[desperate]

I'm an 18 year old female, and 'still' a virgin which up until about 4 months ago was a choice of mine. I have been with my first boyfriend for 5 months now, and we still haven't/can't have sex.
Here's the problem; his penis doesn't go in, and as much as we try, and I put up with as much pain as I physically can, we are incredibly lucky to get even the smallest bit inside. I usually end up crying with pain and frustration, I'm so lucky he is so understanding and caring, he never pressures me, and always assures me it doesn't matter at all.

I don't use tampons, due to always having difficulty inserting them, and it took about 3 months into the relationship before he could get one finger in, which was a really brilliant breakthrough(quite literally) for us. I can take one finger easily and comfortably, and now 'take' two, but it still hurts. We have tried mountains of lube, and it doesn't take the pain away, or help it go in. Its not a problem of getting into the mood, I am aways 'self lubricated' and ready to go, and we have tried every position we know-none of it help.

Something that may contribute to this problem, is that even when he is doing the motion of a penis penetrating with his finger, I get no sexual enjoyment out of it. I can feel it going in, and its not like its uncomfortable, or hurts, I just don't get the 'normal' reaction, which will be a real problem once the real sex starts.

I have read everything I can on the internet, and none of it quite fits my story. I know you can't believe everything you read, but I feel like the next stop should be my GP. Its so frustrating for not just me, but my perfectly capable at sex boyfriend. From the bottom of my heart, any help is so greatly appreciated, and thank you in advance.

[desperate]

It seems I should take my worries elsewhere, thanks anyway.

[ItsASecret]

Some women have a thicker hymen and thus have a harder time with penetration. When he puts his finger in simply have him move it around for awhile, not just ramming it like a jackhammer for 10 minutes and saying "you good to go?" (I know your guy likely does not do this but many men do it ). As he is moving his finger around, literally just have him explore with his finger, you need to contract your muscles so that you essentially stretch yourself out. Not stretch in the sense of loose skin, but stretch as in your muscles become relaxed to the feeling and pressure of having a finger there. From that point you can ease to two fingers, do not just jump from a finger to penis. Keep contracting the muscles while he is exploring and it will make it easier for your muscles to accommodate and then it may lessen the pain. However if your hymen is too think you may need to go to the doctor to have it cut.

[inrainbows]

Hi Desperate,

Don't panic! Your post sounds EXACTLY like my situation until about a year ago (i'm 23). By all means, going to see your GP about is a good idea.
I never did go see a doctor about my problem and kind of avoided it for a long time (had a very patient boyfriend).
It led me to believe that I was suffering from vaginismus- a pscyhosomatic condition where your vaginal muscles subconciously clench up when you want to insert anything, regardless of the fact you want to have sex. After reading through their website I ended up buying their treatment kit (it's about $100 so not exactly cheap :-( ). It comes with a informative step by step treatment guide (covering the practicals and the psyc side of things) and a set of small-large dilators (like large plastic tampons with a handle), which involves you, them and lots of lube, practicing as often as you can, first alone, and then with your partner. It's a matter of training your muscles to not fear insertion. After about 9 months (and it took that long because I didn't practice regularly) I was able to have sex, at first 'warming up' with the sequence of dilators, and then without them. One year later I admit I still experience pain as my boyfriend enters me but I just take a minute to be still before we start moving, and it's good after that. So I hope I haven't bored you with details, my point is, have a look at the site to inform yourself, and know that if vaginismus is what you have, it is in no way your fault, and it is fairly easily treatable, don't let it ruin your self esteem (and it's a good boyfriend test- if he understands then he is worth keeping).
Good luck!!

