[rainbowgaga]

i dunno if im just thick or whats happening but sometimes i really cant tell if ive had an orgasm or not.... its causing real problems with my boyfriend cause he cant understand why its not happening, and to be honest i cant either.... the sex is amazing, everything is, but just when i think im there, it kinda goes all downhill again...
ive read a few bits an pieces about 'experiementing' with yourself and so i did, i went out and bought a new vibe, i was v embarressed about it and a bit unsure what to do. I eventually took the bull by the horns so to speak and gave it a go... to be honest i still wasnt sure if i had come or not as its been that long i couldnt remember what an orgasm was supposed to feel like.
Its causing real problems cause he has said he feels like a failure and that he isnt doing anything right.... He is doing everything right, but he doesnt believe me when i tell him this as he isnt seeing the end result as such...
please please please can any1 help

[Little_Man_in_the_Boat]

Vibrators as far as I know dont work.

You can't trick the mind into thinking its a real penis, getting pregnant is part of orgasm I believe, condoms affect wether you can have an orgasm I think because you know you cant get pregnant.

Orgasm is the bodies way of fast-tracking sperm into the uterus, it reaches down and sucks up the sperm, so anything that is contray to this wont work (this is my belief).

I think women have evolved to select partners based on body, virility, ... (is the guys going to hang around, to help me with the baby) anything that is contrary to this I think means they are less attractive and perhaps it is this that affects womens ability to achieve orgasm.

Plastic wont work because its not a real penis, body thinks I cant get pregnant from a piece of plastic.

Plastic don't ejaculate so what would the uterous be scooping up ? Nothing.

We are not robots we are human beings, flesh, muscle, blood and bone.

Making love and achieving orgasm is highly complex emotional and physical thing, women need to feel an attachment and trust, and like they are being cared for.

Didos to me around about someone making a big bag of money from garbage.

If you want to deaden your nerve ending go ahead I can't stop you. Bit like smoking, or drinking, or drugs.

I know that they only way I have been able to achieve an orgasm with a women is 1. the lights where always off. 2. no condom (it must be bareback) 3. foreplay: hugging, cuddling, kissing, intimacy, love, caring, kindness, gentleness, patience, soft hands, prolonged caressing to the point of a marathon.

Why because I believe most women have trouble having an orgasm maybe its revealing yourself to your partner that where the trust comes in.

I think most women are inhibited to a certain extent, depending on their body, if your not totally comfortable with yourself then you have to do something to make it that way.

The same thing with a man if your not totally confident yourself its going to affect your performance.

[Goosey]

Vibrators as far as I know dont work..

I'm gonna say they can.

Personally for me, alone --- nothing really works as well (but its because my mind isn't in it). But if I'm with my bf, I can orgasm with just the vibrator, rather than him.

Its a VERY mental thing. And again every women is different.

[ItsASecret]

getting pregnant is part of orgasm I believe,

No. It helps to have an orgasm because of the 'pulling' that the uterus does to sperm but all pregnancy requires is sperm + egg. How that sperm gets there does not matter, all that matters is that it is there. Women have become pregnant with a turkey baster, semen, and their uterus (and maybe a dysfunctional mind but that is besides the point lol). No orgasm with that scenario but a little bundle of joy can result.

Plastic wont work because its not a real penis, body thinks I cant get pregnant from a piece of plastic.

They can and they do. An object in the vagina is an object in the vagina. If it is a penis, or a plastic dildo your body cannot tell the difference. Your cells are saying "oh jeez there is some pressure going on oh jeez react guys, mold and conform around it, oh jeez oh jeez". It is quite simple on the basic levels. And if a woman starts to think about sexual situations as a fantasy while that object, even if it is a dildo, is there then the possibility of her having an orgasm is there. The emotional aspect is what can elevates the experience, some may be able to orgasm just fine with a plastic toy but prefer their man. Or a woman may prefer a plastic toy because she may not get to have sex often by not being in a relationship. Could be a variety of situations, but the underlying possibility of an orgasm because something is in the vagina and she may be fantasizing during the act is the same as when there is a penis in her and also fantasizing. That overall physical stimulation + mental stimulation are the factors of an orgasm.

[DreamP346]

First thing, let your boyfriend know he is not the owner of your orgasm. I'm not trying to be rule, but we live in a culture that puts undue pressure on the man to be responsible for a woman's orgasm. It should be about both people finding pleasure, giving pleasure and receiving pleasure. First and formost, your boyfriend needs to stop measuring his sexuality against your orgasm and stop pressuring you into having one just so he can feel manly. Its not his fault he feels that way. We have all been taught that a good male lover should be able to make his woman orgasm. We need to change that ideology.

Once that pressure is off your mind, you can focus on enjoying sex. Orgasm is one of the many great pleasures of sex, but its not the one and only goal. If both of you are enjoying it, don't feel pressured that you aren't orgasming. That pressure you put on yourself my be preventing you from fulling letting go to reach that point.

Also remember, most women cannot orgasm on penetration alone. Its a matter of basic anatomy. You need to add hands, mouth or toys into the mix. Some women need a longer forplay time. There is also the clit orgasm and the G-spot orgasm. The clit orgasm usually is achieved by stimulating the clit with hand, mouth or toy. For some women, it works when they are on top and can rub against their partner. The G-spot orgasm can be acheived when placing fingers inside and curling the fingers as if you were calling somebody. These are just generalizations. Remember, each person is different. Part of a relationship is exploring each other's sexuality and finding new things. Orgasming doesn't have to be absolute for your relationship. It can be one of the areas you explore and learn together slowly. It will also enrich your relationship.

I also agree that vibrators really can work, but only if you are open to it. If you are mentally closed to the idea, nothing will help.

