[Brittany22]

Hello all,

I have been with my boyfriend for over 8 months now and he is an amazing guy. He is also a virgin and I am not.

My previous relationship was a whirlwind of emotional abuse from my ex that went on for over two years. My ex was childish and always complaining about how his friends weren't virgins and he still was (we dated for 7 months and I was 17, then broke up for over a year, at which point he lost his virginity to a high school 'hore' of all people). I ended up taking him back and dated him again for just over 4 months a year later after we were both out of high school (thinking drama would be over and that he had matured. Yet, I was still a wreck from all the things he did that I have no disclosed here).

Anyway, four months pass and I lose my virginity to him. It sucked. He sucked and we soon broke up (he cheated on me and left me for an obese girl he met at a club..(I was 18 and under-aged to attend, he is two years older). I never should have lost my virginity to him. SOO it was about a year ago from now that we broke up for the second and final time, and I was the type to 'never want to date again, loved my ex more than anything' (was suicidal at one point) but I ended up dating a guy who I have now been happily with for 8 months and not once has he pressured me into sex or anything of the sort.

However, seeing as we love each other and every time we 'make out' it gets closer and closer to becoming sex. It's only natural that's it's going to happen soon. BUT there are a few issues:

1. With my ex, the second time around that I dated him, I was really 'horny' but only had sex with him maybe 3 times and it sucked and felt like nothing. Before sex though all I wanted was for him to be in my pants for lackofbetterwords. Now, with my current boyfriend, I'm on the same birth control I was on with my ex yet, I'm not horny with him at all. I'm not as attracted to him as I was with my ex and I'm wondering if that's the issue?
From the foreplay he's done with me so far it seems like he is faaaar better in 'talent' then my ex would ever be yet he barely turns me on otherwise.

2. A few days ago we almost had sex but every time he got it up it would just go back down and thus we got no where. So I just playfully turned it into playfighting instead of outright pointing out the issue because it was obvious and I don't want to hurt him. He also doesn't seem to be nervous which I know can lead to this issue. So, what could it be? And how can I help...? And yeah hj's and bj's get it up like I said, it's just when it gets down to it...it also goes down XD

I know this question is a bit elaborate with my personal history in it but I just thought it might be important in explaining the situation.

[lizzardb63]

Birth control can actually affect your libido and make your sex drive go down. Not for everyone, but for many. That could be a reason why you don't get "turned on" as easily as with your ex. Another reason could be, because you're comparing the two relationships too much. Your emotional and sexual relationships are not going to be like how you and your ex were. He is a different person, your relationship is on a different level and you might just be reading too far into it. There are some days where I am SUPER horny and others where it's like "Okay, lets just do it..." It almost sounds like to me you enjoy the anticipation more than the actual act. Perhaps that's why you feel less horny? Because you're actually getting what you want and the excitment will be soon over?

As far as him getting hard and then getting soft again, it could be nerves. You mentioned that he doesn't SEEM nervous, but he might be anyway. He might have anxiety about being good at it since it would be his first time. He might feel pressured or he might worry about how he will feel once he does lose his virginity. The best thing a couple can do to work these kinks out is to talk about it. Have you talked about sex? Is he comfortable with having sex and is he ready? The way it sounds is you've only slept with one person....are you sure you're ready? Communication is the best thing for this. He may even open up to you about why he goes soft (but don't just come out and say something about it, because I feel that would cause even more anxiety to keep it up). I hope you get this all figured out. You both sound like you're having a lot of fun and are happy.

[Brittany22]

Yeah I though it might have something to do with the birth control but I am on the exact same birth control I used to be on so I didn't think I could have a polar opposite affect using it a second time. Yes, I know he is a different person and I don't have issues accepting that now...I think it's more of a subconscious thing. We do talk about things and it's never awkward since we moreorless joke about it so it's easy to ease into the topic.

You bring up an interesting point about anticipation. I like to playfight a lot and such and I think since I've barely had sex (and most girls apparently don't like it at first) once I do have sex I'll be a little disappointed, that's not to say it's his fault by any means. Also, I would NEVER force him to loose his virginity or pressure him into sex. I cannot stand people that just 'lose it' for the sake of losing it and those that are pressured into it. When I lost my virginity to my ex the second time we were back together it was because I truely felt the past was the past and he was going to be there. But NOPE.

Anyhow, he initiated sex- or what would have been and I was fine with that. I never wanted to be one of those couples who didn't talk about ANYTHING personal and just went to forums like these to ask questions. The reason I'm here is because I want a second opinion and I do not want to make him feel subconscious by bombarding him with questions. This was of course, only the first time we have come this close to having sex so it's not at all a disappointment. I just want to know how to help and how I myself can be helped

[lizzardb63]

Well, I am glad you trust us with your personal issues I know I like anticipation...who doesn't! I think you have the right attitude about sex and it's awesome that you respect his feelings about it and are taking this slow.

[DreamP346]

Remember, that men often don't have control of their erections. When you think they get one in the middle of the night while sleeping or when they wake up. So loosing it also may be not in his control. You may have nothing to do with you at all. As long as it gets hard again with forplay, he is fine. Since this will be his first time and not yours, he may be nervous living up to your previous experience. Our society puts a lot of pressure on men to be ready for sex anytime and to know how to please a woman. That is a lot of pressure on a guy, especially if its his first time. If this becomes a persistent problem that interfers with your sex life, then at that point he should go see a doctor.

[Brittany22]

Hmm, thanks for all the advice. I'm sure he won't have any issues sooner or later. He's admitted to me before he 'used to' be very sexual by himself so ...heh I guess he is a little nervous after all :P We shall see.