[flutieflakes87]

Hello to all who read. First off, a little bit of background. I've been with my girlfriend for over a year and we've been sexually active for the majority of that time. We both lost our virginity to each other and so, evidently, we're not that experienced with sex. I've always had trouble getting her to cum during sex using penetration, but eventually would get her there by either eating her out or rubbing her clit by hand.

However, lately it has been getting progressively worse. She started having trouble coming regardless of what I did and most of the things I'd done in the past to get her aroused don't work anymore - in fact, she gets turned off! She says that it's because it's all the same stuff that I do over and over again - kissing her neck, licking her breasts, rubbing her down there, and she says I've become predictable. The situation is becoming so bad that it causes other little arguments to explode into bigger ones. Now, every time we're alone and we start fooling around, my head starts racing and I get scared that I'll disappoint her sexually again. I'm scared that I'm just a few more failed attempts away from a break-up.

We've agreed to take a break from sexual activity for a while and I think it's been doing us good, but eventually the situation will come up again. It's hard to be too exotic because we both still live with our parents and don't have much privacy in either household. I've tried dirty talk, slowly touching, kissing her all over but it seems like it's hit or miss. Sometimes she complains that I go too fast, other times she says I spend too much time talking and touching and that I go too slow. I CAN tell when she's turned on - the problem is just that I don't know what to do to when she's getting turned off.

This whole situation is causing a lot of stress in my life. I've spent many nights reading articles online looking for tricks or suggestions or anything that could help. Like I said, sometimes we are limited by our household situations so doing something crazy like having sex in the kitchen is pretty much out of the question. Can someone please share any experience they've had with a problem like this. Also, ANY advice is very appreciated! All I want to do is please my girlfriend, who I love with all my heart. I'm just worried this situation will ruin the relationship. Please help!

[nailgal]

The majority of women don't orgasm from penetration alone. I don't. It can be a tricky situation when you've never had experience with different people. It sounds silly, but when I was younger and had only been with one guy, I read Cosmo a lot to get my tips. Most of them were utterly ridiculous and stupid, but a few of them were great and I still use them to this day.

It took about 3 years of being sexually active to finally get comfortable in the bedroom. A lot of girls are so uptight about how they look, how they taste, if they look fat in this position, are they making the right noises, does he REALLY love her, etc etc I could go on forever. I was like that too. Being comfortable also came with getting older and growing out of that teenage phase when every girl thinks she's the fatest girl on the planet. I'm a lot more comfortable in my body now.

She may just be trying to pass off the blame on you, because she doesn't know how to get herself off either. Does she go at it alone? It's important for everyone to do that sort of thing by themselves to figure out what they like. I see she's saying everything you're doing wrong, but it doesn't sound like she's actually telling you what to do right! The only way I orgasm is when my clit is being rubbed. I like to do it myself during sex. That way he can focus on the penetration, and I KNOW I'll be getting off.

You're not a mind-reader. She needs to TELL you. If she feels too awkward doing it face to face, try sending sexy text messages to each other. It's a little less intimidating. That's also a great way to spice things up. Remember that foreplay is really important for women. Sometimes we'll love it for an hour or more, and sometimes we want the sex RIGHT. NOW. That is also where communication is extremely important. I have no idea how old you are, but at like 18 and 19, I would rather DIE than tell a guy what I wanted in bed. That also equaled a lot of dissapointing nights. Being able to communicate about intimacy is something that comes with maturity as well. Even if I had began having sex at say, 25, I don't think a year in I would be confident enough to say something.

Bottom line: she needs to communicate what she DOES want. You can try sexting, maybe get her a cosmo and have her circle things she wants to try, go on the cosmo website and email her an article and have her tell you which things she wants to try, etc.

[nailgal]

Oh, and I was also going to mention that you could try getting a vibrator? It doesn't have to be anything fancy or big. Just a small little one. I can't imagine her NOT loving it. Use it once in a while to change things up. Just make sure it's cleaned after every use. Have fun!

[spurzzz]

Is she doing anything to aid the matter or is the blame being put solely on yourself?

If the latter is true, she will never have an orgasm. It takes two.

I would talk about experimenting together and create a natural trusting bond instead of creating a pressured atmosphere.
- You need to grow with each other not alone.

[TYO33]

I have had the same problem! Its not you or her, it's 75% of woman that can't get climax during intercourse! The reason being there is just not enough stimulation on the clitoris during intercourse, it's an anatomy issue. Think about it, in the most common intercourse positions, your pelvis is flat against her vagina. Well, the clitoris is inside of her labia, it's impossible to get enough direct pressure on the clitoris to get her there... Try VIBRATORS! They have worked for us! I can recommend a few: The We-Vibe is a couples vibrator that you can use during sex, but it's a bit invasive. Another one that is really good is the FixSation Couples Vibe, it's brand new and really works! I can get there every time now with my husband within like 3 minutes and it's AMAZING!

[jns]

Can she get herself to orgasm by masturbating or are you her only way?

[flutieflakes87]

Thanks to all for the advice and the replies! I will definitely try some of the tips mentioned above.

nailgal:
She does experiment by herself, but she is not nearly as open sexually with herself as I am. I know exactly what I like and what it takes to get me all the way there. She seems to have difficulty describing what she likes and communicating it. Reading your post really reassured me that what we're going through is not all that rare. She does have difficulty communicating about sex. She finds it a turn off when she has to tell me what to do. I'll take your advice about the sexting and looking at Cosmo for stuff we can try.

TY033:
Thank you for your post! It's reassuring to know that we're not the only ones who are struggling with this. Thank you for the recommendation about the vibrators. I mentioned it to her and she seems very open to the idea, but a little embarrassed to purchase it. I offered to go for her.

Spurzzz: Sometimes she does put the blame only on me. It's a very sensitive subject right now and I know she doesn't mean to do it but she's frustrated and it seems as though that's her default response.

JNS: She can get there by herself but I feel she doesn't experiment on her own nearly enough. As I mentioned above, it seems she doesn't know herself well enough sexually to describe/communicate what it takes to bring her to orgasm.

Since I first posted we experimented with a new position for oral sex and she got to orgasm. I'll take all the suggestions that I can though. Thank you all again for the help!

[Tod121]

Hi, 1st, relax, this has already been said but it is not all your fault, she has got to be in the mood to climax and you just help her to get there. Everyone gets turned on by different things and will take a varied amount of time to get there too, she will need to show you what she likes and dislikes, it does all come down to communication and patients, try to find out what she lkes best, clit or G spot stimulation, my wife likes both but varies from day to day just to "keep me on my toes" but doesnt blame me if I get it wrong, she just moves my hand and everyone is happy. When stimulating your GF, try rubbing her clit with differing strength and direction, if rubbing her G spot, try the "come-hither" motion by curling your fingertip onto and just to the side of her G spot. The internet and books are full of ideas but dont get hung up about it let her tell you too!