[KDia03]

Hey ladies (and gents!),

I have a great, loving, supportive partner, and we have fantastic communication! However, I have a tiny bit of a problem with our (otherwise) amazing sex life! I really, really would like for him to be more dominant during sex from time-to-time, and although he isn't into some of the extreme things I've requested (ex. choking) - that's ok! I'm not out to make him feel uncomfortable, especially during sex... I want us both to enjoy it. While he's been open to trying out spanking, and things of that nature - he is primarily worried about whether or not he'll hurt me. I've tried to tell him that we could always establish a safe word, so that he knows absolutely when to stop! He's open to this idea, so I'm thankful. However, when he asks me for specific examples of what he should do to be more dominant... I fail to find a good answer! We're open with toys (he's already accompanied me to get my first toy, and has commented that he'd love to get a remote-controlled type where he can control my pleasure at will, and we've talked about handcuffs/blindfolds)! But what kinds of things do you think I could suggest to my lover, besides - "You know, be aggressive!" ?? Any suggestions would be great! What do you like to do with your lover??? I try to tell him - pull my hair, spank me, bite me, scratch me, grab me in all the places it hurts, thrust me until you've cummed, force me!, stick your fingers in my mouth while you take me from behind, etc - but what would you suggest? Perhaps I'm asking him for too much and scaring him off???

[LanaBear]

It sounds like he's a bit unsure about how to move forward with this and it sounds like you know what you want but are not sure how to completely explain it to him?

I'd recommend a couple of books that the two of you could buy and read together. He's got to be into it as much as you are and as long as he understands that the moment you say your safe word, all play stops. The two of you regroup and discuss what pushed you into saying it, everything will be fine. Set up some boundaries, are there some absolute hard limits that you have in mind. Make sure he knows them. Tell him that he can push your limits, push your boundaries, until that safe word is said. This is the only case I can think of where No doesn't actually mean No.

Anyways, here are the books that you might enjoy to get you both started and a little more familiar.

How to be Kinky: A Beginner's Guide to BDSM by Morpheous
Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns: The Romance and Sexual Sorcery of Sadomasochism by Philip Miller (Author), Molly Devon (Author), William A. Granzig (Foreword)
Sm 101: A Realistic Introduction by Jay Wiseman

[DreamP346]

There are 2 types of safe words: stop and slow down. Make sure they are random, unrelated to sex type of words. This way, if he goes too far, you don't have to stop completely, just ask him to slow down whatever he is doing. By having these safe words, you are actually completely in control of the situation, since you are the one making the decision when to stop and at what pace to go ahead. Explain that to you partner, and maybe be will feel more comfortable that he really isn't hurting you.