[rainbowgaga]

sp346 thank you, i feel like a huge weight has just been lifted off my shoulders.... the last time we had sex all i thought about was 'please just let it happen' so that he wouldnt keep kicking himself about it. he wont listen when i try explain that its not that easy for women, he doesnt believe me cause he says im the first sexual partner it hasnt happened with. i find this hard to believe but anyway thats a matter for a different day. i think your right i just need to stop over thinking it....
any other advice on how to stop overthinking would be great too tho

[Hopeless Dork]

Vibrators as far as I know dont work.

You can't trick the mind into thinking its a real penis, getting pregnant is part of orgasm I believe, condoms affect wether you can have an orgasm I think because you know you cant get pregnant.

Orgasm is the bodies way of fast-tracking sperm into the uterus, it reaches down and sucks up the sperm, so anything that is contray to this wont work (this is my belief).

I think women have evolved to select partners based on body, virility, ... (is the guys going to hang around, to help me with the baby) anything that is contrary to this I think means they are less attractive and perhaps it is this that affects womens ability to achieve orgasm.

Plastic wont work because its not a real penis, body thinks I cant get pregnant from a piece of plastic.

Plastic don't ejaculate so what would the uterous be scooping up ? Nothing.

We are not robots we are human beings, flesh, muscle, blood and bone.

Making love and achieving orgasm is highly complex emotional and physical thing, women need to feel an attachment and trust, and like they are being cared for.

Didos to me around about someone making a big bag of money from garbage.

If you want to deaden your nerve ending go ahead I can't stop you. Bit like smoking, or drinking, or drugs.

I know that they only way I have been able to achieve an orgasm with a women is 1. the lights where always off. 2. no condom (it must be bareback) 3. foreplay: hugging, cuddling, kissing, intimacy, love, caring, kindness, gentleness, patience, soft hands, prolonged caressing to the point of a marathon.

Why because I believe most women have trouble having an orgasm maybe its revealing yourself to your partner that where the trust comes in.

I think most women are inhibited to a certain extent, depending on their body, if your not totally comfortable with yourself then you have to do something to make it that way.

The same thing with a man if your not totally confident yourself its going to affect your performance.

Whoa... there is so much there that I completely disagree with that I don't even know where to start, no offense! Sex is more mental than anything, ESPECIALLY with women. If a woman is not mentally aroused it doesn't matter if its a dildo, a penis, a penis with a condom... it will be difficult to orgasm if she isn't feeling 'turned on'. In that same vein, if a woman is horny, aroused... mentally in the moment sexually, a vibe, a dildo, a finger, a tongue, the corner of a pillow or a penis wrapped in 3 condoms while she is on the pill and wants no babies at all -- can still result in an amazing orgasm

Like men masturbating to porn, moderation is key when it comes to vibes. When you train yourself to orgasm from a specific stimulation (physical and/or visual), especially ones that can in no way be re-created with your partner, you set yourself up for difficulty haivng an orgasm without that specific stimulation.

However, for women that aren't even sure what an orgasm feels like, masturbation (w/ or w/o a vibe) is by far the best way to figure it all out. If you don't know what pleases you, it is almost impossible for your man to figure it out for you. You're the gps, you gotta tell him where to go, what to do to satiate your specific needs to get there. All women are different in what types of sensations, pressures, etc they need to feel to orgasm.

[blueclouds]

Hi, I really disagree with Little_Man's post too! Sorry, it might work for you but not me or apparently other women here too.

If one thing can turn me off, during foreplay, it's the issue of no protection so you know sex would be a risk of pregnancy. No matter how tempting sex is, I just don't want sex then. So, the idea of pregnancy does not turn me on.

I agree with other women here that it's definitely a mental thing. You need to be mentally into someone for what's physically happening to turn you on. Dildos and vibrators can work if you have the right approach. If you want to have an orgasm using one and you are turned on enough by the sensations alone, or by the sensations plus the enjoyment of your fantasies, you will orgasm.

OP, I said 'want to have an orgasm' there. I mean want as in, that physical urge, being horny if you like! Not thinking "I really want to give myself an orgasm / have an orgasm with my boyfriend to prove I can". I had sex issues with my ex and at one point orgasm became impossible because the pressure to orgasm took the fun out of it.

Maybe this just came up and has caused pressure ever since. I'd guess the best thing to do would be to abstain, force yourself to keep abstaining, and only ever break it if when you're alone or with him you feel so ridiculously horny you can't keep yourself sat still any longer. Then, try using a vibrator or having sex.

[jns]

Having an orgasm, for women and men, is a lot about relaxing and going with the flow. If a person tries to direct the orgasm or worries about having one, it is likely not to happen.

[kygirl]

Little_Man: I think you're sadly mistaken. I think the problem sometimes (at least for me and I'm sure other women) is that staying focused. As women, we are always doing 100 things at a time. From my experience, men are much better at focusing on one thing. If I'm doing one thing, I feel like I'm not being productive. It's also easier to break that focus even if you're right there and not be able to get it back. It has nothing to do with plastic, or pregnancy or whatever.

To the original poster: It's hard for guys. I mean, they feel like they "have" to accomplish that or they have somehow failed and let's be honest, that is not the case. Sex can feel GREAT even if you don't orgasm, and sometimes the pressure of feeling like you HAVE to orgasm can be it's own turn off.

I would focus on explaining what feels good. Try different positions. Try different places. Role play. Play games. Whatever you need to do to get you in the right frame of mind. Try to make an effort to NOT think about what you have going on at work, school, whatever the case may be. For those moments, it's just you and him. If you can get your mind in check, and figure out what works for you personally, you'll get it together in no time