[annara]

I need an advice from experienced women or may be sex specialists. My husband is 51 and over years his sexual desire has been declined but we had sex around once a month still. Last winter he didn't have any erection for almost 2 months. I was concerned but he refused to see a doctor. Slowly it improved and we have sex again around once a month and he performs well now. I tried to have sex more often but he complained that he is too tired. Last week I was looking for some password information and he told me to check his email. I checked messages and decided to check Trash folder also. I was very surprised to find a very strange letter from him to another woman. He denies an affair but I am still suspicious and it ruins me. Is it possible that he had a short term affair with another woman and couldn't have an erection at all with me? It kind of doesn't make sense but I don't understand psychological ideas behind male performance. I can say that I am younger and attractive, no extra weight or any aging problems. Help.

[lizzardb63]

It is possible for him to have had some sort of an affair, whether it was physical or emotional. What was the content of the letter? Was it suggestive?

There can be other reasons for a man to be unable to get an erection or not be "in the mood." Some men, when they are stressed out, cannot "perform" like they usually do. Is he on any type of medication? Some meds can cause men and women to not be able to get aroused? If it continues to be a problem, you may want to have an honest talk with him to see if there is something holding him back or to see a physician.

[jns]

I need an advice from experienced women or may be sex specialists. My husband is 51 and over years his sexual desire has been declined but we had sex around once a month still. Last winter he didn't have any erection for almost 2 months. I was concerned but he refused to see a doctor. Slowly it improved and we have sex again around once a month and he performs well now. I tried to have sex more often but he complained that he is too tired. Last week I was looking for some password information and he told me to check his email. I checked messages and decided to check Trash folder also. I was very surprised to find a very strange letter from him to another woman. He denies an affair but I am still suspicious and it ruins me. Is it possible that he had a short term affair with another woman and couldn't have an erection at all with me? It kind of doesn't make sense but I don't understand psychological ideas behind male performance. I can say that I am younger and attractive, no extra weight or any aging problems. Help.

You will have to tell us more of what he wrote in the letter to get advice on if he had an affair. Doubt can destroy the most solid relationship.

If he had trouble getting an erection and pressure was put on him to perform by himself and you, that would make it more likely he could not perform the next time. The added desire for sex probably caused him to regain confidence and therefor an erection during the following months. As for the tiredness, do you get on top or is he the one who does all of the work? Does he give your oral sex or masturbate you? Such things can be less work and give you great pleasure if he does them right.

[annara]

In this letter he wrote that he has a desire for this woman and he is in peace when he is next to her and he feels intoxicated. It was never said that they had sex. I'd like to understand if he had sex or not by trying to understand how the erection mechanism works. Is it possible of not getting aroused while your wife is trying everything (including sucking and licking)? I can understand that last 3 years sex was pretty boring in our family and I didn't try anything new. He is on the same medication for years and I don't think that the medication was the cause. It was something else. I try to understand if he wasn't able to have sex with me because of short term affair.
I changed everything now to save our mariage. I changed my approach and returned to the beginning of our marrriage and he gets aroused fast and performs well but past is worrying me. I will forgive him if he had an affair but will be more attentive and caring in future to prevent a new one.

[ItsASecret]

I'd like to understand if he had sex or not by trying to understand how the erection mechanism works.

If you are talking about the physiological mechanism that is allllllll over the internet, even the wikipedia section has a decent summary. Basically involves blood, nitric oxide, and spongy tissue. If are talking psychological mechanism you will need to ask him what gets him going, why he may feel he is not getting aroused, or what is on his mind during the activity. One can read all the information they want into the physiological or psychology factors to an erection but that does not mean the information can tell you whether or not he has had an affair. You will need to ask him in some way yourself, or see if he will tell you himself.

[annara]

I was thinking that physiologists have explanations for everything.

[ItsASecret]

They have an explanation for how and why it works the way it does...just the erection itself. Knowing how it works though does not mean you can tell if someone is cheating or not.

[annara]

I don't try to be a downer but can the erection be OK with a girlfriend and nothing with a wife?

[jns]

An erection requires many things to happen at the right time, so if something is missing, the erection won't happen, so yes, it can be OK with a gf and not with a wife. Other options are OK with both, OK with neither and OK with wife but not with gf.

[keith52]

I have same problem with erection mine is because I have Angina / Ischemic heart disease and my medications