[dlanier248]

"Has something changed with her in the last 4 months? "

sex 3 times in 13months.. again.. I understand morning sex is not the issue, but when you KNOW you have been holding out, a 5 min (might not take that long at this point) quickie to show some kind of empathy would be really nice.

[Buttercup11]

Have you ever though that maybe she is getting sex elsewhere?

[dlanier248]

Have you ever though that maybe she is getting sex elsewhere?

Yes I have, but 2 things I have thought about really hard.

1st, she is the tightest thing I think I have ever been around. When we use to use a toy together, she would not loosen up at all. She has cried the last 2-3 times we have had sex and bleed afterwards. Yes she has been to the Dr. Thinning of the walls is the reason I get. She has thyroid and harmone issues. She will not take anything for her harmones. No problem, give me sex another way. , give me a freaking handjob... and yes I asked, and no she will not..

2nd, she is very hard on people that cheat. We have a had friends that have had cheating issues. She has a strong faith in God and really gets upset about the cheating issue.

Don't think she would, but at times I have had that dought she might.

[Ashlee T.]

It sounds like sex is very painful for her...and that would make anyone not want to have it. If she is also having other hormone related issues, that could also be decreasing her libido in addition to what the pain has already decreased it. I realize that often when it comes to "womens" issues, men have a hard time relating not only because they don't have our "parts" but it's almost as if many men think if they can't "see" the problem then it must not exist. I hope you realize that is most certainly not the case and if every time you had any sort of intercourse if your penis felt like it was getting ripped off, then bled afterwards...you *might* lose your libido too. I also hope that you exhibit some compassion towards your wife in regards to these issues. She needs to understand that you are there for her, will be by her side in whatever she needs to get better, but that you miss her affection both sexually AND non sexually.

Your initial comments about the morning sex...basically shouldnt she just feel bad enough to give you a quickie... .then explaining that the last several times you've had sex she has had pain and bleeding....well quite frankly it makes it sound as if you lack compassion for her. I hope that's not the case.

[LonelyWife]

I am totally empathizing with the OP here. In our house, I am the one feeling neglected. My husband and I dated for several years and during that time 5 or 6 times a week was normal. But after we got married things changed quickly. Now I'm lucky if it's once a month, and it's really not enjoyable for me at all. This situation leaves me feeling alone and frustrated a lot of the time.
But I will also say that our 3 years of marriage have been very rocky and we have more issues than just lack of sex going on. It sounds like your wife has medical issues that make sex very unpleasant. Make sure you are as kind about this as a person can be. Bad feelings between the two of you will only make her less likely to want to have sex.
Good luck OP. I feel your pain.

[Texasred]

Yes I have, but 2 things I have thought about really hard.

1st, she is the tightest thing I think I have ever been around. When we use to use a toy together, she would not loosen up at all. She has cried the last 2-3 times we have had sex and bleed afterwards...

I'm thinking you might have your reason for no sex here.

On your original topic: as a man, I can say that waking up hard is certainly no reliable indicator that I'm horny.
The fact I'm breathing would be that indicator... LOL!

[caterpillar79]

OP,

Have you done anything for her to feel distant to you? (Or has she done anything she feels guilty of that she feels like she no longer deserves your love and affection?)

When you are wanting to make love, how do you let her know? How affectionate are you and how supportive are you to her when she needs you, especially the fact that she does have a medical issue that affects her emotional well-being immensely? When you are being affectionate, do you always want or would love to have it end into coitus? If that is the case, and penetrative sex sounds painful for her, she might take your affection as an invitation/expectation for sex. And if that's the case, won't she be avoiding you if she doesn't feel like it?

Has she given you her reasons? I can't seem to find it - did I miss reading it in your posts?

[stariana]

compassionate communication is key to getting past the sex issue, and beginning to understand what each other is feeling should be your goal. if each of you is loving and open with each other, the rest will happen naturally

[KMonte85]

Ouch, I really feel for you and your wife both, dl. It's a sad situation, as you want to feel that close intimacy with your wife, but at the same time, every time you do, she has to go through a pretty immense amount of pain in an extremely sensitive area of her body.

Just a plan old couples counselor probably won't have the expertise to help here. Yes, it is "normal" to have sex once a week, but if that sex results in pain, crying and bleeding, then there's more that needs to be done. I think it may do you well to speak to a sex therapist, or a doctor who specializes in sexual issues. I can see how she would be distant at the thought of having intercourse given the issue she has. From a woman's perspective, I don't foresee the problem getting better until she is physically able to enjoy intercourse, or at least is emotionally able and comfortable enough to enjoy non-pentrative sexual activity to satisfy you both.

[DreamP346]

Yes, see a sex therapist. If intercourse is painful, you can develop an aversion to all types of sex because your mind is connecting intimacy with pain. When you ask her for hand job, her brain is connecting it to bad memories of pain. Find a therapist who she feels comfortable with. You may need to shop around. If she is not open to it, then not even the best therapist can help her. Check the AASECT website for a licensed one near you. Also, don't rely on the usual doctors. They know nothing about sexual issues. You need to see a specialist that does sex health. There are only a few across the country.

Also therapist are wonderful, but they don't help overnight. It will take many sessions, maybe even months to see results. You don't want to give up.