll on myself and my sister. Do you have children? Consider getting him put in an institution for a short time just so he can be further evaluated and so that he is no longer a threat to himself. If my father had only done that years ago, who knows how much better off we could have been all this time?

[soldatka]

I'm so sorry you are having to go through this honey, are you getting any support? Having a partner with a mental illness can be so very draining, I have a friend who is dealing with this as well.

[alibaby]

Hi Deborah.

I had posted yesterday but deleted because I was afraid I was 'crossing the line'. But Little is right. Your husband is threatening to hurt himself and he needs to be hospitalized/institutionalized, to protect himself and you. It will be hard to do, but there isn't much else you can do for him at this point. I hope you have discussed a plan with your therapist about what to do or who to call when he has an episode.