[desperate]

Thanks so much for the replies, I appreciate you taking the time!
ItsASecret, I have been horse riding for 7 years, and I know this is a main contributor to the breaking of a hymen. It was a factor I considered for a little while, but since getting the fingers in, I've eliminated that idea. Thanks for the suggestion anyway
We have been doing him putting his finger in and simply moving it around. Circles, figure-8's etc. He moves it from left to right and up and down, almost like he's trying to physically stretch the opening. Its just hard to know if its actually doing anything. The whole contracting/clenching idea is new to me though, I will include that also!

inrainbows, throughout my research, I have also come across the idea of vaginsmus, and agree I fit all the 'criteria', and think I am in the 'primary stage'. As I said, im only 18, and amongst looking into future studies, expensive hobbies, my car and wanting a general social life, I wish I could, but I can't spend $100 on dialators. Do you think just using mine and his finger(s) could subsitute?
Just you saying you had the exact same problem and have overcome it means so much to me, hope, thats ultimately all I need.

My boyfriend really is very good about it. He admits it makes him frustrated, but he understands im just as frustrated as him, and that I can't help it. We've talked about it, and I've explained I understand if it gets too much for him, and he said there's no way he'll be breaking up with me over something so 'trivial'. I feel pretty safe and supported by him.

Again thanks so much, I can't explain how much us as a couple appreciate it

[inrainbows]

Heya,

Great to hear you are with such a supportive guy.

As far as I know, exercises with fingers is definitely the right approach (maybe try different sized tampons too?)- it's all about being comfortable and relaxed to slowly retrain your muscles. Also, don't worry too much if things don't always work... we're all allowed minor setbacks! Also, making these exercises fun (whether with your boyfriend or alone) is probably a good thing to do- your brain needs positive reinforcement, i.e. learning to associate insertion with pleasure. Personally I found that I needed to get used to inserting the dilators that were penis-sized (or bigger) before i was ready but everyone is different, so you will have to see how you go. Have a good look at the site if you haven't already because there is useful info that comes from people with training (unlike me!) and also experiences of other women.

A couple of useful tips from their treatment manual: Start by gaining conscious control of your PB/ Pelvic floor muscles (they would be the ones causing all the trouble). You can find them the next time you pee, they are the muscles you clench to interrupt the flow, and conversely the ones you release/dilate to continue peeing. The manual recommends starting out by doing lots of repeated clenching and relaxing exercises everyday, even before one starts insertion. The good thing is that you can do them anywhere, anytime. I found that having control of these was indeed very important because when you are inserting something, you know how to dilate your PB muscles (and i suspect the bf likes the fact you can control them when you do have intercourse, ha ha).

When you try intercourse: everyone says the best position is you on top, straddling him (you know, it's called the 'cow girl') because you are the one who is completely in control. I personally have to start with this one every time.

I was just wondering if you being a horserider has anything to do with your problem... if you're not making the progress you want, it might be important to see your GP to get everything checked out. Hope you don't think i'm some interfering wannabe sex therapist...just would love it if you guys are saved some of the grief I went through!

[PinkSandsLover]

If you have good insurance maybe your doctor could prescribe something or recommend something, like the dialators, that would be covered by your insurance.

[Where Loved Died Laughing]

Hey Desperate,

I apologize in advance for providing TMI (:P), but you seem to have the same problem as me. I'm almost 18, and I've slept with my boyfriend now about a dozen times but penetration is still really painful and he can barely even get anything past the head in. I've used mini OB tampons before, but insertion has always been really painful, though I've always attributed that to the fact that it 'sucks up' moisture making it difficult to put in and out. But now that I've had sex and it hurts and none of my sexually active friends say that it hurt them or was uncomfortable when inserting tampons or having sex, I'm starting to assume I have vaginismus too. :/ My boyfriend managed to finger me, but that was only one finger, two would hurt a lot whenever we tried. We tried having sex with me straddling him so that I can control the depth, but to be honest, that seemed to hurt even more than missionary... I really don't know whether I'm just really tiny 'down there' since I'm quite petite and all or if I have vaginismus. My boyfriend and I were each others' firsts so he's being really understanding, but he doesn't know what to do really. He says that he's not sure how tight a girl needs to be, but that I'm probably way too tight. And whenever he tries to go deeper I spasm and grow even tighter. We've decided that it's best if he tries to get as much in as possible and then just stops for a while so I can sort of grow accustomed to everything to see if I relax some more. I'll end my rant for now with that and I'll get back to you when we have sex the next time to tell you how it went. :P