[lizzardb63]

Men wake up with boners because in the AM is when their testosterone levels are at their highest, causing the wonderful morning wood, lol. Doesn't mean he "wants to go"

[lizzardb63]

I also feel (thinking from your wife's perspective if I've read correctly), she has hormone "issues" which could range anywhere from bad PMS, because of birth control, or maybe it's depression along with sex not being as comfortable as it used to be. Now if I were feeling unbalanced and just can't seem to get myself to want to have sex and my husband was all over me about it all the time, I would feel even more alone, because I'd feel all he wants is sex, but then I would also feel guilty because you can't blame him for wanting it, and then I would also feel scared that he would decide to cheat on me...so then occasionally you have sex and it starts all over again. That's just me if I were in her shoes though. Definately reassure her you'll be by her side no matter what. Maybe she just needs you more emotionally right now in order to be physical.

I know I'm never in the mood when I am stressed or tired, or feeling depressed or unattractive. Has she gained weight or has her appearance changed recently?

[dlanier248]

Thank you all for your responses.

IMO I have been very understanding of course that is easier said than explain. I do NOT push the issue because I know that only pushes her away. Last time we were able to talk about it she told me to just let it happen.
That was 4 1/2 months ago. I am NOT a demanding, self-center male. We live in a smaller town and I would guess there are no sex therapist in our area.

Here is an example of how things have gone... Her son got married in LasVegas, we went to the wonderful sin-city. She was so ****ed because we only saw them ONCE at the wedding that our trip she spent mad a the world and went NUTS when I actually tried to even give her a good kiss goodnite. So that is where I am... pay for everything, make sure her needs are met but the with everything I want, even the natural event of sex in a marriage. like I have said before, frustrated. I read here and a few more forums trying to understand. This seems like a good place to vent, so I understand that it seems my statements are shallow and have one thing in mind. I do take all these replys to heart and read them.

I do this at work because I can't at home. that is why my answers are short.

[Ashlee T.]

D - I think the way you started off this thread caused a general "lean" in the direction of shallowness because there was so much more to it than what you originally posted. However, I do not think you're shallow. She's not an angel painted into my mind at all, but I do believe your posts are a bit jumpy and it's hard to tell what the real issue is here. Often times the lack of sex is NOT the major issue. The major issue is what CAUSES the lack of sex. So the key is often, not focusing on the lack of sex, but focusing on what is causing it. So if the focus is on the wrong thing, this will never be fixed.

There are many women here (I wish they'd chime in *hint hint*) that have gone through periods of sexual dysfunction. Might have been because of hormonal reasons, might have been because of weight issues and feeling unattractive, might have been because their partner wasn't giving what they needed emotionally in the relationship. Some of these women and their husbands have found ways to bounce back from this, but no one will tell you that it's easy.

I have a friend who went through this for about 2 years. Young lady, in her late 20's, experiencing gut wrenching pain during intercourse all off a sudden. She quite obviously withdrew from sex. But her husband didn't. He'd hound her and hound her, make her feel guilty until the point she'd give in. Then she'd again, have horrible pain and in her mind, resented him terribly for it that he was willing to cause her such pain for his own pleasure. Sometimes it seems like when a woman has an internal issue, men disregard it because they cannot see it. If she had a huge cystic growth on the outside of her vagina, he'd be more sympathetic. But because it was on her inside, he couldn't see it, he believed (even though he wouldn't admit it) that she was making it up as an excuse not to sleep with him. The resentment compounded and they almost lost their marriage until one brilliant doctor sat him down and explained her issue in a way that he couldn't forget. He felt awful for the lack of compassion he had shown her. After a certain point, they were able to surgically help her. Once she was physically able to enjoy herself again, things got better but it took lots of work to build back what had been broken emotionally.

Is she employed? I noticed your statement of "I pay for everything".

Other than sex, what do you want out of this marriage that you're not getting?

[JustTired]

My husband and I went through something similar a few years ago and have made it through with a happy and healthy sex life. He had a lot of family issues come up at the time and began to really shut me out emotionally. We were living in a new town and I didn't know many people there, so him shutting me out made me feel really lonely and hurt. Now--he is a big guy, 6 and a half feet tall. And I am a very small girl, barely over 5 feet. Out anatomies are proportionate. So, unless I am really in the mood, sex can be uncomfortable and sometimes painful. At that point, I felt like the only thing he wanted from me was sex, which of course made me absolutely NOT in the mood. Therefore, any time we did have sex, it was not good for me at all. I never held out for more than 2 weeks, because I felt like I owed it to him but it made me really resent him. Ultimately, it took us both being unhappy with our sex life for a long time to start communicating about it in a productive way. But once we started really recognizing and respecting how the other person was feeling, things progressed pretty quickly.

I guess a big part of your problem is going to be figuring out your wife's medical issues that are making it painful and undesirable. Because it just isn't going to work if it hurts her to have sex. However, I think that even if she gets the medical part figured out, things won't get better until she feels emotionally comfortable with it again. Because in my experience, I felt really trapped every time my husband did anything (even just a long kiss) that could lead up to sex. I would panic because I would know that he wanted sex, but that I didn't--but I didn't want to have another argument about it. I knew that one of us was going to end up unhappy and it was so frustrating. I really and truly just wanted him to not touch me until we could get the emotional part of our relationship back on track. Once I felt like we were happier with each other, the sex came naturally. The thing is, I had to get to a place emotionally where I was willing to really try to have sex and enjoy it (because it had gotten to a point where I felt so stand off-ish about sex, that I wouldn't let myself enjoy it). And he had to learn to accept that and to not make me feel badly when I said no.

It sounds like your wife might be feeling unhappy with other parts of her life as well (you referenced her being mad at her son). What are the reasons that she gives you for not wanting to do the counseling or work towards making it better? I understand what she means when she says "just let it happen"--I said similar things. But the problem was, I didn't want to let it happen because I was unhappy with our relationship at the time. I don't know what kind of person she is, or what kind of relationship you have... but if you really love her and you are willing to stick around for the long haul until this gets resolved, then you are going to have to start with fixing the emotional part of your relationship first. I know it has to be incredibly frustrating for you sexually, but is there anything you can do to make it easier on yourself until things get better? Would she be upset at you for using porn to satisfy yourself until things improve?

The bottom line is, you have to work together to be happy again. Ask her about her life in general...is she feeling depressed overall? Find out exactly what she is unhappy about--everything that she is unhappy about. Are there things you can do to help her get over these things? Basically, show her that you care about her happiness. She might be too frustrated at first to really discuss things honestly with you. For example, she may say that she is unhappy with her life because she is sick of feeling pressured into sex; rather than saying that she feels like all of the people she loves don't care about her anymore. Sometimes its hard to admit the things we are most insecure about.

Obviously, I can't guess what her feelings are--the point is, she may not even realize what is really bothering her. She may need to talk it out. And that could take a long time to work through. So I guess before you do anything else, decide whether or not you are willing to wait it out or if you think you'd rather go in another direction with your life.

I have seen other people on these forums say that they had their loved one read what they wrote on here and see the responses. That is has helped them communicate about the problem. Do you think showing your wife this would help? Only you can be the judge of that, but maybe if she sees that other women have experienced this, she won't feel so isolated and she will be more willing to work on it.

I hope it all works out for you. Sex is tied up with so many emotions, that it really takes a toll on the relationship if things are not going smoothly. Good luck--I hope this helps.